It's another Friday the 13th!! Last Friday the 13th I was facing one of my big fears..heights...and went skydiving with my brother and sister for her 20th birthday. This time around I wanted to be out camping in the woods with a bunch of teenagers who were smoking dope and having sex waiting for the blood to start running. But alas, I'm sitting in front of a computer. Not the ideal place for a slasher fest but theres always the next time around.
Which brings me to my topic, which is what a weird little freak I was as a kid. I grew up on 80's slasher flicks. Jason and Freddy pretty much raised me. Scary, I know. I saw Halloween 2 over at my Grandma's house when i was about 6 and I was hooked. It scared the shit out of me, they all did, but the little adrenaline junkie in me kind of liked that.
If it wasn't for cable and a lack of one of those damn V chips I might never have experienced all of Jason's many reigns of terror. Friday the 13th parts 1-4 were mainstays during the early years when cable first came to McMinnville. I remember having about 5 neighbor friends over to my Grandparents to watch Friday the 13th part 4, The Final Chapter(yeah right.) My friend Graham lied and said we would be watching The Jungle Book. His ass got in trouble for that one
When we weren't playing Star Wars, Kid Pound (it was like a dog pound, but one person ran around catching kids and throwing them in the playhouse), trying to contact Abraham Lincoln or Amy's dead hamster via séance , or playing naked games like Dr. Ruth and Playboy, we spent hours of playtime acting out sequels to Friday the 13th. The only loophole that always ended up happening during that game was the damn garden. My step dad had a huge garden in back yard which was defenity a big no trespassing area. You did not want to piss him off by running through the garden. Friday the 13th always ended in a stalemate there. Let me back up a little. The game usually started when we would all pile into a car in the driveway and pretended to be morally corrupt teenagers stupid enough to be driving to Camp Crystal Lake. Then out of nowhere the kid who got picked to be Jason would attack the car and everyone would pile out and run. If Jason could catch you he would pretend to stab you to death, or stick a pitchfork in you, or maybe just squeeze your head until your eyes popped out of their sockets. Gosh, we were precocious little angles. Eventually the game would end up at the garden, even though the rules were you couldn't do that. Jason would be on one end and everytime he ran for you the safest thing for the surviving kids to do would be just to circle around the garden. Either Jason would end up getting mad and quitting the game, or he would break all rules and just run through the damn garden, not caring if I ended up getting grounded or not. Fucking Jason.
I had a few weird Jason dreams about that time too...I would have been about 9 for most of the events in this story. In the dream I was going camping with a bunch of easy target teens. Do you remember that stupid sitcom in the early 80's with Ted Knight and Jim J. Bullock called...I think it was Too Close For Comfort? Anyway...the girls that played the daughters were camping with us. In the dream we kept trying to camp on the top of this big hill with a cherry tree on top. Well Jason kept showing up and ripping peoples arms off and throwing them down the hill. I ended up hiding under the seat of the car (in dreams its not such an impossiblle fit) while I listened to the stupid girls who wouldn't hide with me die. Stupid girls. Thats when a creepy/sweet change occurred. Suddenly Jason was my friend. I understood his pain in a way nobody else was willing to do. When the cops showed up I led Jason by the hand up the winding hill desperatly trying to get somewhere safe. The cops were hot on our trail and I urged Jason to go faster. It was all in vain. The cops shot a bunch of holes in my friend and he fell off the cliff. I sat at the edge looking down at his falling body and cried. The dream ended with Jason's encouraging words echoing back to me..."Don't worry. I always come back." Geez, imagine what a therapist could do with that whacked out shit?
Exhibit C to my creepiness would be a camping ritual of mine. We went camping a lot, and I was more than a little concerned about my safety out there in Jason Country. While everyone was setting up camp I would walk out in the woods a ways and talk loud enough for Jason to hear me if he was listening. I pretty much explained to him that I was truly his friend and I understood what he did. I didn't judge Jason. Instead I extended an offer of friendship in hopes that the crazy bastard would spare me on the off chance that any brutal slayings began.
One last note. In third grade, I guess I was 8, we used to have to write stories with our spelling words. It was kind of my thing to write little slasher movie stories with the words using kids in class as characters. One sentence I clearly remember writing was for the word doughnuts. In it I wrote how "Jason slashed Julie in the stomach and doughnuts came falling out". You know if a kid was writing that shit nowadays it would result in suspension, therapy and probably make the channel 2 news. Those were different times, my friend, different times. Much more innocent,lol. Really though, as obsessed as I was with horror movies and writing Friday the 13th scripts and imagining all that evil..I really was a good kid. I could never actually hurt anybody and I never wanted to. That same year, third grade) I was embarrassed twice in class for crying. Once was during "Where the Red Fern Grows" and once when we were reading another story about a dog dying. For someone who once said Jason was my hero (I don't know what that meant) I really did have a strong sense of empathy. It just kind of shows that you don't need to get freaked out by how freaky kids can be. It might not mean anything.
Have fun out there tonight kids. If your out there in the woods tonight I'll pray for you. If you plan on smoking dope and having sex while you out there....I can write a kick ass eulogy. Happy Friday the 13th!!
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Dear Diary..on America's birthday I became a Man
I
think I may have joined the ranks of semi responsible adult on the 4th,
at least on the family scorecard. The reason for such a drastic image
change is due to the Holiday miracle that was my Independence Day
Bar-B-Q. Yes faithful reader, I was trusted to host a family event and
not only did it not end with me blacked out in jail for arson or with
me going to another party having forgotten about my own but it was a
success!
