5:47 PM - your sexual horoscope for the week of may 17,2007
Aries- I see big things in your future Aries, but only if you want to spend 39.99 on those awesome new penile enlargements that keep popping up in your email inbox. And tell them who sent you, 'cuz I supposedly get a cut. But don't you worry yourself about that, just remember Big Thing(s) Aries, Big! And for you girley rams, I hear...er I ugh "see" they work in the bust type area as well.
Taurus- sex and work do not mix Taurus. Well,unless of course you happen to be an escort. Otherwise it's a big no no! I guess they also do kinda mix if you happen to be a high-tech hooker as seen on Craigslist. Oh don't forget the sex therapists. Or the sex educators. Well if we're making a list theres also porn stars, anyone in advertising,strippers, and most workers at massage parlors. Sex if probably some kind of job perk if your a drug dealer. Sex is all in a days work if your a reviewer of porn movies, work in a sex shop, are a sex researcher, are a....ok forget what I said about sex and work not mixing.
Gemini- The details are a little fuzzy Gemini, but I see you jumping half naked out of a big cake this week. Either your moonlighting as a stripper at some sexy parties, or your really trying to scare a loved one into staying on that no sweets diet.
Cancer- You and I have a few things to clear up. What do you think I could be talking about? No, it's not because you forgot to tell me how good I looked the other night, but now that you mention it I did look pretty good. Give up? You forgot to leave me a little "gift" on the bed stand after my last visit in which you yourself say I looked particularly good. Tskk tskk. Some people have businesses to run Cancer, and I'm sure you don't want ..some people to have to go to...some other people like your wife for the balance, now do you?
Leo-The good news is your parents will finally sit you down for that long delayed chat about the birds and the bees this week. The bad news is it's about 2 decades too late and the last few questions you still have about the subject are not one's you want answered by them.
Virgo- Good news Virgo, only one more punch on your card and you get a free hour with one of the Lusty Ladies and/or Gentlemen of the Magic Massage Parlor of your choice. Don't forget about our 2 for Tuesday specials.
Libra- I see a few drinks over at the home of an old friend who has a taste for body shaving. As in shaving your body. Anyway, thats not the unusual part. I'm also seeing you getting your picture taken while "handcuffed" to a towel rack wearing some cutesy trick handcuffs you happened to take from your partners closet. I guess thats not so strange for you either, but the real cute part is the look on your face when you discover those handcuffs aren't so tricky and your friend needs to call the locksmith before his kids get home for college around noon and your handcuffed to the towel rack completely shaved and naked except for the Robin (as in Batman) mask and cape. Let me tell you something..about the same thing happened to me once in a little cottage in Lake Oswego....
Scorpio- Nothing new to report this week scorpio. You will have your usual hot and wild sex on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday. What about Monday? Looks like you'll be plotting some kind of revenge..oh and then move on to some hot and wild sex. You Crazy Scorpio's!That didn't just piss you off did it? Cuz I really hate it when I accidentally piss you off. Especially since we have this whole week of sex planned.
Sagittarius-Do you remember what happened this last spring break Sag? I didn't think so. Fortunately you will just have to ask any of the guys that purchased this last edition of Girls Gone Really Damn Wild. I have a feeling they can fill you in on the details.
Capricorn- You will become involved in a hot, juicy political sex scandal that will make Monica Lewinsky look like June Cleaver. Unfortunately it will also involve the not so lovely Dick Chaney. On the bright side you could be taking down a whole evil like organization and appear on Oprah. But is it worth it?
Aquarius- Your sign is the water bearer Aquarius and it's a fact that you swim like a graceful little frog. You excel at water polo, Marco polo and the game where someone pretends to be Jaws swimming around the pool while everybody else tries to not get knocked off their inflatable recliners. So you are thrilled when you see a personal ad online seeking watersport enthusiasts and quickly respond. Let me know what you think afterwards water bearer.