your weekly slap on the ass from the stars

your weekly -ish slap on the ass from the stars

Jupiter conjoins with Mars this week, Aries, leaving you with a nasty case of the crabs. NO, not the cute little sand crabs they sell at the Mall. I'm talking about the ones that live in your pubic hair and lay eggs. gross. Nobody have sex with any Aries for this week if you don't want little bugs sucking the blood out of your sexual regions. Which reminds me of a cute little anecdote. A nursing home I used to work at years ago had a call in sheet by the phones with a checklist with all the various reasons employees might call in sick. There was the usual boxes for the flu and cold. But also on the list of reasons why someone might call in was the option of herpes. It made me wonder if someone had actually called in and said they couldn't possibly come in to work because of a raging case of herpes. That really has nothing to do with you though Aries, because there is no box for crabs.

Watch out for roving gangs of horny rabid midgets prowling the streets this weekend committing unspeakable sex acts on every big person that crosses their path. So if you've never been sexually assaulted by a dozen perved out little people, now is your chance to cross that off your list. I know I will.

The laws of Fate are very clear that you should really try not to ever have children. It's a proven fact that if you make fun of someone that is different or that has a handicap Fate will punish you by inflicting that same abnormality on your children. And since you make fun of nearly everybody you come in contact with that is a little...differently-abled the odds that your kid will be a deaf colorblind Jehovah's Witness albino with a hilarious case of Turrets Syndrome are pretty high.They will also watch hour after hour of Dora the Explorer and Bratzs movies when they aren't involuntarily calling you a Motherfucker over and over at the grocery store. Use a condom.

Your starting to grow a mono brow Cancer, but for the love of Jesus don't use a razor and try to shave between your eyebrows. I knew a guy in high school who did that and ended up taking out half of his left eyebrow out in one stroke. Unfortunately he didn't stop there. Once half the eyebrow was gone the only thing he could think of to do was shave the other 1 and 1/2 eyebrows off and make up a story about having a seizure and calling the ambulance. He claimed that the paramedics had to attach electrodes to his forehead and the only way they could do it correctly was by ...you guessed it...shaving his eyebrows off. Man did he look scary. Kinda Frankenstein like. And the sad part is that once I found out the truth and accidentally told everybody what really happened nobody believed him about the whole seizure thing. So the moral of the story is...pluck or wax.

The stars are aligning in just the right position making this the perfect week to take up smoking Leo. Smoke em if you've got em.

You can go right to Hell if you think you so special that you can tell me my potato salad has too much mayonnaise in it Virgo. You heard me. Straight to Hell.

Why do you always lie all the time? Nobody believes any of those far out stories about cool things you've done or neat skills you have. You sure got that lying lier skill down pat. That's pretty neat. lier.


- Everybody's always saying how good you are in bed. "Scorpio is just so good in bed" they say. "Scorpio is a insatiable twisted perv" they say. "Scorpio is so talented with his tongue" they all say. Whatever. You weren't that good. And to be honest...my Grandmother could probably out perv you if last night was any judge. Prude.

You should never have messed around with that Necronomocon Sag. It's just common sense not to go around playing with the book of the dead. Now we have this whole zombie infestation to worry about, not to mention all the flying demon things. Sheesh. Thanks a lot you big ruiner.

Do I even know any Capricorns? Does even one single goat person read my blog? I could whip up some awesome, imaginative horoscope that nobody's ever gonna read or I could save any flares of genius I could waste on you and give it to Aquarius. I think I'll do that.

Don't leave the house this week. Don't answer the phone. Don't read and mail and for the love of Pete don't watch TV. Hmmm...what else? Don't eat any shellfish or eat any farm raised catfish. Don't put your penis in a hollowed out cucumber that was just in the microwave until you are sure its not too hot. Only put it in there for like 4 seconds or you'll get burned. And don't have sex with any Aries or you'll get crabs. Just sit there. And Wait. I'll let you know when it's safe again.