I should probably give credit to my partner in crime, Cain, without
whom it would have not been nearly as awesome. We threw the party
together the night before, having originally planned to just go to the
blues festival. It was all last minute, but thats the way I roll. heh.
This was also the first time any of my family or friends from back
home had been to our house, and if it went differently it might have
been the last.
You may not get what a big deal it is, but even thought I'm the
oldest cousin, the idea of letting me be responsible for the entire
holiday is usually not very realistic. My cousin Christina is the
obvious choice and the face that she is an incredible cook doesn't
hurt. But she welcomed the chance to not have to spend all her money
and clean the house before and after the guests arrived.
Cain gets an A+ in party throwing. We had candy necklaces and glow
bracelets for my nieces (best friends girls...but close enough), red,
white and blue little mini fans, and so many flags I worried the
neighbors might think I was a Republican. I even bought a slip and
slide like water thing...a water hop scotch sprinkler to be exact. So
what if I broke it almost immediately. So I'm a little over the
recommended age range.
The real test would be the potato salad. My cousin makes what could
modestly be called a fan favorite. I think the promise of Christina's
potato salad was the extra incentive that lured Sarah over here instead
of on board a yacht watching fireworks on the river. I don't presume to
claim it was as good as hers, but it was close. And Christina was
impressed that I made her a special batch without pickles, something
nobody had done before.
That potato salad was actually the source of at least 4 fights Cain
and I had over the course of two days. The salad represented a lot more
than just a summer side dish in my mind and any suggestions or anything
short of applause didn't really go over to well with me. Yeah..I was a
sensitive bitch. But I admit my lunacy most of the time.
I also got kinda buzzed, much more than I have in a long time.
Surprisingly it was the closest to drunk Cain has ever seen me, which
is shocking considering just a couple years ago I was drunk every
night. And was quickly reminded why I drink less the next day when it
was brought to my attention that apparently I can be kind of a dick.
I had no idea he was mad, but looking back it makes some kind of
sense. I was sharing stories and details about some personal things
with my friends that embarrassed him. But they got big laughs! I'm a
sucker for a good audience and its hard to stop when I'm on a roll.
Just anther aspect to my personality thats kind of whorish.
I found out he was upset the next night, and by that time he had
promoted the incident to the post of officially a big deal. This is how
we differ. When I'm mad or upset you hear about it almost immediately.
Or you get the deafening silent treatment. Either way I react in the
moment. Cain lets it stew, while he decides what he thinks and how he
feels about the particular offense. And while he decides he wants to be
alone. As in he wants me to give him some space. As in he is ok with
going to bed mad, while i work up a good amount of anxiety in my room.
I hate going to bed mad as much as I hate it when he goes all silent
and cold.
Instead of going into anxiety attack mode I did what always makes
me feel more in control.....I went into some serious craft time. I
made a card that acknowledged that I was a dick and had taken him for
granted. Inside the card I put my secret weapons. Homemade coupons.
valuable ones.
1. I Owe You one blow job to be redeemed anytime and place of your choice.
2. I Owe You one Top to Bottom Room cleaning. Room of your choice.
3.
a Give Me a Break card. Anytime I am bitching, whining, freaking out or
obsessing on something or just being annoying he can hand me the card
and I will promise to stop and at least fake a pleasant mood.
4. 1 Get Out Of Jail Free Card. This
is a big one. He can bail himself out of any big trouble he's gotten
into with me with this card. He could have used it when he was off
slumming around on my birthday while I sat at home plotting his
downfall.
I also wrote a card that promised that the subjects that I was blabbing
about to my friends that are sensitive to him would no longer be topics
I would discuss with others.
The cards worked. He was happy and I got out of having to actually
discuss the way I acted that caused the trouble in the first place.
Gee...sorry about how long and boring this blog was. This will just be
one of those rare times I use the blog like a journal. Next time I'll
warn you with some Dear Diary heads up in the subject. Now I owe you
some of those damn cards...fine. I Owe You one Blow job.....
your weekly slap on the ass from the stars
Watch out for roving gangs of horny rabid midgets prowling the streets this weekend committing unspeakable sex acts on every big person that crosses their path. So if you've never been sexually assaulted by a dozen perved out little people, now is your chance to cross that off your list. I know I will.
Why do you always lie all the time? Nobody believes any of those far out stories about cool things you've done or neat skills you have. You sure got that lying lier skill down pat. That's pretty neat. lier.
- Everybody's always saying how good you are in bed. "Scorpio is just so good in bed" they say. "Scorpio is a insatiable twisted perv" they say. "Scorpio is so talented with his tongue" they all say. Whatever. You weren't that good. And to be honest...my Grandmother could probably out perv you if last night was any judge. Prude.
You should never have messed around with that Necronomocon Sag. It's just common sense not to go around playing with the book of the dead. Now we have this whole zombie infestation to worry about, not to mention all the flying demon things. Sheesh. Thanks a lot you big ruiner.
Do I even know any Capricorns? Does even one single goat person read my blog? I could whip up some awesome, imaginative horoscope that nobody's ever gonna read or I could save any flares of genius I could waste on you and give it to Aquarius. I think I'll do that.
Don't leave the house this week. Don't answer the phone. Don't read and mail and for the love of Pete don't watch TV. Hmmm...what else? Don't eat any shellfish or eat any farm raised catfish. Don't put your penis in a hollowed out cucumber that was just in the microwave until you are sure its not too hot. Only put it in there for like 4 seconds or you'll get burned. And don't have sex with any Aries or you'll get crabs. Just sit there. And Wait. I'll let you know when it's safe again.
