Friday, February 16, 2007
YOUR WEEKLY SLAP IN THE FACE FROM THE STARS!!
its time for a
All Super powered Astrological Extravaganza!!
Aries- After one too many x-rays from the janky back alley dentist you insist on going to your body will start to go through some amazing changes. The little bunny tail that doctors removed when you were a baby regrows fluffier and hoppier than ever and those horns your parents tried to saw off grow powerful and majestic. Combine that with your super ego and your almost a super hero. It will kind of kill your sex live though, unless you want to sleep with those freaks that find your bunny tail hot.
Taurus- In a freak cooking accident you will be infused with the power of 1000 garlic cloves which gives you the power of pretty much clearing out any room that you walk into.
Gemini- You start to think somethings a little off when you begin waking up wearing what looks like Dolly Partons Wardrobe and Wigs. The fact that your sharing your bed with groups of strange men is kind of suspicious as well. But you can't ignore the hundreds of Cher, Gloria Gaynor and Helen Reddy songs that are downloaded on your computer. It can only mean one thing. You have developed another personality which is obviously a drag queen with awful taste. You can tell by the quality of men lying next to you every morning. You soon find out its not an ordinary drag queen, but one with superpowers, including super no smear lip gloss and amazing powers to make others feel bad about themselves.
Cancer- Your world gets turned upside down when you fall in love with a striking and ultra colorful woman named Holly Wood. When Ms. Wood turns out to be a man in drag it sends you over the deep end which leads to your new identity as a super villain Mr. Anti-Drag with your own invention..the penis detector.
Leo-A run in with a a radioactive Lion leaves you with a super human roar, a huge mane of super conditioned hair and one less arm than you started with. You form the Super Villain Elks Club of Doom and start recruiting other villains just as lame as you are.
Virgo- You finally put your super sex drive and knack for picking up the more minor STD's to good use when Lion Person (you may be super villain but your gender neutral for the sake of PC)recruits you to join his villain Club. With your army of crabs, scabies and for some reason ducks will take over the world. Or at least a few sex clubs.Watch out world..here comes Super Tramp!!
Libra-During a routine drug deal you accidentally smoke some radio-active (radio-active again? really?) pot giving you the ability to be Super Stoned for long periods of time, leaving you in a pretty good mood, but a major suck ass at either fighting or causing much crime.
Scorpio- During a school field trip you are bitten by a radioactive scorpion (For real, no more radioactivity, dude. Can't someone just get struck by lighting?)Not only does this make you meaner and more vengeful than before but you also have posion seeping out of your tail. Oh...that was there before?
Sagitarius-During a routine visit to the Donkey Bar in Tiajauna which I can't go into detail about without getting flagged and removed from myspace, you morph into a half human, half donkey hybrid with the sexual magnetism of a donkey and the human desire to plant your fat ass on the couch and watch TV.
Capricorn-When you stop following your moms advice about not eating before swimming, going out in the cold with wet hair, and sitting too close to the TV you will get a triple wammy of mutant qualities. Mostly super Swimmers ear, a powerful case of pneumonia and Fabulously poor vision.
Aquarius=Great Scott Aquarius, are you turning into Aquaman! Do you have super swimming powers? check! um....he could....well..he knew how to...um...what else could aquaman do? oh...can you talk to fish? really? your serious? I'm sorry. I mean...wow, yah, thats awesome. your turning into aquaman. I'm sure the doctors can do something about that. stop crying Aquarius. Please stop crying.
Pisces-It says here...thats can't be true. It is? This is just plain nuts. Apparently , Pisces, in a jealous fit over Aquarius getting the superpoweres ou feel were rightfully yours you try some wierd experiment at the aquarium to try and get your own super fish powers and become a fishy kinda super villain but you just get eaten by a really big Carp.