Friday, February 2, 2007

horoscopes...featuring the zodiac killer

Aries-Your evening is going fine until skanky janky Taurus shows up on your very own corner that you have been working forever and tries to steal your customers..Thankfully she leaves shortly after you threaten to cut her with a broken mad dog bottle. Alas you wasted most of the alcohol in the process causing you to swear vengeence with the rest of the skanky hos watching.

Taurus-The good news is you finally quit smoking. The bad news is that it wasn't until the fire department was finally able to put you out! The authorities are calling it a mysterious case of spontaneous combustion, but it is kind of fishy considering every other member of the zodiac wanted you dead that night!!(GASP)so what were the motives???

Gemini- Taurus discovered that the more evil of your evil twin personality's had actually been in control for the past few weeks and was plotting one nefarious scheme after another. Taurus wanted in on it, but you don't take blackmail very easily.

Cancer- You have no idea why you would want to hurt Taurus. Thats because you seem to have no idea about anything being as you were found wandering down 82nd avenue with your cloths torn and your memory gone about the time of the accident. Now its not that unusual for you to be wandering in a naked daze there, but red flags went off when you said no to some crack from your favorite crack dealer who was willing to exchange some for a little nookie..something you are usually more than willing to do

.Leo- Taurus had been planning on trying to get out of the business and go legit. As the top daddy pimp around these parts you couldn't let that happen. Nobody just leaves your employment like that.

Virgo- Taurus had stumbled across you medical records that proved without a doubt that you were responsible for the great crab outbreak of '88 that nearly decimated the adult film industry. If that became known you could say good bye to the big porn comeback you had been planning.

Libra- You always wanted to make that bull yours. But when you had your chance Taurus found out that you are not a man at all, but merely a large scale ..and a scale that had been packing a fake phallus in its pants. That information would make you an easy target for the drug dealers around who would enslave you and force you to weigh out crack all day long. Plus all those girls and gay boys you fooled with the pretend peter wouldn't take it lying down.

Scorpio- You don't need a good reason. Your a Scorpio. You're already number one on the suspect list cuz everyone knows you would sooner kill a jankey ho than look at em. or fuck em. its all the same to your type.

Sagittarius- you found out that Taurus was really the person behind the screen name QueenMuffit...your arch nemesis on Ebay who had beat you out of a limited edition "My Mother the Car" salt and pepper shaker set for the last time!!

Capricorn- You had discovered that the writers of this show ...the stars...were planning on making you the first victim of the Zodiac Killer but instead Taurus got the ax. Did you somehow pull a fast one backstage...cuz we know they would't have fallen for your casting couch seduction. Nobody busy the cow..or even rents it when everybody can get your milk for free.
- You also have no idea what you were doing at the time of the murder as you were in another drunken blackouts. Once again you woke up with the body of another police office lying dead next to you in bed. Its a good thing he was just an extra or you would be in real trouble.

Pices-You snuck off that same night to go deliver your triplets in the secret underground city of Eterna which hides a secret so chilling it makes the question of your babbles shady paternity pale in comparason.

Who is the killer? Who will die next? Will I like where this is going well enough to continue it or will next the next batch of horoscopes be back to business as usual so you never have to read a messed up piece of shit like this again.???

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