ARIES
The week starts out innocent enough with you graciously volunteering to help the girl scout's sell their famous cookies. Good for you. Oh...silly me...I spoke to soon. Apparently by the end of the week you will be on the run with two girls who used to be model scouts and the police and FBI hot on your trail for embezzling, grand theft auto, arson and the extinction of the bald eagle. For shame Aries, for shame.
TAURUS
You are going to have a couple days off work, giving us plenty of time to catch the Little House on the Prarie Marathon on TBS. I predict they will show the one where Laura befriends the towns only black kid, teaching Walnut Groove about tolerance...and then you'll never see him again. I also see that happening with 1 Indian boy, a kid in a wheelchair and a mess of blind children.
CANCER
What is it you want? Cant you see I was reminiscing with someone about an old TV show. I'm not your trained monkey sent here to tell your future now. I'm no monkey at any rate. Just for that I'm not warning you at all about the whole Hillary Clinton/Monica Lewinsky sex scandal that you will be a big part of. I can just see Conan O'Brian making some fun of you now. haha.
VIRGO
I'm not going to make a single comment about you being a whore this week. I told you I was done doing that and so help me I wont make one single reference to the fact that I think you have a problem and need to go to a sex addicts anonymous meeting. For one thing I said I wouldn't and I don't go back on my word. If I say there will be no skanky slutty or whore references and that I won't kind of announce to the world that sex is to you like drugs and alcohol are to that druggie drunk Brittney Spears. I wouldn't say that in a million years. I wouldn't use the same SAT like practice question about Lindsey Lohan a minute later either...for example....cocaine cut with nestles quick is to Lindsay Lohan what sex and perversions are to you. Not gonna do it.
LIBRA
Why do you lie all the time? Why are you always making up stories? I've asked you this before,but for the life of me I can't figure out why your such a goddamn lier. There. I said it. Lying Libra. It's not a secret nickname anymore. Its what everybody calls you behind your back. Or they will now. I hope. Lier.
SCORPIO
A silly disagreement at last nights Oscar party got a little out of hand and suddenly bada bing. ...your once again digging a shallow grave in the hills at dawn when you would much rather be in your warm comfy bed. Plan on working with little sleep tonight Scorpio.
SAGITTARIUS
Dont answer your door under any circumstances this week Sag, it looks like the Mormans and the Jehovahs Witnesses have some kind of bet about which one will save your soul. LOL. They do like a challange.
CAPRICORN
Did you have some kind of disagreement with Scorpio last night? Hmmm...well if thats the case I have one less horoscope to worry about. You might have been right about Mr. Rogers never having wow an academy award...but don't you know well enough to just shut up and let the Scorpio be right. Thats what all of us that are still breathing have in common. But I hate to say I told you so. Especially since I told you so too late. oh well.
AQUARIUS
You got served Bitch! .....hmmm.....what was that? what did you get served with? Um...I really hadn't thought that far out. I just saw that movie title and I always thought it was funny and thought I could turn it into a horoscope and you wouldn't ask any questions. Yeah..uh hu..yes thats right. Thats how I basically come up with all of you people's horoscopes. whooh there! ok...OK.Step away buddy. "Calm the F down.Fine....I guess I'm the one getting served. Whatever the hell that means.
PISC
PISCES
No matter how close you think you and your mother are now...not enough time has passed to tell her what you really did that fateful night in 11th grade. Trust me...its never gonna be a time when shes just gonna laugh about it. I'm serious...besides there is no statute of limitations on crimes against nature. Not that. I Just pray every night that lobsters really can't feel pain and that people that work at Jack in the Box really aren't as good as us, like you said, and that they never knew what was happening. I just pray your right. Dear God, i can't get the images out of my head. My eyes wont ever scrub clean!! So you not telling your mom right?
The week starts out innocent enough with you graciously volunteering to help the girl scout's sell their famous cookies. Good for you. Oh...silly me...I spoke to soon. Apparently by the end of the week you will be on the run with two girls who used to be model scouts and the police and FBI hot on your trail for embezzling, grand theft auto, arson and the extinction of the bald eagle. For shame Aries, for shame.
