Saturday, July 14, 2007

BJ and Brother Dean Sex Advice for 6/9/07

It's time once again for your favorite sex advice call in show starring a right wing religious zealot and a whorish gay airhead! It's the only place to go to receive practical advice on giving head and to be condemned to hell all at the same time! They are the original odd couple, its BJ and Brother Dean.....

Brother Dean- Good Afternoon Sinners, may God have mercy on your souls. unless of course your souls are dirty playgrounds of carnal desires and disgusting depravity, which I'm sure they are if your an audience member of our show. BJ appears to be late, fornicating in the broom closet no doubt, so I'm going to get started without him. While I have the time I would like to bring up my personal hero, James Dobson. He is the brave wise righteous man who is the head of my favorite group, Focus on the Family. He brought up the timely point that a society that practically worships rites such as hard core lesbian sex is headed for doom--

(BJ rushes in and grabs a mic)BJ- Whoa, sorry I'm late.

Brother Dean- Were you fornicating in a broom closet?

BJ-Well, yeah. But I still would have been here in time if someone hadn't locked me in.

Brother Dean- Probably just a little harmless horse play.

BJ-Except they started a fire that nearly asphyxiated us.

Brother Dean- Burn now or burn later...lets move on. I was talking about Focus on the Family and--

BJ-Yeah, right. If you want to talk about that shit get your own show. I have mine. It's an adults only hard core video blog where I do anything the viewer requests. My fans know where to find me.

Brother Dean- Yeah, in the smoldering pits of--

BJ- tsk tsk tsk. Remember, you have to put a dollar in the jar every time you say Hell.

Brother Dean- fine. Lets take a question. Since BJ took all our letter home for apparent masturbation material and didn't return them we are taking this one from

"I'm 12-years-old and really want to have sex. Every night before I go to bed I touch my breasts and my clitoris. But I'm dying to have sex. Please help. What can I do?"

Brother Dean- First of all, and I'll try not to judge, I think everyone would agree that your getting a great start on being a dirty little whore. I mean...really. Am I wrong? You need to know that girls aren't supposed to want to have sex. Ever. Sex to a girl is a wifely duty that you must preform but never enjoy. Enjoying sex is for girls like Madonna or Hillary Clinton and other girls who dream of one day being a bride of Satan. Do you want to shame your family and experience eternal damnation in the bowels of Hell?

BJ-Ahhh! You said Hell. Dollar in the jar. turn. Personally I was also very sexual at that age, which is normal. But I just couldn't get over the part about you touching your breasts and clitoris. I wasn't touching any clitoris at that age and I'm still not. You need to go out and let other people touch your breasts and clitoris and you can get to work touching cock, which is really what you want anyway right?

Brother Dean- My Goodness, she's only 12!

BJ- I'm not saying she should do it now! Wait a few years, and in the meantime you can play Dr. with the neighbor kids. Thats what I did. I was known as Dr. BJ all up and down the street until I was in my early teens. I still see some of my old patients. Speaking of Doctor's, I have an exam with a really hot med student in the alley behind the station. I need to run. Until next time...have a freaky weekend.

Brother Dean- And I'll see you in church on Sunday? right? Oh

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