This is going to sound like really far out advice Pisces, but I swear I'm not crazy. This totally doesn't make any sense and it goes against everything you know...but I'm just gonna say it. It might not be a good idea to trust a crackhead this week. I know..they are usually right on the money...oh and speaking of money. Don't loan them any money this week either. In fact it might be a good idea if you hide your money. And if you decide to have sex with one be prepared to get crabs. Even if they aren't an Aries. The crabs are coming down hard on the crack heads and the Aries right now. And possibly the Aquarius too if they do anything besides just sit there. Oh...and Scorpio and Libra look like they have one creepy crawly or another too.Did you just itch your down yonder area? Oh God..between the zombies and the horned out midgets and the crabs this is like...the best week ever! Well..if your into that sort of thing.
quid pro quo 2. Sluts, Whores, sexual definitions and porn!
1. What do you define as sex? In other words..when I am asked how many sexual partners I've had in my life I honestly have no clue. Guess a big number. Now times it by 3 and we might be close. But realize that I'm not talking about people I've fucked or been fucked by. I don't have penetrative sex every time I mess around with somebody. If we are only counting people I've fucked the number is significantly lower. It's probably still in Whore Country, but lower. Most straight friends and lots of the gay ones I've talked to only count fucking as sex. Anything else is irrelevant. But If I'm getting naked with someone and fooling around and getting off..it counts as something. I think it's all kind of arbitrary. You got sexual with someone. Not counting acts such as oral sex only really means anything if your trying to protect your reputation or your (gasp!) virginity! It just seems really middle school to me, so I don't distinguish between the type of sex act. It's all basically sex to me. But...other people think different due to their personal experiences. What do you think?
2. FYI- when I use words like whore and slut I don't mean them derogatory. I mean them in the most sex positive way. Unless the context is you not respecting me in terms of my boyfriend. Then I mean slut as in you dirty skank ho. I know it can be confusing..so I will try to use skank or ho when I'm using it negatively. And then it has nothing to do with how much sex you have with how many partners. It's more of a character thing. Or a angry thing on my part. So next question...what do the words slut or whore mean to you (other than a slut gives it away when a whore gets something else out of the deal). When is a large number of partners too many or too gross or too slutty whorish?
3.I read a study on the differences between gay and straight porn, and it was fascinating. I could probably just blog about that sometime. One difference is the amount of kissing actually. Apparently, and I don't have much first hand experience with straight porn, there isn't much kissing in them. There's not kissing in every gay porn...but its usually there. Is there no kissing in other porn? I've heard another difference is the attractiveness of the guys. I have conflicting accounts on this though. I've been told that the men in gay porn are a lot hotter, with better bodies because straight men don't want to see hot guys. It also makes it more of an everyman kinda role being played on the screen. But I've had lots of gay men tell me the opposite. I hear the guys in bi porn are the hottest with the biggest dicks. I'm no virgin to porn at all...but it's usually only gay porn. I know guys that have bi porn on the off chance they get a straight or bi guy over, but I always feel kinda wigged out watching it. Like I'm violating the girl and myself by watching her. I can see the nastiest degrading sex with two or more guys and don't feel that way however. But I respect women...heh.Plus vagina kinda turns me off. If your straight can you watch gay porn? Bi? My friend Melissa used to be memorized by the gay porn playing at Silverado on the TV's when we went for a drink. I always found that interesting. 'But I don't imagine that two guys fucking is usually the same for women as lesbian porn is for most men. Excuse me...thats Man made lesbian porn. Lesbian made lesbian porn in a whole different ballgame. (it's a ball free game actually).
The study also stated that porn is a lot more taboo in the hetero world than in the gay society. I know for me and most gay men I watch porn with that its a lot weirder if you don't have any than if you have a library of it. What do you think?
I guess I have a lot of topics here. Tell me your thoughts on porn in relation to this if you would. So if you want to join in ..please....we're talking about sluts and whores and is what do you define as sex and are you watching porn while doing it? lol
A quid pro quo
2:16 PM - A quid pro quo
Current mood: 
contemplative
The idea that I represent the "gay community" for some people has always been kind of weird. On one hand, it appeals to the Gemini in me that in certain circles I am considered exotic, scandalous, risqué and a curiosity. I even sometimes wear the badge of slut/deviant/ perv with pride. Thinking of myself as some dangerous x rated soap opera villain is a lot more appealing to me than the virginal Sandra Dee that the audience is supposed to root for.
I've never really hung out with gay men in friendship type situations. For the most part I have a lot of close straight female friends (my best friend is a lesbian) and for many of them I was the only gay person they knew. I remember when I worked weekend doubles at a nursing home in McMinnville some of the girls (well, women. mostly my mom's age) would be fascinated with my exploits during the week. I was in a totally different world and had much more interesting and naughty stories to tell during our long weekends together. I enjoyed shocking them with such a tame story as going on stage and losing my pants and underwear for beads during Portland's Mardi Gras week and seeing how truly crazy they thought I was. But it feels creepy thinking about how that story might be retold later as a case study in the life of the typical homosexual. ("They like to get naked in public with all the other gays. My gay friend Brandon does")
I remember a couple years ago being kind of overly upset because a hot ex Mormon boy I had a weekend of excess with had moved onto someone I had introduced him too. (I have a fetish for ex Mormon boys. The few I have had the pleasure to know still had all the politeness and wholesome appearance but were the wildest beasts when you got them naked) I was telling my co-worker Vicky about it and she just couldn't keep up with the important details of the story. She would get stuck on aspects that I found to be minor details and I was losing patience explaining them.
"You had sex the first night you met?" She gasped. ..
anyway.,....
