Thursday, February 22, 2007

How to have an open relationship

How to have an open relationship
Current mood: cold

Channel 214 presents a public service continuing educational seminar to broaden your mind. Free Image Hosting at

Free Image Hosting at

How to guarantee a successful open relationship

or Sex is fun with anyone you aren't contractually obligated to do it with

Hello and Good morning to all you couples out there interested in the wonderful world of non monogamous committed relationships. I am Dr.Jezebel and I will be your tour guide through the rocky terrain of unconventional relationships. To ease your obvious first reaction I can assure you not to take any stock in my name. It's no more than a mere title. I am no more a Jezebel than I am a real doctor. This is to say that I never went to medical school or any college specializing in medicine or relationships, but I have been around the block a lot of times. I mean a lot! So if you say that makes me a Jezebels I say welcome to the 20th century. We use words like slut and whore now thank you. Now that that's cleared up I would like to present you with some time tested rules for keeping your sex life where it belongs, outside of the relationship.

Some ignorant people see open relationships as merely an excuse to spend all of your sexual energy on strangers and doing everything in your power to avoid having sex with the latest person you have chosen to spend your life with, but that's only part of it. It's also about having sex with as many partners that you possibly can while not saving any of your attention for your one and only. The only way to combat small mindedness such as that is by spreading your message to as many attractive or semi attractive people as you can, preferably through sex.

The first rule to an open relationship that I strongly recommend above all others is ...and I can't stress just how important this is….don't let your partner know that your relationship is open to begin with. It usually keeps your partners uncontrollable jealousy at bay if you simply don't tell them that it's OK for the two of you to sleep with everybody else. What they don't know can't keep you up with a throbbing headache after hours of "talking about it". I also find that when the other person is unaware that it's ok for them to cheat they usually do it less and if you're prone to blind rage like I am, this is a good thing.

Now if you must let them in on your special arrangement be aware that your partner will probably take advantage of it. If it bothers you to let the love of your life date other people and stay out for 4 or 5 weekends a month then you only have one choice as I see it. You need to date hotter people and take off for a week or two at a time, preferably around Valentine's Day and your anniversary. It is no good for anybody involved if you aren't out having sleazy hardcore sex every chance you get. What would your partner think if instead of thoughtful note letting them know you are getting screwed by the night crew at McDonald's they find you making them dinner. Or worse, interested in having sex together! As in, with each other!

Some couples have rules they set for what you can and can't do with your other sexual partners. For example, the rule about not kissing anybody else is quite common. I encourage this and other rules like it. If there are no rules at all to break then what do you do when you want to be sleazy? Without a list of things you can't do, you'll soon discover there's not much you even want to do anymore. If you have rules it also addresses the question of what to do when you feel like retaliating at your partner and making them hurt like they hurt you. You have a no kissing rule? Make sure they see you kissing some hottie more passionately than the two of you have ever thought about kissing. If you have a rule about only playing with others on holidays convert to a religion that endorses frequent celebrations. I myself am a Catholic Jew with strong Muslim beliefs. If there is a safe sex only rule, nothing says "Eat me Bi@#h!" like having somebody else's baby or a raging case of scabies.

The question of drug use invariably comes up in regards to sex outside the relationship. It just never ceases to amaze me that some of you people can actually have sex without drugs! Personally I have never tried it, but to each his own. It is vital that you shy away from the bad drugs however. Bad drugs are the ones that don't contribute to your love life in a positive way and in fact may harm the central relationship. Good drugs are those that have some beneficial use either for enhancing sex with others or for keeping the nausea at bay when having to do your business with your partner. Good drugs in the first category include, but are not limited to cocaine, alcohol, marijuana, meth, heroin, angel dust, ecstasy, GHB, special K, poppers, gasoline fumes, caffeine, mushrooms, LSD, some more PCP, Ritalin and aspirin. Good drugs in the second category also include Pepto Bysmo and Mylanta. The Bad drugs remain in a class that I have yet to discover but you can rest assured that I am working vigilantly on figuring out.

The naysayer will tell you that one of the major drawbacks to this kind of relationship is the risk of spreading disease. Whenever I am confronted with that kind of backwards logic I ask them how it is even possible for me and my life partner to give each other a disease if we never have sex with each other? That kills their argument right away and they start to really grasp the concept of a loving open relationship with someone you plan on spending the rest of your life with ….unless somebody better comes along ….which you give them every chance to being as you spend every free minute trying out new sex partners. You do the math.

I'm sure there are many more points I can make describing the misunderstood beauty of an open relationship but I need to get home before my beloved so I can call dibs on the sex room or else yours truly will walk in on some hot, ego shattering sex instead of the other way around. This is Dr. Jezebel saying until next time give your relationships all the respect they deserve. And if you have any further questions I will be available for demonstrations at the nasty shop on MLK all day Sunday.

Currently reading :
Wigfield: The Can-Do Town That Just May Not

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