This is going to sound like really far out advice Pisces, but I swear I'm not crazy. This totally doesn't make any sense and it goes against everything you know...but I'm just gonna say it. It might not be a good idea to trust a crackhead this week. I know..they are usually right on the money...oh and speaking of money. Don't loan them any money this week either. In fact it might be a good idea if you hide your money. And if you decide to have sex with one be prepared to get crabs. Even if they aren't an Aries. The crabs are coming down hard on the crack heads and the Aries right now. And possibly the Aquarius too if they do anything besides just sit there. Oh...and Scorpio and Libra look like they have one creepy crawly or another too.Did you just itch your down yonder area? Oh God..between the zombies and the horned out midgets and the crabs this is like...the best week ever! Well..if your into that sort of thing.

The stars are back with a vengence...your horroscope for June 8th

The stars are back with a vengence...your horroscope for June 8th

Aries-
Jupiter and Mars align making this the perfect day to either get your wisdom teeth pulled, start collecting Don Ho records or barely survive a shark attack. But not all 3 at once. Pick one. Don't be greedy.

Taurus- The stars think that outfit makes you look fat.

Gemini-
This message is from that sea monkey colony you started recently. They appreciate that you brought them to life, but could do without the massive earthquakes a few times a day. They would really like you to decide if your a just and loving god or a vengeful god. Unlike the humans, they say they wont put up with you trying to be both.

Cancer-
Everything points to you making a huge life altering change today Cancer! Isn't it exciting? Just look for a big decision and make it! Convert to Mormonism. Quit drinking and join a 12 step program. Quit a 12 step program and join a drinking contest! Go out and get pregnant! The options are limitless and the rest of us will have so much to gossip about once you finally go for it.

Leo-
It's the perfect day to start smoking Leo. Isn't it about time you stop fighting it and just give in? All the cool kids are doing it. Your a cool kid, aren't you? -----This horoscope brought to you by your friends at Phillip Morris.

Virgo-
You have been thinking about letting go and acting a bit naughty lately, haven't you Virgo? I say go for it! Let that special someone take those naughty pictures of you that they have been dying to take. I guarantee they will be very tasteful and oh so flattering. Don't even think about it...just throw your legs in the air and let the camera do its magic.

Libra-
The stars didn't mention you this week Libra. Did you do something to make them mad? You must have. Every time you say anything the stars make a big deal about not hearing you, saying "Does anybody hear that? The wind is really making some noise". You know that game. Uh-oh. now the stars are dividing the room in half with a piece of tape, and don't think your getting the half with the bathroom.

Scorpio-
OK, perv, I think I convinced Virgo to let you take those nasty pictures you want to take. I better get a few copies.

Sagittarius-
You deserve some rest Sag. When you get home this evening crack open a nice bottle of Bud, dig into a new Wendy's chicken club and watch the return of NBC's summer reality show "The Biggest Loser." Man, thats living. ----this horoscope brought to you by Budweiser, Wendy's and NBC Must see TV.

Capricorn-
Don't be surprised if a romance turns into a super scary stalker this weekend. You'll think twice about dressing like a tramp next time. The slutty look always gets the attention of the crazies, but then they always end up using it against you.

Aquarius-
You better watch what you say about me water boy. You don't want to mess with me. No way. The stars got my back, cuz we're tight. You hardly ever read anything bad about Gemini, do you? So you can step back and maybe find the love of your life this week. Or you can keep messing with me and end up on the run from some renegade Scientologists wanting to make you the next Mrs. Tom Cruise. It's your choice.

Pisces-
The stars want you to go out and have fun this week. Don't worry about responsibilities or deadlines. Just go crazy. I have some naked pictures of Virgo and I think Cancer is off the wagon again. Lets party!

Archives-Sexual horoscope for week of 5/17/07

5:47 PM - your sexual horoscope for the week of may 17,2007

Aries- I see big things in your future Aries, but only if you want to spend 39.99 on those awesome new penile enlargements that keep popping up in your email inbox. And tell them who sent you, 'cuz I supposedly get a cut. But don't you worry yourself about that, just remember Big Thing(s) Aries, Big! And for you girley rams, I hear...er I ugh "see" they work in the bust type area as well.