"He had sex with you and then with another guy the same day!!" she exclaimed, her eyes bulging.
Forget it!
Sometimes it feels like people in different subcultures are foreigners with ways different than my own. I would rather they be the curious picture snapping tourists than self righteous moralizer, but it can be tedious.
Usually though, it doesn't upset me.It's more funny than anything. I wrote a blog a couple months ago that got the attention of someone that has become my favorite myspace blogger and she pimped it out to her huge circle of friends.(shout out to all that). It was one of those 7 deadly turnoff's blogs and thankfully it caught her attention which led to a quite a few others making connections with me. I bring it up because I found it amusing that I got the comment frequently that it was nice to read about another perspective and that it was enlightening to get the gay perspective on these things. The funny part is how disturbing the idea that I be a representative would probably be for any number of people in the gay community. I don't bring this up to call out anyone who said that or that feels like that. It's just a disclaimer that I may be a representative for some people, but I'm not the GLBT community's official representative. At least not yet
It's just a curiosity I am musing on today. It has actually brought up a lot of ideas I want to blog about, and I'm finding it hard to reign them all into one cohesive blog, so I think I'm going to break it up into a few topics. And since I'm on a blogging roll look for them real soon. I just want to explore the ideas of subgroups, the differences between us, and what we can learn from each other . A quid pro quo if you will. Oh yeah...I have a few things I want to find out too. Don't think you just get to be a voyeur in all this. I like to watch too. Remember , I'm a deviant perv. And proud of it.
NO. It Can't Be. Am I Becoming My Mother?
Just as I was about to bitch about how I'm becoming my Mother...I realized I don't hate it. As long as it just pertains to the gardening and talking over the fence to the awesome neighbors. As long as I don't start getting lost in political conversations and start reading a few romance novels a day It's all good. But come to think of it, maybe all those soft core porn novels she always have her nose in have something to do with those embarrassingly loud orgasm like noises that I always dreaded coming from her room when someone stayed the night. I think I'm off to water my plants and start the new Nora Robers book. ....nah!
Best Cover Songs Ever!!
So what makes a good cover song? A lot of these songs i think are not only on par with the original version, but many of them are better. Also, a good cover is going to do something different than just a exact version of the original. As pain pill popping Paula Abdul would say on that show that she does sometimes..."They made it their own." So without any further ado...
AWESOME COVER SONGS. PARTY TIME. EXCELLENT!!
1. If you liked the Carpenters version of Superstar...which is basically about some crazy girl stalking a rock star who fucked her on the way through to the next gig and she actually thinks he's coming back for her you need to check out Sonic Youth's cover.And if you hate the Carpenters you'll really like this one because he really does make it his song. It qualifies as haunting...and it's a nice tribute to the number one most played at the dentist and for the Musac in the elevator...Miss. Karen Carpentor.
2. Jolene. Dolly Parton begged Jolene to please not take her man..even though that pretty bitch can. And Jack White of the White Stripes ends up doing the same. Most impressively to me is the fact that he doesn't change the words to the song and make Jolene a Joe for fear that he might sound too gay. He has other things to worry about. Like that home wrecking hussy Jolene taking his man away. I saw the stripes preform this before I even knew who they were and it made an impression.
3. Hurt. This song was a tearjerker when Trent Reznor sang it. When Johnny Cash steps up to the microphone bringing his own hurt out there for us to feel it's heartbreaking. June Carter Cash,the love of his life was gone and he would be right behind her, to follow her into the dark like a good husband should.
4 Hit me Baby One More Time. Yeah, its was Brittney's song, but not after Travis Hill take a stab at it. I've noticed a trend in the covers I like Wanna hear it ? here it goes....The best one seem to strip the song down to the basics instead of going bigger, louder and uncut.
5. Hey Ya. I kept seeing stuff about this version, starring someone named Waddle from a band called Obadiah. I finally watched it and my life has never been the same. Well..I just saw it earlier today...and i guess my life hasn't changed that much, but yours might. Everybody else has by now and its a real nice surprise. Like getting woken up to oral sex. Your just in a better mood for it.6. Working Class Hero. It's the one that inspired me to waste my time on this list in the fast place.Its a great political song and Greenday seem to be right out there being one of our more political musicians.
Ok...I hardly got any sleep and I'm all of a sudden falling there. So the list will be ...nodding off. end of transmission. I will make a part two. What did you think about these so far?
Anita Bryant vs. Bannanna Cream Pie
Still Free to Be You and Me
I love the opening credits to this. Now I'll be singing it all day.
Did you check out little Micheal Jackson, back when it was a good idea to let him teach you a lesson. This last one is a really good little sociological lesson on the social construction of gender.
32 pearls of wisdom for each ring around my trunk
In honer of reaching the ripe old age of 32 I decided to jot down something I have learned or that I just believe to be true for each year. Here goes.
1.Boring people are always bored.
2.It's ok to travel alone. Really it is. When I went to Amsterdam nobody I knew could drop everything and go with me so I went by myself. It was a little scary, but I had a great time and felt stronger for doing it.
3.Other people's acid and or schoom trip stories can be so boring to listen to. It usually sounds like a bunch of exaggerated crap being entered into a psychedelic pissing contest. Except mine. Mine are good.
4.Never fall asleep watching porn somewhere where you shouldn't be watching porn. see my ABC's of Jankey sex series d and g
5.If you don't give awesome customer service you shouldn't work in customer service.
6.If you find yourself desperately trying to hold onto a relationship to make it work you probably need to let go because its not working or it's one sided. Don't be the crazy half of a fatal attraction.
