Thursday, July 12, 2007

ABC's of Janky Sex E-G

2:22 PM - ABC's of Jankey Sex part 2: E-G. (SBT)
Current mood: irritated

Here are a few more letters from the ABC's of Jankey Sex.

E is for electricity. I don't know how anybody could get off on electric stimulation. I hate electricity. It scares the hell out of me. I get shocked by static electricity every time i use a key or open a dryer. If you trick me with those stupid electric shock gag toys I will seriously knock you down and bite off part of your ear. They used to have this electricity sex toy demo set up at Fantasy Video where you put your fingers on this sponge to get them wet and then something would send electric jolts through you. I was with someone who thought it would be funny to act like it was turned down low, but when I tried it they turned it up as high as it would go. God damn! That was not erotic. It is one of the fetish activities on my NEVER EVER list. And there are very few things on that list. All you people who get off on electric stimulation...What the fuck? You sick sorry bastards.

F is for the Fire Down Below: I went on a date with this really hot guy when I was about 23 that I will never forget. He had a diminished sense of taste, or something to that effect. For dinner he ate an extremely hot pepper with his salad in order to be able to taste it at all. This was like a crazy hot liquid fire pepper.
Cut to an hour later and we are in his bed (on his houseboat) and we are getting hot and heavy. Soon his mouth ventures around south to my ass. Suddenly I feel this intense heat flame up down there and I have no idea what just happened. I jump up and run to the bathroom thinking that I don't know what's going on, but I don't want him rimming me while a volcanic eruption is destined to occur. My butt is still smoldering when I realize it was those hot peppers on his tongue that started this fire! Meanwhile he is turning into an impatient dick trying to coax me back to bed, and doesn't let up when I tell him whats going down. The mood was lost.The incinerator down below kept burning long after my lust for him had died down.

G is for Grandpa's house: Did I ever learn my lesson from the Disneyland Porn Fiasco? After hearing this next story you won't think so. When I was 20, I was living in the upstairs part of my Grandpa's house. One morning after coming home from my graveyard shift at the nursing home I had the house to myself. My Grandpa was a logger and was usually gone until at least one in the afternoon. I had recently purchased a butt load of porn tapes and magazines and was anxious to look them over. After an early "4:20" I sat back in my Grandpa's recliner and put in a tape. It was hot...the magazines full of naked men layed out on my lap were was all hot. This was one of my first viewings of gay porn and that was pretty exciting. I was also very tired and before you could say"Hot Nasty Gay Porn" I was asleep. When I opened my eyes again I was still in my Grandpa's chair and the porno mags were still in my lap. The tape had stopped, but I don't know when. The bong was still at my side, but sitting one little end table to my right so was my Grandpa! Oh Fuck! I didn't know how long he had been there, or if the tape had still been playing when he showed up. He had bad eye sight, but was it so bad he couldn't see the naked hardcore gay sex staring up at him from the magazine in my lap? I didn't know what to do. I jumped up, grabbed the bong and the magazines, ejected the tape from the VCR and ran upstairs. I think I avoided him for a few weeks as well. He never mentioned the incident to me, but I find it hard to believe I got off so lucky that he was deaf, dumb and blind through the whole incident.

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