Taurus- sex and work do not mix Taurus. Well,unless of course you happen to be an escort. Otherwise it's a big no no! I guess they also do kinda mix if you happen to be a high-tech hooker as seen on Craigslist. Oh don't forget the sex therapists. Or the sex educators. Well if we're making a list theres also porn stars, anyone in advertising,strippers, and most workers at massage parlors. Sex if probably some kind of job perk if your a drug dealer. Sex is all in a days work if your a reviewer of porn movies, work in a sex shop, are a sex researcher, are a....ok forget what I said about sex and work not mixing.

Gemini- The details are a little fuzzy Gemini, but I see you jumping half naked out of a big cake this week. Either your moonlighting as a stripper at some sexy parties, or your really trying to scare a loved one into staying on that no sweets diet.

Cancer- You and I have a few things to clear up. What do you think I could be talking about? No, it's not because you forgot to tell me how good I looked the other night, but now that you mention it I did look pretty good. Give up? You forgot to leave me a little "gift" on the bed stand after my last visit in which you yourself say I looked particularly good. Tskk tskk. Some people have businesses to run Cancer, and I'm sure you don't want ..some people to have to go to...some other people like your wife for the balance, now do you?

Leo-The good news is your parents will finally sit you down for that long delayed chat about the birds and the bees this week. The bad news is it's about 2 decades too late and the last few questions you still have about the subject are not one's you want answered by them.

Virgo- Good news Virgo, only one more punch on your card and you get a free hour with one of the Lusty Ladies and/or Gentlemen of the Magic Massage Parlor of your choice. Don't forget about our 2 for Tuesday specials.

Libra- I see a few drinks over at the home of an old friend who has a taste for body shaving. As in shaving your body. Anyway, thats not the unusual part. I'm also seeing you getting your picture taken while "handcuffed" to a towel rack wearing some cutesy trick handcuffs you happened to take from your partners closet. I guess thats not so strange for you either, but the real cute part is the look on your face when you discover those handcuffs aren't so tricky and your friend needs to call the locksmith before his kids get home for college around noon and your handcuffed to the towel rack completely shaved and naked except for the Robin (as in Batman) mask and cape. Let me tell you something..about the same thing happened to me once in a little cottage in Lake Oswego....

Scorpio- Nothing new to report this week scorpio. You will have your usual hot and wild sex on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday. What about Monday? Looks like you'll be plotting some kind of revenge..oh and then move on to some hot and wild sex. You Crazy Scorpio's!That didn't just piss you off did it? Cuz I really hate it when I accidentally piss you off. Especially since we have this whole week of sex planned.

Sagittarius-Do you remember what happened this last spring break Sag? I didn't think so. Fortunately you will just have to ask any of the guys that purchased this last edition of Girls Gone Really Damn Wild. I have a feeling they can fill you in on the details.

Capricorn- You will become involved in a hot, juicy political sex scandal that will make Monica Lewinsky look like June Cleaver. Unfortunately it will also involve the not so lovely Dick Chaney. On the bright side you could be taking down a whole evil like organization and appear on Oprah. But is it worth it?

Aquarius- Your sign is the water bearer Aquarius and it's a fact that you swim like a graceful little frog. You excel at water polo, Marco polo and the game where someone pretends to be Jaws swimming around the pool while everybody else tries to not get knocked off their inflatable recliners. So you are thrilled when you see a personal ad online seeking watersport enthusiasts and quickly respond. Let me know what you think afterwards water bearer.

Pisces- A graceful little frog just responded to that ad you have online Pisces..go check your mail (see Aquarius above).

your life crutch for for the week of may 2nd

Star light Star bright....the stars spit in your face tonight. Your horroscope..

Star light Star bright....
the stars spit in your face tonight.
Your horroscope for the week of May 2, 2007

Aries- Today is a great day to finally pull the plug on any loved ones who have been racking up the hospital bills recently with their fancy respirators. Take in a movie while your out and about.

