The stars must hate you...your horoscope and Zodiac Killer update for Tuesdays All Star Extravaganza!!(if you haven't read any of the zodiac killer horoscopes yet you might want to check out Feb 1st, and Feb. 4th. or don't. the basic story is that like 12 little Indian's someone is killing off members of the constellations one by one...or in the last episode 3.)
Be extra cautious this morning when going down in your basement Aries, that sex slave/FBI agent you have chained up down there just might have a trick or two up his sleeve..well his metaphorical sleeve, being as you didn't leave him much to wear. If you read this horoscope first thing in the morning before doing absolutely anything else you will be OK. Just take your stun gun with you and shock the ungrateful bastard(he's hiding behind the door). But if you insist on doing things your own way and sneaking off to the basement first thing you will be the new powerless sex slave, and that not what you want is it? Is it? hmmmm...on second thought things work out for you either way.
I thought we covered this the last two horoscopes Taurus. Your dead, remember. It's your big flaming(and i don't mean gay)self that started this whole monster of a story in the first place. So quit checking your future already. Your so so two weeks ago!Let go of your earthly remains already, the rest of us have. sheesh!
The sparks fly when you team up with Virgo for a little Nancy Drewing...aka some sleuthing...aka sweaty hardcore kicking of the boots. Yep the boot part is literal on account that you end up locked in a closet full of stripper costumes together(long story, but it started out innocent enough)and you get a little nasty in a stripper version of a cowboy outfit...i.e. nothing is covering Virgo's bare ass in those chaps. It turns out that in the closet is a major clue to the identity of the Zodiac Killer. Its an envelope with the name of Capricorns lover...which we know is also the killer. Thats when the sparks literally fly. A fire breaks out which in all probability will be Gemini and Virgo's death!!!
It will be one surprise after another at work this week Cancer. First you will receive a lot of extra attention from a coworker, which your boss seems to be OK with. You will also get a generous sum of money that you must split with the two of them. Actually those aren't surprises being that you're a stripper and you always have to tip out your fellow dancer who you team up with for a sexy little act you do together involving a trapeze, a painted pink panther and some lamb chops. The surprise comes when you go backstage and discover the costume room is on fire!!You are a big hero when you rescue Gemini and Virgo who are trapped in their. Unfortunately the killer has given the pink panther aggression drugs and let him loose!!And let me tell you ...the panther isn't happy about being painted pink..or anything else he was made to do. Your last surprise is being eaten alive by a pretty pink panther.
Your really not so charmed after all Leo. Not in your most recent incarnation on Earth where you were cursed with a hair lip, humorous lisp and awful onion breath. Oh and that horrible end. OH, it hasn't happened yet? Well, let me tell you the Zodiac Killer(or ZK and I like to call him or her)is gonna get you, and get you good. You will be injected with this drug that gets your adrenaline up, and once its good and high if it slows down your heart will explode. Its like that bus in speed. Or like that guy in Crank who gets shot up with this drug and ..well its exactly like that movie. Thats where the ZK got the idea. Yes my friends, movies really do influence bad people.Bad news is your lazy ass can't keep your heart rate up for long. The good and i guess charmed news is that you look really cute as an angel. Check out the snapshot above. So I guess things worked out fine after all. OK, sort of cute and you have a bunch of pigeons crapping all over you, but thats life. And death.
You feel light headed after the fire in the stripper costume closet/narrowly escaping death by a pink panther attack thing but you have just enough piece of mind to read the letter pointing the finger to the killer. You manage a great theatrical GASP! before you pass out. When you come to, your tied up good in the killers basement!!
You may be dead Libra, but that doesn't stop your body from providing much needed comic relief in a Weekend At Bernie's style story. Your body cruises around town, water ski's and throws a hell of a party. Apparently its quite popular with the ladies too...ewwww.
Don't let little things pile up Scorpio or you will be stuck dealing with more than you can handle this afternoon. A secret admirer lets you know just how cute you are at a hot new dance club in the evening. And when you excuse yourself to go use the rest room you will walk in and find yourself staring right in the eyes of the Zodiac Killer! na na na na na na na na(sung like the Twilight Zone music).
You will surprise your co-workers today with the truth about how you really feel about them. You will be surprised in return when this passionate act of honesty gets you fired and escorted out of the building.
You are ironically reincarnated as a big ol' mountain goat. constantly jumping from peak to peak.Forever.Man how boring. I guess their is retribution for the sins of this life. Do you hear that Scorpio? You get punished for your sins. Did you get that Gemini?
Your dead Capricorn. yes you are. yes you are your so dead. you smell like something dead. yes you do.
While out shopping you find the cutest little black dress that if you match with the right accessories you could wear to each of the funerals you'll get invited to this week.