Dear Diary..on America's birthday I became a Man

I
think I may have joined the ranks of semi responsible adult on the 4th,
at least on the family scorecard. The reason for such a drastic image
change is due to the Holiday miracle that was my Independence Day
Bar-B-Q. Yes faithful reader, I was trusted to host a family event and
not only did it not end with me blacked out in jail for arson or with
me going to another party having forgotten about my own but it was a
success!

I should probably give credit to my partner in crime, Cain, without
whom it would have not been nearly as awesome. We threw the party
together the night before, having originally planned to just go to the
blues festival. It was all last minute, but thats the way I roll. heh.

This was also the first time any of my family or friends from back
home had been to our house, and if it went differently it might have
been the last.

You may not get what a big deal it is, but even thought I'm the
oldest cousin, the idea of letting me be responsible for the entire
holiday is usually not very realistic. My cousin Christina is the
obvious choice and the face that she is an incredible cook doesn't
hurt. But she welcomed the chance to not have to spend all her money
and clean the house before and after the guests arrived.

Cain gets an A+ in party throwing. We had candy necklaces and glow
bracelets for my nieces (best friends girls...but close enough), red,
white and blue little mini fans, and so many flags I worried the
neighbors might think I was a Republican. I even bought a slip and
slide like water thing...a water hop scotch sprinkler to be exact. So
what if I broke it almost immediately. So I'm a little over the
recommended age range.

The real test would be the potato salad. My cousin makes what could
modestly be called a fan favorite. I think the promise of Christina's
potato salad was the extra incentive that lured Sarah over here instead
of on board a yacht watching fireworks on the river. I don't presume to
claim it was as good as hers, but it was close. And Christina was
impressed that I made her a special batch without pickles, something
nobody had done before.

That potato salad was actually the source of at least 4 fights Cain
and I had over the course of two days. The salad represented a lot more
than just a summer side dish in my mind and any suggestions or anything
short of applause didn't really go over to well with me. Yeah..I was a
sensitive bitch. But I admit my lunacy most of the time.

I also got kinda buzzed, much more than I have in a long time.
Surprisingly it was the closest to drunk Cain has ever seen me, which
is shocking considering just a couple years ago I was drunk every
night. And was quickly reminded why I drink less the next day when it
was brought to my attention that apparently I can be kind of a dick.

I had no idea he was mad, but looking back it makes some kind of
sense. I was sharing stories and details about some personal things
with my friends that embarrassed him. But they got big laughs! I'm a
sucker for a good audience and its hard to stop when I'm on a roll.
Just anther aspect to my personality thats kind of whorish.

I found out he was upset the next night, and by that time he had
promoted the incident to the post of officially a big deal. This is how
we differ. When I'm mad or upset you hear about it almost immediately.
Or you get the deafening silent treatment. Either way I react in the
moment. Cain lets it stew, while he decides what he thinks and how he
feels about the particular offense. And while he decides he wants to be
alone. As in he wants me to give him some space. As in he is ok with
going to bed mad, while i work up a good amount of anxiety in my room.
I hate going to bed mad as much as I hate it when he goes all silent
and cold.

Instead of going into anxiety attack mode I did what always makes
me feel more in control.....I went into some serious craft time. I
made a card that acknowledged that I was a dick and had taken him for
granted. Inside the card I put my secret weapons. Homemade coupons.
valuable ones.

1. I Owe You one blow job to be redeemed anytime and place of your choice.

2. I Owe You one Top to Bottom Room cleaning. Room of your choice.

3.
a Give Me a Break card. Anytime I am bitching, whining, freaking out or
obsessing on something or just being annoying he can hand me the card
and I will promise to stop and at least fake a pleasant mood.

4. 1 Get Out Of Jail Free Card. This
is a big one. He can bail himself out of any big trouble he's gotten
into with me with this card. He could have used it when he was off
slumming around on my birthday while I sat at home plotting his
downfall.

I also wrote a card that promised that the subjects that I was blabbing
about to my friends that are sensitive to him would no longer be topics
I would discuss with others.

The cards worked. He was happy and I got out of having to actually
discuss the way I acted that caused the trouble in the first place.
Gee...sorry about how long and boring this blog was. This will just be
one of those rare times I use the blog like a journal. Next time I'll
warn you with some Dear Diary heads up in the subject. Now I owe you
some of those damn cards...fine. I Owe You one Blow job.....