7.Get rid of the toxic, needy, overly critical people in your life. If they don't make you feel good and never give back it's too much work.
8.The side effects of working in customer service can include a growing dislike for people, a refusal to smile or be polite outside of work and automatically thanking someone or apologizing for something inappropriately.
9.If you have a friend with whom you are constantly laughing with whenever you get together, you need to hang out with this person more often. Friends that may cause hysterical laughter are very good friends to have.
10.Question your beliefs. If you have the same religious and political beliefs as your parents you should wonder to yourself if you really believe them or if your doing what you were taught.
11.You can laugh about almost anything.
12.A compliment is a compliment. Don't be a rude bitch about it just because the person who offered you a drink was old or the guy who said you looked nice is "below your standards." Someday the old guys aren't gonna want to buy you drinks anymore and the person you are trying to flirt with is going to laugh in your face. Say thank you.
13.Don't lie about basic facts about yourself online. Don't make yourself 50 lbs smaller or 20 years younger. If there's something about you that stands out then let the other person know. People lie about everything from their looks to their race and it's so dumb. It's better to have a small rejection online than a much more uncomfortable one on somebody's doorstep.
14.You can learn a lot about someone by checking out their bookshelves, movie and music collection.
15. In most cases, use a god damned condom. This is especially something for the girl (in straight sex) or the bottom (in gay sex) to insist on. The person who gets fucked....gets Fucked!
16.Reading makes your smarter.
17.Don't drunk dial.
18.When you rent a movie, as the store employee's advice. If a movie is universally hated they hear about it first. Likewise for really good movies they usually can give a heads up. If you like their advice ask again. If not...ask someone else.
19.Don't wear sweatpants out of the house. Thats what you wear on laundry day or when your depressed.
20.When you are being treated completely unfairly or when you do something totally funny and nobody is there to witness it, just imagine your own private audience. Think of yourself as a Ferris Bueller type. At least the audience knows you were right. It's good to know you had the audience rolling with laughter.
21.negative whiny dramatic people = yuck.
22.the Dollar Tree is fucking awesome. You can get so many cool things there. It is a crafty persons dream. I wish I had it when I was 18 and moving into my first apartment or when I was a kid my Mom could never claim she was too broke to get me something.
23.Know your audience. If your talking to a college educated person go ahead and talk about a dichotomy or the validety of theoretical vs. empirical evidence. If on the other hand the person you are having the discussion with probably doesn't know those words then don't use them. I'm not saying talk down to people, but if you use 10 dollar words when a 25 cent word works even better it makes you look like a pretentious ass. Also if your losing someones attention it's time to wrap it up. It's always a winning idea to know your audience.
24.Wash your hands after going to the bathroom and before handling food. You don't want your dinner guests wigging out over hygiene issues.
25.Relax. Don't be someone that gets offended so easily. It bugs me when someone is easily offended, especially if it is in my name. A few years ago the gay rights watchdog group GLAD got all bent out of shape because the lesbian character of Bianca on All My Children was raped. Why do that to the lesbian character they cried. For crying out loud, I thought, relax. At least they have a lesbian character. And that rape story put her on the front burner for most of the next year. Was she supposed to be the boring best friend who just listens to the other characters that have real stories? Relax. Everybody
.
26. Treat your customer service person with respect and they might be able to help you out with something. If you get angry and blow up in outrage I guarantee they will neither go above or beyond for you.
27.Don't attempt to drive cross country with a dog, a cat , a snake, a fish, your former lover and his bitchy teen wife from Texas to Oregon during hurricane season. It doesn't end well.
28.LISTEN!! Don't just wait your turn to talk. Its obvious and annoying. Especially if your swapping acid trip stories.
29.Learn some street smarts. Pick up on the clues when someone is trying to pull one over on you. Listen for tell tale signs of liars and thieves. Don't get pushed into something you don't feel right about.If your too naive and trusting you make an easy mark.
30.If it is obvious that your feelings for someone are one sided don't embarrass them or yourself with proclamations of love or a public serenade. Its just sad.
31.Plan your own funeral and related business. It makes things easier for your loved ones and guarantees you will go out on your own note and not someone else's. I know I'm the only one I trust to pick the songs for my big goodbye.
32.Don't talk shit about other peoples family members, partners, favorite shows, cooking, etc. They tend to take those things personally.
Total honesty. Relationship builder or killer?
Thats the question posed to Amy,a sweet girl next door by her practically perfect fiancée in "Sleeping Dogs Lie", an anything but typical movie I recently rented.
The subject matter of this movie (which was directed by BobCat Goldthwait of Police Academy notoriety) scares most people away from renting it, which is a mistake. As perverse and shocking as the premise is, this is really a touching, funny worthwhile movie. Your wondering what Amy did, aren't you. Well..once in college she blew her dog. She gave it oral sex. (gasp!) But they obviously don't show it and she never does it again. The point of the movie is whether she should tell the man she loves in the spirit of total honesty or if she should keep that one in the vault. All Hell breaks loose during a visit to her family home when the sins of the past are revealed. By the end of the movie, the lesson is that there are some things better kept secret.I'm assuming most of us don't have a lusty one nighter with a Lab back in college to worry about, but we have done other things we don't want on the cover of the family newsletter. In order for a relationship to be healthy, how important is a policy of complete honesty?
In terms of kinky experiences and forbidden fantasies I'm confident I've told my partner all the kinkiest, which are thankfully turn ons in his case. Granted, theres nothing so wild as K9 lovin' in my history. I think it is a relationship builder that I'm not worried about him judging my past or my fantasies. I hope he feels the same way and from the things he has told me I think he does.