TAURUS
Oh NO! You will literally ignite the seasons worst tragedy when your need to look cool by smoking starts a fire in the barn that ultimately leads to sweet blind Mary's babies end! Shame on you Taurus. Oh, wait, that was an episode of Little House on the Prairie...your not Albert. Janky signal.
You are going to have a couple days off work, giving us plenty of time to catch the Little House on the Prarie Marathon on TBS. I predict they will show the one where Laura befriends the towns only black kid, teaching Walnut Groove about tolerance...and then you'll never see him again. I also see that happening with 1 Indian boy, a kid in a wheelchair and a mess of blind children.
CANCER
What is it you want? Cant you see I was reminiscing with someone about an old TV show. I'm not your trained monkey sent here to tell your future now. I'm no monkey at any rate. Just for that I'm not warning you at all about the whole Hillary Clinton/Monica Lewinsky sex scandal that you will be a big part of. I can just see Conan O'Brian making some fun of you now. haha.
Obama in 'o8!
LEO
Your really loud. You really need to work on that. Every things not always about you. Plus you never share, when I always share whatever I have with you. And while we're on it, I hate that shirt you always wear. I mean...could you wear the same shirt more often? .....whats that? Your horoscope?No..thats wasn't your forecast...I just really needed to tell you all that. The stars just say something about your lucky KENO numbers.LEO
VIRGO
I'm not going to make a single comment about you being a whore this week. I told you I was done doing that and so help me I wont make one single reference to the fact that I think you have a problem and need to go to a sex addicts anonymous meeting. For one thing I said I wouldn't and I don't go back on my word. If I say there will be no skanky slutty or whore references and that I won't kind of announce to the world that sex is to you like drugs and alcohol are to that druggie drunk Brittney Spears. I wouldn't say that in a million years. I wouldn't use the same SAT like practice question about Lindsey Lohan a minute later either...for example....cocaine cut with nestles quick is to Lindsay Lohan what sex and perversions are to you. Not gonna do it.
LIBRA
Why do you lie all the time? Why are you always making up stories? I've asked you this before,but for the life of me I can't figure out why your such a goddamn lier. There. I said it. Lying Libra. It's not a secret nickname anymore. Its what everybody calls you behind your back. Or they will now. I hope. Lier.SCORPIO
A silly disagreement at last nights Oscar party got a little out of hand and suddenly bada bing. ...your once again digging a shallow grave in the hills at dawn when you would much rather be in your warm comfy bed. Plan on working with little sleep tonight Scorpio.SAGITTARIUS
Dont answer your door under any circumstances this week Sag, it looks like the Mormans and the Jehovahs Witnesses have some kind of bet about which one will save your soul. LOL. They do like a challange. CAPRICORN
Did you have some kind of disagreement with Scorpio last night? Hmmm...well if thats the case I have one less horoscope to worry about. You might have been right about Mr. Rogers never having wow an academy award...but don't you know well enough to just shut up and let the Scorpio be right. Thats what all of us that are still breathing have in common. But I hate to say I told you so. Especially since I told you so too late. oh well.AQUARIUS
You got served Bitch! .....hmmm.....what was that? what did you get served with? Um...I really hadn't thought that far out. I just saw that movie title and I always thought it was funny and thought I could turn it into a horoscope and you wouldn't ask any questions. Yeah..uh hu..yes thats right. Thats how I basically come up with all of you people's horoscopes. whooh there! ok...OK.Step away buddy. "Calm the F down.Fine....I guess I'm the one getting served. Whatever the hell that means.PISC
PISCES
No matter how close you think you and your mother are now...not enough time has passed to tell her what you really did that fateful night in 11th grade. Trust me...its never gonna be a time when shes just gonna laugh about it. I'm serious...besides there is no statute of limitations on crimes against nature. Not that. I Just pray every night that lobsters really can't feel pain and that people that work at Jack in the Box really aren't as good as us, like you said, and that they never knew what was happening. I just pray your right. Dear God, i can't get the images out of my head. My eyes wont ever scrub clean!! So you not telling your mom right?
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