Friday, February 9, 2007

BJ and Brother Dean

Now a bonus installment of BJ and Brother Dean's write in sex and relationship advice column. This first letter comes to us straight from a colleague of ours site called...Help me Harlan. Hmm. Thats a funny kind of name. It doesn't really conjure up images of wisdom and advicegivingfullness. Not like BJ.

Sex with Boyfriend Causes Problem
With Parents (um, that's no surprise)

Dear Harlan,

I just turned 18. My problems all started when my parents found

out that I had sex with my boyfriend. My parents took extreme

measures to keep me away from him. I graduated from high school

with honors and am going to attend college in the fall, but I have a

big issue facing me. I love my boyfriend deeply, and I would like to

continue being with him. But my parents said that if I do that, I

must move out of the house. Confused. I'll let Brother Dean take

first crack at this....


Free Image Hosting at ImageShack.us

Brother Dean- I have wonderful news for you Miss Confused.I

promise you that you and your boyfriend will be together for a long

time. Try like for all eternity in the deep bowels of HELL! Do you

think your fancy college and la di da honers are going to get you into

heaven when it turns out your majoring in Whore of Babylon 101.

Well do you Missy? God hates a loosey goosey more than just

about anything. Except the New Agers, he probably hates them a

little worse what with all their gay Mother Earth and meditation

crap. Come to think of it he really hates those gays too, especially

the trouble making ones that want to get married. I mean why can't

they just stay slutty singles and keep on their road to hell and not

bother the rest of us. Sorry, got off on a tangent...I tend to do that

when thinking about all the groups God doesn't care for. The point

is you might as well move out now and get used to the street Missy,

I have a feeling you will end up working there.


Image Hosted by ImageShack.usBJ- You know I don't like it when you start talking

about the gays like that Brother Dean...you know that I'm gay.


Brother Dean-You know I think there will be a special place in Hell

for you BJ.

BJ-Oh, thats kind of you to say. I like special places.

OK..now tothe letter. I would have to disagree with

your advice Brother D. If Miss Confused is interested

in a career in prostitution I think she might have

better luck on Craigslist or an escort angency. Those

street hookers get paid something like five dollars a

blow job and thats just not even gonna be enough to

keep her pimp from smacking the bitch up. I admire

your initiative Confused, but the streets no place for

an 18 year old girl when you could be selling

your ass online. And by the way...you named yourself

Confused?

Yeah thats an original. amateurs.


We stole...er ...received our second letter from some little advice column

called...Ask Hannah or something. Hannah...(snort) I guess if your comfortable

taking advice from someone with a name like Hannah. We think the writer of the

letter will agree that our advice is much more cool than Miss hot stuff Hannah

.
Dear Hana,

My Best friend lies and makes up stories like there's no tomorrow, I
mean she even once told me she was in a GAP commercial, (and
trust me she isn't model material), it doesn't matter how obvious
her lies are, you can't point them out to her cause then she'll accuse
you of being jealous. Playing along with her stories is driving me
nuts.......

— Bud blues
BJ- It's as obvious to me as it is to your friend that your just being

jealous don't be an hater bud blue(what="" kind="" of name is that jazz it up a little. Spice it up). I mean, its pretty petty of you to write abusy advice giver just to trash talk your friend. And what does that have to do with sex? Is anyone screening these letters?Do you have anything to add Brother Dean?

Brother Dean-No I think your pretty much covered it . Quit being a

bitch Buddy Blue.

Our last letter today comes from one originally sent to

lovingyou.com.


Why do guys make you feel like you should do sex even though
sometimes its a nice feeling talking about it even though you shouldn't if
you are a christian gal.


I sometimes get lonely because i am single and there aren't really that
many good guys left. What should i do?





Brother Dean- Whats a nice Christian gal doing writing to a place like this?

That is a trick question because you see, a nice Christian gal wouldn't be reading this blog, let
alone writing dirty Penthouse forum letters to it.

You see, if your talking about sex in a way that gives you a nice feeling then its as wrong
as someone that has actual sex in a position
other than the missionary position.What
your feeling is sin. And its all warm because
your opening a crack to hell.What do you mean
there are no good guys left?Theres Jesus. Isn't he a good guy?

You have the number one good guy in your
heart and all you can do is run all around
town with your filthy mouth talking about
sex, sex, sex.

Your worse than BJ. I'll pray for your
soul.

BJ- I don't answer questions from people who refer
to themselves as gals.


Thats it for our special edition of BJ and Brother
Deans Advice

Line...check us out at our regular day of Friday. Next
time we will discuss

baptisms and the King Kong Dong line of Dildo's.
Plus movie reviews for

"The lives of Saints" and "Cumhungery Buttholes."

1 comment:

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