But are we totally honest with each other? No. If he comes out and asks me point blank about something my compulsion for being honest kicks in, but I don't volunteer anything that would hurt his feelings or cause unnecessary stress. I heard somewhere, as we probably all have, that if you feel the need to be brutally honest you are probably being more brutal than honest. I've had to check myself sometimes with my own brutal honesty to be sure of my own motives before jumping on my soapbox of Truth. I say I want him to be totally honest, and when I'm at my most masochistic you could swear I'm looking for something awful that will cause unneeded pain and suffering. Why else would I want to know what bad things someone may be saying about me, for example. I know I'm not alone when it comes to digging where I shouldn't be digging. But when I'm being rational I'm glad my partner loves me enough not to say some things, especially if they could only do damage.
So how do I feel about total honesty? Honesty and trust are essential to a healthy relationship. But when it comes to some truths...what he doesn't know won't hurt him.
What do you think about total honesty? As bloggers sometimes it seems like we have no limits in terms of what we will reveal, but what are yours? Have you ever put something out there that was obviously best kept in the vault? Has anyone ever confessed anything to you that you really wish they hadn't?
WWJC- What Would Janky Choose? for June 11
7:16 PM - WWJC- What Would Janky Choose? for June 11
Current mood: 
nauseated
If you were wondering what would JankyB choose then wonder no more. Here are my picks in the world of pop culture.
Movies- I recently went to the Baghdad Theater here in Portland ($3 movies, old style balcony, and you can eat a slice of pizza and drink a pitcher of beer in the theater..awesome) and saw super cool movie called "Grindhouse". 
For those that haven't seen it yet, it has my stamp of approval. It is actually a double feature. Robert Rodriguez (Sin City, From Dusk Till Dawn, Spy Kids) directs the bloody over the top zombie flick and Quentin Tarantino ( Kill Bill, Jackie Brown, Pulp Fiction) gives you a movie where girls really kick ass. Kurt Russels' misogynistic ass to be exact. These are both a sort of tribute to the over the top, cheesy, ultra violet exploitation films of the 1970's. It's obvious these guys love the grindhouse genre and they have fun kickin' it old school here. It's really just a fun, kick ass experience with lots of moments that make you want to cheer...which the audience I saw it with wasn't afraid to do. Grindhouse is definitely the coolest movie I have seen in a while, but how could it not be with these two directors in control. It is fun escapism at its most exploitive and goriest.
Old Movies- I'm feeling kinda sick today, so I've been curled up on the couch watching older movies that don't suck. Have you seen the late 70's version of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers"? You should. It's a great sci fi flick shot in a very film noir style where you can't trust anyone and things feel wrong and creepy right from the start. If this was film class I could do a whole paper on how it relates to alientation in a postmodern world...but I'm not and I wont do that to you. It stars Donald Sutherland, Jeff Goldblum and Lenard Nimoy. I own it if you wanna borrow a copy.
I watched another 70's era film, a documentary called "Grey Gardens" which I'd heard about but never got around to watching until now. I enjoyed it, but it's not for everybody. The film shows you the eccentric, often sad and bitter, but always musical lives of a mother and daughter living in a old mansion that could possibly become condemned due to it's janky state. These two women who love and resent each other apparently used to be beautiful, talented, and rich. They are also the cousin and aunt of Jackie Kennedy Onassis. This is a great character study of two great characters. The daughter..Little Edith went a little crazy somewhere along the way...probably during the 25 years she has been stuck taking care of her mother at Grey Gardens, while missing out on any life of her own. This is a cult classic that I'm glad I finally saw.
Books
If you want a good laugh out loud read you can't go wrong with any of the books by David or Amy Sedaris. He writes hysterical brutally honest short stories that leave me crying with laugher. Among his books are "Naked" "Holidays on Ice","Me Talk Pretty Someday" and "Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim."
Trust me they are all good. He is a self involved, obsessive compulsive, sometimes abuser of vice, gay guy who was a weird little gay outcast as a child. It was creepy how much we actually had in common at times. And you feel like you may know his family as well as if you were one of them. I love his mom so much it surprises me.
His Sister is the uber talented Amy Sedaris.
You may know her as Jerry Blank from "Strangers With Candy." She also voices on of the princesses in Shrek the Third. I love her so much I could just kidnap her and keep her in the basement forever! This girl is crazy. And a Crazy Good Host. I have her book "I like you. Hospitality Under the Influence." 
The book is of course funny, but it is not a joke book. There are some great recipes and party ideas from cover to cover. Amy also co wrote a innovative satire called "Wigfield" with her two close friends Paul Dinello and Stephen Colbert. Yeah...Colbert Nation host Stephen Colbert.
I liked this book so much that I wanted to steal the general idea and blog the crap out of it. It is written in small pieces through the voices of the jankiest, trashiest strippers, arsonists, and equally shady citizens of the soon to be destroyed town of Wigfield...which is really just a strip of highway with a lot of strip clubs and junkyards.
Inmates
I pick Martha Stewart over Paris Hilton. Yeah Martha is a ruthless bitch, but when she was sentenced to prison time she showed up early and did her time. Paris "I'm fucking famous for having more money than anyone should" Hilton showed up late to jail after trying to take over the MTV movie awards. She toughed it out for 2 whole days before some idiot sheriff decides she should be released due to an unspecified medical condition. I was so happy when the judge said no fucking way to that and threw her ass back in. Apparently she was crying and calling out for her Mom and even going so far as to make the sign of the cross while in court. Too bad her and Martha's sentences weren't in sync because I'd really like to see Paris become Ms. Stewart's personal bitch.