Taurus- Forget all that diet and exercise mumbo jumbo you've been contemplating Taurus. Bulimia is making a comeback as the hot new weight loss program. Just look at Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. Eat all you want, then let the toilet have all those pesky calories.

Gemini- Everybody really likes your sexy new haircut Gem. Jupiter and Venus conjoin to make this a great time to whore it up all over time just like the old days.

Cancer- Lifetime Television for women and the Oxygen network race to get their version of your life story made into television movies this week. The Lifetime movie stars Valerie Bertaneli as you while Oprah tackles the role over at Oxygen. That kinda bites for you male Cancers. Both movies reveal every last detail of your story and both films suck ass and in a few cases actually bore a few seniors in Florida to death.

Leo- Its a fine time to find romance Leo. Especially if you can scrape together the $45 dollars for the Russian she male who works on the corner. How sweet.

Virgo- I think its awesome that we are comfortable enough with each other that you can tell me when you think my breath is bad and how loudly I allegedly snore Virgo. Just awesome. That makes it especially sweet that I can share with you just how big of a farting machine you are at night. In the spirit of honesty I also need to reveal that I shaved your head while you dozed soundly after all the Nyquil I dosed you with before bed. Oh...and I replaced your shampoo withe Nair. Damn, this honesty does feel nice.

Libra- Your loved ones are planning an intervention today to confront your growing alcoholism. The stars suggest you skip it and meet me for a night of booze and hookers south of the border. Are you game? Of course you are rummy.

Scorpio- Orange is so your color Scorpio. Actually its gonna have to be your color for the next 5 to 10 years. Hot.

Sagittarius- Your glamorous new career as a drug dealer hits a snag this week when you manage to get two cars stolen, are robbed at gunpoint by you aunt/best customer and end up leaving your entire stash that you haven't yet paid for in a video booth at a nasty shop you stopped to have dirty sex in. But it's not to late to change the future....oh wait. I meant to post this earlier. Those awful things already happened, didn't they? Oops. Oh Well, theres always the fast paced world of street prostitution.

Capricorn- Its a red letter week for you goats Cappy. You will find the love of your life and a long lost sibling this week. Heres a little advice...try not to make them the same person. OK?

Aquarius- Bitch, if you think you can be getting all up on my man when I leave the room, like I can't see you in this great big trailer then your stupider than your mama said you were. You better watch it. I'll cut you bitch.

Pisces- Your face will be all over the cover of The Enquirer, The Star and The Sun when it is revealed that somebody knows what you did last summer. The Weekly World News decides to run with a follow up on Bat Boy and what he's been up to for the last few years.

The stars are casting for this week...

Your bonus horoscope for the weekend/Movie Trivia.

Your weekend starts with no potential as you are forced to spend the whole day Saturday in detention. It gets off to a rocky start when you and the 4 losers you are detained with immediately start fighting each other, but when you start to butt heads with the prick of a teacher supervising you the 5 of you start to get to know each other. All the pot you kids smoke helps with the bonding feeling.By the end of the day you wind up dating one of the students you seem to be most different than...unless your the geek. If your the geek you get nobody. You also leave behind a profound essay that will be the rally cry of a generation..."Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us... In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...
and an athlete...
and a basket case...
a princess...
and a criminal...
Does that answer your question?... Sincerely yours, _____________" What movie does your weekend seem to be plagiarizing?


It really sucks to be you this weekend when your crack head/ho mom and her grabby boyfriend get arrested leaving you all alone. Rather than go to another foster home you handcuff your social worker to your bed and hit the road on a quest to find your grandmother who doesn't even know you exist. Your bad luck continues when you get picked up by a seemingly friendly man (who looks a lot like Jack Bauer from 24) who gains your trust then turns on you. He is really a serial killer who thinks of you as a garbage person. You barely make it out alive by shooting his face all to hell...but the stories not over yet when your arrested by police who don't believe a word of your story. Look for the guys bitchy wife to look just like Brooke Shields. Do you know what movie your weekend is copying?