Oprah! Oprah! I just had an A-Ha moment! (revisted)

3:15 PM - Oprah! Oprah! I just had an A-Ha moment! (revisted)

Something Personal....
I just read a bittersweet blog in which a girl remembers a past love with a mix of fondness and longing.As is typical of most of us, she realized in hindsight just how wonderful their life together was; a fact she was blind to when it mattered. Her feelings of regret , plastered out on the screen, for not appreciating what was right in front of her grabbed hold of something in me that was guilty of the same thing. It effectively opened my eyes, but only temporarily, to the very real blessing of the guy lying asleep in the next room.

In that moment, in this moment, I know with everything in me just how lucky I am right now. Nothing in my life before he made his entrance could have predicted me ending up with someone so....good. Certainly not the track records held by the majority of my friends and family, who with a few exceptions, don't end up with the good guy. Instead of the hero, they seem destined to hitch their wagon onto the jerks and creeps. Or at least to someone who will never be mistaken for Mr. Right. But I think I did.I know I did. Is it even possible that I could be a winner at love?
This same time last year, fate was preparing to follow up the many bitch slaps she had merely been teasing me with by landing a teeth-rattling sucker punch right to my core.I got knocked down to one of the lowest points of my life where I couldn't even afford myself the luxury of thinking of the future. The day I met Cain homelessness was literally days away and I wasn't sure I cared. Looking back I can't believe how quickly my life changed direction.

I was someone who wasn't looking for love, and honestly never believed that it would happen to me. It just wasn't in the storyboards. The writers of my story simply weren't interested in telling a love story. I was even OK with that.
Now I'm living with a truly awesome human being. Integrity is a word that defines him. He is idealistic, fair, honest, fucking A smart (if a bit long winded for a Gemini like myself who can finish his sentences for him, then still have to endure waiting while he confirms that I was right in guessing what he was going to say) funny (sometimes in a very Virgo, Star Trek loving, High School English Teacher kind of way) and warm. Did I mention he is fucking hot. Take a look at his pics in my picture section. Add to this the bonuses that he doesn't have an unpredictable temper, doesn't ever resort to violence and never makes me feel trapped, pressured or judged.(Well, I do feel judged on my cleaning habits, but I possibly deserve to be.)

I just went and crawled into bed with Cain for a little while and we held each other while I tried to grasp onto the moment. In this moment we had each other. We had our love, and we had our future together. But who knows what the future has in store for us? The odds are that every relationship will end. Most people deeply in love and on top of the world don't stay there. Those dizzying highs more often than not are followed by bone crushing falls to the Earth. I have faith that this will not happen to us, but my faith isn't blind. The reality is that we will have some bad times ahead somewhere in our path. I am resolved to fight for us, and I know he is too. Will it be enough?

Is one of our greatest enemies my self destructive, needy, selfish emotionally immature inner brat that doesn't appreciate what we have. It's the part that lurks in the dark waiting to sabotage everything over inevitable roadblocks, some real some imagined. It's at those times when that stubborn bitch side of me rises up that I need to remind myself to appreciate what I have.

As I lay with my arms around Cain, I held him as tight as I could without waking him up too much. I squeezed my arms around him, listening to his heart beat in his chest, inhaling his scent. I know one day I will look back on this time in my life and wish I had realized what I had and appreciated it. Even if we grow old and die together I know that there will be times that I would gladly pay a millions of dollars to be able to experience this moment that I was already starting to take for granted. Instead of staying in his arms all night, I had to sneak off to the computer to get these thoughts on the screen. How good are our chances of a lifetime together when I can't even hold onto rare moments of comprehension for more than a half hour? I hope putting this in writing will help make these truths part of my conscious thought rather than cheap sentiment that burns away at the first light of day. I'm committed to making sure that if this relationship fails it won't be because I threw it away in a moment of arrogance. On second thought,...I'm just committed to making sure this relationship thrives with newfound appreciation. I can make it sound so easy. Maybe it is.

update. It isn't. I wrote most of these thoughts about 2 months ago and haven't thought about them since. I just took the time to edit them and polish things up a bit. As I read this I start to remember how I felt that night in my moment of clarity, and once again I resolve to make this a part of my conscious everyday thoughts. Lets plan on checking back in a couple months and see how that worked out.