Beverages
I pick the yummy for my tummy Caramel Frapachino's over the kinda nasty Orange Creamcicle ones at Starbucks. I love t he Caramel ones. I could drink those all day. And I really like getting them at the Starbucks that are inside of Fred Myers. Do you know why? You aren't allowed to tip them when they are Freddy's employees. I can tell them how much I want to, but they can't accept it. Is it wrong to enjoy that so much?
Sports
I also pick the feel good sport of Frisbee now that the weather is so nice. Unlike the equally boring and stressful sport of baseball Frisbee is actually fun. Those are my picks. Let me know if you try any of them.
Childhood memories with my Nanny I will never forget
1. The Incredible Hulk!!- If only because I hear the same story about it at a family gathering at least once a year. OK..when I was little..say 4...I used to sit up real close to the TV. I mean mighty close...about 3 inches from the screen was optimal viewing. When my Aunt would babysit me if it happened to be the night Incredible Hulk was on there was a little trick her husband liked to play on me...and I guess it would be pretty funny, especially as stoned as he probably was. On a commercial he would change the channel and I would get my face right there in the TV so my nose was almost touching it. When the Hulk came back from commercial it was always a clip of the Hulk all super mad and swinging his huge arms and going Aghhhhhhh!!!! He would change it over to that at just the right moment and scare the living shit out of me. I guess having an angry Hulk right in my face was the stuff of my 4 year old night mares. But hey..I probably had a contact high too.
2. The Bionic Woman-
She changed my name. Well, she was the reason I changed mine. All my life I had been called Jamie by my family and that was all well and fine until I started preschool and everybody called me Jamie Summers, after the ol' gal. Little boys don't like being teased by being called names of girls...so when I started Kindergarten I was also trying out my new identity of James.3.Halloween II-
Back before cable my grandparents had something called UHF or U...something that was similar. I remember it was a big event one Friday when my mom, step dad and I went over to watch Halloween II.
It was the first horror movie I remember watching, I was probably 5 or 6, and it kick started an obsession I had with them growing up. I was the boy in the neighborhood whose parents didn't set any boundaries about what he watched...and I was everybody else's ticket to see the latest Friday the 13th. Anyway...Halloween II scared me big time. The image of the pumpkin on the credits started off freaking me out. To this day automatically pick my feet up off the floor if I'm sitting down and the theme come on. For some reason I think Micheal Myers is gonna grab me feet. Michael was the source of many of my childhood fears. There is a scene in the film where Micheal get to the hospital room that Jamie Lee Curtis is supposed to be in..goes to the bed and assumes the shape under the covers is her and really goes to town on the stabbings. But then he realizes there were just some pillows on the sharp end of his love and he gets really pissed. Well I had a plan for when Michael finally showed up in my room. I was going to strap packets of fake blood to the stuffed Cheetah I slept with every night...so when Micheal started stabbing he would see the blood and move along. I had many other horror movie related neurosis, but thats one of the first.
Right after the movie was over the Playboy Channel came on and my Grandma switched the station. My step dad started arguing with her about how fucked up that its ok for me to watch teens getting slaughtered but bare boobies were a no no. He did have a point, but I love my Grandma a fucking ton so I still have to side with her...25 years later. Besides. I wasn't interested in seeing the Playboy Channel then and I'm not interested now.
4. Epic Mini-Series. I remember watching 80's mini series events more vividly than things like my birthday. I was 8 when "The Day After" made its big debut in 1983, but I was overly paranoid about nuculear war for the rest of the decade.
I think that same year "The Burning Bed" gave me some great idea's for dealing with a certain step father that was a raging alcholoic at the time..and not a very nice one.
"V" was a god damned weeklong event that captivated me then...and it stands the test of time today. It was the series where the aliens are really snake people stealing our water and using our citizens as food, while pretending to be friends. There were so many comparisons with Nazi Germany at the time, but they work great for the issue of Homeland Security today. I get excited just thinking about how awesome it is still. The clip I posted is super cheesy, so if you havn't seen it don't judge by that. But it was pretty cool at the time.
Of course I had to have been into some miniseries that were pretty gay in hindsight. For me the gayest obsession of my youth was John Jakes "North and South". That shit was tight. Patric Swayze as the Confederate plantation owner whose best friend is a prominent Northerner. Kirstie Alley was the N----- loving abolitionist who loved a fight, was kinda crazy and tended to fuck the slaves she helped free. Genie Francis, Leslie Anne Down, Robert Carradine and Forrest Whittaker were all unforgettable roles. Plus you had guest stars like Johnny Cash, Elizabeth Taylor, Robert Mitchum, Morgan Fairchild and Gene Kelly. I liked it so much I even read the 1000+ page book. And one of the sequels. I actually have a craving to go back and check it out now. It really gave me a taste of the epic all star spectaculars that TV used to make, boy did it.
5. I was going to call it a list after the mini series, but what kind of list only has 4 items? So I'm going to credit my old pal Mr. Rogers with making me believe that he liked me because I was the very best me that I could be. That was ok in the 70's.
Just a little crack cocaine and Mom Jeans
Here are some ultra super awesome SNL commercial paradys. If you don't laugh your a creepy wierdo.