You will wish you had stayed home this weekend when you and your spouse/partner/whatever you call yourselves go over to a professor and his wife's house for drinks. It starts out fucked up and just gets worse because this couple are a bunch of dramatic, mean, talky alcoholics who try to hurt each other and you and your partner any chance they get. Things get even weirder when they begin to reveal the secret of a child they may or may not have ever had as the four of you get drunker and drunker until the whole world seems to be filmed in black and white. Do you know what movie and play your life resembles?

On your way to visit an old teacher to tell him of your engagement you and your recent fiance get a flat tire during a storm, leaving you stranded out in the middle of nowhere.You wont believe your eyes when your sheltered existence comes to a crashing end with the group of whacked out, crazy, lust driven perverts who inhabit the dark castle you attempt to find refuge in. On the plus side you learn a few new songs and dances and begin your sexual awakening...with a bang! What long running cult classic did you step into?



You have one wild weeknd when you attempt to score some rent money to keep from getting evicted by scoring some Ecstasy and selling it at a big rave. You will find yourself in the middle of a real life drug sting involving a coupul of gay soap stars that will find a real dick of a drug dealer looking to put a cap in your ass. Your crazy night will intersect with the crazy stories of friends and strangers alike on a fast paced night you won't soon forget. What could they call the movie of your life ..at least this weekend? OH...they already made it...whats it called?



I've warned you before about this Virgo, but you seem obsessed with getting on that mother fucking plane with those mother fucking....Well I can't tell you exactly whats on that plane...but there are a lot of them and they are pissed off. The things get put on the plane to kill one eyewitness, but they go after all of you and the chances of getting off of this plane alive get worse and worse as every thing that could go wrong does. You'll be glad Samuel L. Jackson just happens to be on the same flight....what movie could you be living?



You weekend doesn't go at all as planned when you wind up getting your RV taken over by two crazy and violent bank robbing brothers as they try to escape into Mexico. Things go from bad to worse when the strip club you stop at ends up being a haven of the undead. You and some others will fight for your lives against vampire strippers and truckers. But hey, at least you got to drink Champagne out of Salma Hayek's shoe as it runs down her leg. What movie could I be talking about?




you will wish you had stayed home this weekend instead of going camping with a bunch of your sex crazed, pot smoking young friends. You stay at a friends family home near a camp with a bad history that used to be known as Camp Blood.Soon your friends starting dropping like flies when a crazy demonic killer who hates sex, drugs or anything immoral (except, you know, killing teenagers) starts chopping them up. The killer is even scarier than usual because he takes the hockey mask of one of your friends, I think his name is Shelly, and wears this for the first time. I hope your a girl, cuz if your a guy your chances of survival just got even smaller. What movie could your weekend resemble?




Your weekend starts out crazy this morning when, after an argument with your mom, the two of you seem to somehow switch bodies! Now you will learn that the other doesn't have it as easy as you thought they did as you try to live each others crazy day for them without fucking things up too bad. Whether you end up in a water skiing extravaganza, or merely rocking out with your girl group depends on if you more closely resemble Jodi Foster or Lindsey Lohan. Which version of what movie does your life parody?



things get wacky when you find yourself in possession of a magic remote control that you can use on the things in real life. you can fast forward, pause and make everybody speak in Spanish. I never saw the movie that your life resembles so I couldn't tell you much more about it.



This weekend you will start a crazy plan to eat nothing but the food you can find at McDonald's all month long! It will be worse for your health and your state of mind than you can imagine...plus your not gonna seem that original because this stunt was already made into a prominent documentary years ago. what was it called?



Your life as a hooker might finally be over when you meet a rich yet distant business man who hires you for the week. Remember to truly enjoy yourself when the bitches from a Rodeo Drive shop that were very mean to you get a taste of what they deserve when your rich john teaches them a lesson..and then takes you on a shopping spree of a lifetime. Who knows there may be love here yet. What movie did the writers of your life shamelessly copy?