Thursday, July 12, 2007

Am I an Exhibitionist?

I was filling out yet anothersex survey and I got to the typical question asking if I was an exhibitionist. I usually automatically click yes to that question and most others that fit into my self perception as a kinky guy, but I began to wonder how true that was. I'm not actually part of any currently running off off Broadway sex shows and theres a perfectly good street right in the front of the house that I've never been naked in. So I decided to make a list of the things that make qualify me as a true exhibitionist and the things that don't.

Argument for me being a showey perv.

Fact #1- My very first actual memory involves me and a neighbor boy playing naked games in my grandparents garage. I was probably 5 and he was a year younger. His backyard and my grandparents faced each other and he used to bark and howl at our family when we were out there. That earned him the appropriate nick name Barking Billy. So I don't remember how it started or how Barking Billy managed to get over the fence, as this is the only time I can remember ever playing with him, but I distinctly remember us getting naked in the garage where we would take turns spanking each other then kissing each others butts to make it better. Even I admit thats just plain weird. The weirdest part is that I remember worrying that someone could come in and catch us anytime and that didn't stop me. It served to make the experience more exciting. I wont say it turned me on, because I don't know if you can be turned on at that age, but I think I liked the feeling . We never got caught by the way. I never got caught doing anything.

Fact #2- Many of my childhood sex games stack up the evidence against me. In the third grade me and a girl I grew up with played our version of Doctor(without the pretense of either one of us being a doctor)in very daring places. The first time we messed around she had called me to come over...when I showed up she was naked and wanted to try some thing with me. We basically humped our bodies together on a bed of stuffed animals until we heard her parents van pull up and quickly got dressed. We also showed each other our privates in the bushes behind the middle school and on top of a platform for the big slide at Wortman Park. That same year Derrick and I would get naked in his garage and go to "Sex School" most days after school(the smell of sawdust still reminds me of sex). We also played "Dr. Ruth" once in my bedroom while my step dad was right outside the window fixing the car. And I just remembered me, Graham and his little brother getting naked and pretending to take pictures of each other in the van parked in front of our houses in a game we liked to call "Playboy". I would just like to say for the record that while I had a pretty promiscuous childhood and it seems like I played these weird little games with all the kids in the neighborhood, I did not in fact start it with any of them (except maybe Barking Billy...I can't remember). They all initiated these games , at least the first time. Now maybe I had "Future Slut" written in my forehead or dressed like I wanted it...I don't know. And as risky as all that was, I never got caught.

Fact #3-In middle school I jerked off in a field next to a major road on the way to school. Also in the bathroom at school during reherarsal for a play I was in. I also masturbated in our backyard where any neighbor could see me over the fence about that same time. Oh yeah, in the 8th grade me and Danny gave each other oral sex in the prop room at the Gallery Theater when we weren't needed on stage once.

Fact #4- After the long dry spell that was high school I threw myself back into the sex game with my "best friend"/ first "boyfriend"/major obsession Christian. It started in the backseat of his car at a park and we almost got caught so we took off and went somewhere else. I'm gonna put that in the evidence that I may not be an exhibitionist. But when I moved to Texas with him we did it in a lake with camp ground full of possible onlookers. OK..number 4 is a draw.

Fact #5- Something that really got me excited when I was 18 and living in Austin was giving head to a guy while he was driving. I thought that was just so hot. It was also fairly common for me to start giving oral sex to someone when they were on the phone.

Fact #6. Between the ages of 19-21 in which I was partying and playing almost constantly I had who knows how many encounters with an audience. Sometimes it was at a nasty shop (adult video stores for those who don't speak JB slang), sex club or in one case a nude beach in San Fransisco (I didn't have sex, just posed for pictures for a hot guy I met there who turned out to be a hot biker in public and a lingerie wearing cross dresser when he got you home). I was pretty much under the influence of something or other during all those encounters.

Fact #7-

I did my share of dancing on platforms or in cages, drunk out at the bar during college(OK college for me was when I was about 24-29 so I was a little older than the typical experience but high school was a long pause in my sexual/social development so some things are a little different on my time line). I Also messed around in the gym in my building on an exercise machine in the middle of the night my last year of college.

#8- When the weather gets warmer and the sun is shining my fantasies invariably turn to having sex outside, being naked outside, taking pictures naked outside in semi public places, and going to nude beaches. That doesn't mean I have done a lot of those things, but it really turns me on. I know that if i was with someone else that wanted to our enthusiasm would probably make it happen, especially given any opportunity.

#9- A regular sex partner I hung out with last summer, Tim, had an awesome downtown loft on like the 5th floor and I loved to stand naked at the big windows or mess around with him there. The cool thing was that there was a big freeway overpass close enough so that any driver who happened to look to his left would have been able to get a pretty clear , yet quick look before passing. Once a car that did observe something slowed way down during the morning commute and I literally stopped traffic for a few seconds.

#10- I need to wrap up this list at 10....let me add any other damning evidence now or forever hold my peace. Anything else? hmm...I have adult pictures that aren't that hard to find online at a couple gay sites. I've let myself be filmed amateur porn style at least two times that I can remember. (FYI- at least when I did it, the actual viewing of the recording was not as hot as I hoped. Without a makeup crew, decent lighting and a camera man a porn star I was not. I was heard saying things like "Thats what face I make when I do that? Is that how I sound talking dirty? Why do people have sex with me?) I've done "shows" on a web cam before with a wide audience of strangers. there anything on the "Reasons I may not be a Pervert Flasher" argument?

Well for one thing I've never flashed anybody really. Maybe I've been pants less in the passenger seat with a sex partner, and I guess truck drivers could have seen, but I don't recall any. At any rate I've never go out wearing just a trench coat and freaking out strangers.
I'm often too scared to do stuff in public for fear of getting caught. Me and the boyfriend messed around for less than a minute at a Fred Myers bathroom once, but I became too scared to continue. There was no excitement thinking about getting caught mixed in there.

I think I have a good idea of what the verdict is going to be, but let me look up a definition of exhibitionist and be sure.

From an online medical dictionary--exhibitionist /ex·hi·bi·tion·ist/ (ek?si-bish´in-ist) a person who indulges in exhibitionism
OK, that didn't help.

From the American Heritage Dictionary-
1. The act or practice of deliberately behaving so as to attract attention. I didn't mean that kind.
2. Psychiatry A psychosexual disorder marked by the compulsive exposure of the genitals in public. OK, its not a true fetish that effects my life, is constantly on my mind or responsible for me having to register as a sex offender.A similar definition can be found in the thesaurus. exhibitionism - the perverse act of exposing and attracting attention to your own genitals. It might still be perverse, but I've only exposed myself to people who wanted to see it...and I don't mean like when a rapist says "She wanted it". I mean like they indisputably wanted it because more often than not they asked me to do it.

Conclusion- OK, I'm not a DSM defined mentally ill exhibitionist, but somehow I don't think thats what is meant on the sex survey i was filling out. Also going against the true meaning of the word fetish, its not an crucial element that I need during sex in order to get off. I have a very healthy fear of getting caught in public or in certain places that prevent me from acting on my desires. But I do enjoy being a little naughty outside, or in semi public places where there may be a chance of being observed, but the chances of a person of authority making me regret my actions is relatively small. But looking at my list gives me the feeling that I should just check the box yes on my next survey. And in a way, as bloggers, aren't we all kind of exhibitionists?

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