BJ and Brother Dean Sex Advice for 6/9/07
Brother Dean- Good Afternoon Sinners, may God have mercy on your souls. unless of course your souls are dirty playgrounds of carnal desires and disgusting depravity, which I'm sure they are if your an audience member of our show. BJ appears to be late, fornicating in the broom closet no doubt, so I'm going to get started without him. While I have the time I would like to bring up my personal hero, James Dobson. He is the brave wise righteous man who is the head of my favorite group, Focus on the Family. He brought up the timely point that a society that practically worships rites such as hard core lesbian sex is headed for doom--
(BJ rushes in and grabs a mic)BJ- Whoa, sorry I'm late.
Brother Dean- Were you fornicating in a broom closet?
BJ-Well, yeah. But I still would have been here in time if someone hadn't locked me in.
Brother Dean- Probably just a little harmless horse play.
BJ-Except they started a fire that nearly asphyxiated us.
Brother Dean- Burn now or burn later...lets move on. I was talking about Focus on the Family and--
BJ-Yeah, right. If you want to talk about that shit get your own show. I have mine. It's an adults only hard core video blog where I do anything the viewer requests. My fans know where to find me.
Brother Dean- Yeah, in the smoldering pits of--
BJ- tsk tsk tsk. Remember, you have to put a dollar in the jar every time you say Hell.
Brother Dean- fine. Lets take a question. Since BJ took all our letter home for apparent masturbation material and didn't return them we are taking this one from Iafrica.com.
"I'm 12-years-old and really want to have sex. Every night before I go to bed I touch my breasts and my clitoris. But I'm dying to have sex. Please help. What can I do?"
Brother Dean- First of all, and I'll try not to judge, I think everyone would agree that your getting a great start on being a dirty little whore. I mean...really. Am I wrong? You need to know that girls aren't supposed to want to have sex. Ever. Sex to a girl is a wifely duty that you must preform but never enjoy. Enjoying sex is for girls like Madonna or Hillary Clinton and other girls who dream of one day being a bride of Satan. Do you want to shame your family and experience eternal damnation in the bowels of Hell?
BJ-Ahhh! You said Hell. Dollar in the jar. OK...my turn. Personally I was also very sexual at that age, which is normal. But I just couldn't get over the part about you touching your breasts and clitoris. I wasn't touching any clitoris at that age and I'm still not. You need to go out and let other people touch your breasts and clitoris and you can get to work touching cock, which is really what you want anyway right?
Brother Dean- My Goodness, she's only 12!
BJ- I'm not saying she should do it now! Wait a few years, and in the meantime you can play Dr. with the neighbor kids. Thats what I did. I was known as Dr. BJ all up and down the street until I was in my early teens. I still see some of my old patients. Speaking of Doctor's, I have an exam with a really hot med student in the alley behind the station. I need to run. Until next time...have a freaky weekend.
Brother Dean- And I'll see you in church on Sunday? right? Oh whatever.
Friendly Stranger Warning- They may be homosexual
Thursday, July 12, 2007
The stars are back with a vengence...your horroscope for June 8th
Aries-
Jupiter and Mars align making this the perfect day to either get your wisdom teeth pulled, start collecting Don Ho records or barely survive a shark attack. But not all 3 at once. Pick one. Don't be greedy.
Taurus- 
The stars think that outfit makes you look fat.
Gemini-
This message is from that sea monkey colony you started recently. They appreciate that you brought them to life, but could do without the massive earthquakes a few times a day. They would really like you to decide if your a just and loving god or a vengeful god. Unlike the humans, they say they wont put up with you trying to be both.
Cancer-
Everything points to you making a huge life altering change today Cancer! Isn't it exciting? Just look for a big decision and make it! Convert to Mormonism. Quit drinking and join a 12 step program. Quit a 12 step program and join a drinking contest! Go out and get pregnant! The options are limitless and the rest of us will have so much to gossip about once you finally go for it.
Leo-
It's the perfect day to start smoking Leo. Isn't it about time you stop fighting it and just give in? All the cool kids are doing it. Your a cool kid, aren't you? -----This horoscope brought to you by your friends at Phillip Morris.
Virgo-
You have been thinking about letting go and acting a bit naughty lately, haven't you Virgo? I say go for it! Let that special someone take those naughty pictures of you that they have been dying to take. I guarantee they will be very tasteful and oh so flattering. Don't even think about it...just throw your legs in the air and let the camera do its magic.
Libra-
The stars didn't mention you this week Libra. Did you do something to make them mad? You must have. Every time you say anything the stars make a big deal about not hearing you, saying "Does anybody hear that? The wind is really making some noise". You know that game. Uh-oh. now the stars are dividing the room in half with a piece of tape, and don't think your getting the half with the bathroom.
Scorpio-
OK, perv, I think I convinced Virgo to let you take those nasty pictures you want to take. I better get a few copies.
Sagittarius-
You deserve some rest Sag. When you get home this evening crack open a nice bottle of Bud, dig into a new Wendy's chicken club and watch the return of NBC's summer reality show "The Biggest Loser." Man, thats living. ----this horoscope brought to you by Budweiser, Wendy's and NBC Must see TV.
Capricorn-
Don't be surprised if a romance turns into a super scary stalker this weekend. You'll think twice about dressing like a tramp next time. The slutty look always gets the attention of the crazies, but then they always end up using it against you.
Aquarius-
You better watch what you say about me water boy. You don't want to mess with me. No way. The stars got my back, cuz we're tight. You hardly ever read anything bad about Gemini, do you? So you can step back and maybe find the love of your life this week. Or you can keep messing with me and end up on the run from some renegade Scientologists wanting to make you the next Mrs. Tom Cruise. It's your choice.
Pisces-
The stars want you to go out and have fun this week. Don't worry about responsibilities or deadlines. Just go crazy. I have some naked pictures of Virgo and I think Cancer is off the wagon again. Lets party!