Saturday, July 14, 2007

32 pearls of wisdom for each ring around my trunk

In honer of reaching the ripe old age of 32 I decided to jot down something I have learned or that I just believe to be true for each year. Here goes.

1.Boring people are always bored.

2.It's ok to travel alone. Really it is. When I went to Amsterdam nobody I knew could drop everything and go with me so I went by myself. It was a little scary, but I had a great time and felt stronger for doing it.

3.Other people's acid and or schoom trip stories can be so boring to listen to. It usually sounds like a bunch of exaggerated crap being entered into a psychedelic pissing contest. Except mine. Mine are good.

4.Never fall asleep watching porn somewhere where you shouldn't be watching porn. see my ABC's of Jankey sex series
d and g

5.If you don't give awesome customer service you shouldn't work in customer service.

6.If you find yourself desperately trying to hold onto a relationship to make it work you probably need to let go because its not working or it's one sided. Don't be the crazy half of a fatal attraction.

7.Get rid of the toxic, needy, overly critical people in your life. If they don't make you feel good and never give back it's too much work.

8.The side effects of working in customer service can include a growing dislike for people, a refusal to smile or be polite outside of work and automatically thanking someone or apologizing for something inappropriately.

9.If you have a friend with whom you are constantly laughing with whenever you get together, you need to hang out with this person more often. Friends that may cause hysterical laughter are very good friends to have.

10.Question your beliefs. If you have the same religious and political beliefs as your parents you should wonder to yourself if you really believe them or if your doing what you were taught.

11.You can laugh about almost anything.

12.A compliment is a compliment. Don't be a rude bitch about it just because the person who offered you a drink was old or the guy who said you looked nice is "below your standards." Someday the old guys aren't gonna want to buy you drinks anymore and the person you are trying to flirt with is going to laugh in your face. Say thank you.

13.Don't lie about basic facts about yourself online. Don't make yourself 50 lbs smaller or 20 years younger. If there's something about you that stands out then let the other person know. People lie about everything from their looks to their race and it's so dumb. It's better to have a small rejection online than a much more uncomfortable one on somebody's doorstep.

14.You can learn a lot about someone by checking out their bookshelves, movie and music collection.

15. In most cases, use a god damned condom. This is especially something for the girl (in straight sex) or the bottom (in gay sex) to insist on. The person who gets fucked....gets Fucked!

16.Reading makes your smarter.

17.Don't drunk dial.

18.When you rent a movie, as the store employee's advice. If a movie is universally hated they hear about it first. Likewise for really good movies they usually can give a heads up. If you like their advice ask again. If not...ask someone else.

19.Don't wear sweatpants out of the house. Thats what you wear on laundry day or when your depressed.

20.When you are being treated completely unfairly or when you do something totally funny and nobody is there to witness it, just imagine your own private audience. Think of yourself as a Ferris Bueller type. At least the audience knows you were right. It's good to know you had the audience rolling with laughter.

21.negative whiny dramatic people = yuck.

22.the Dollar Tree is fucking awesome. You can get so many cool things there. It is a crafty persons dream. I wish I had it when I was 18 and moving into my first apartment or when I was a kid my Mom could never claim she was too broke to get me something.

23.Know your audience. If your talking to a college educated person go ahead and talk about a
dichotomy or the validety of theoretical vs. empirical evidence. If on the other hand the person you are having the discussion with probably doesn't know those words then don't use them. I'm not saying talk down to people, but if you use 10 dollar words when a 25 cent word works even better it makes you look like a pretentious ass. Also if your losing someones attention it's time to wrap it up. It's always a winning idea to know your audience.

24.Wash your hands after going to the bathroom and before handling food. You don't want your dinner guests wigging out over hygiene issues.

25.Relax. Don't be someone that gets offended so easily. It bugs me when someone is easily offended, especially if it is in my name. A few years ago the gay rights watchdog group GLAD got all bent out of shape because the lesbian character of Bianca on All My Children was raped. Why do that to the lesbian character they cried. For crying out loud, I thought, relax. At least they have a lesbian character. And that rape story put her on the front burner for most of the next year. Was she supposed to be the boring best friend who just listens to the other characters that have real stories? Relax. Everybody

26. Treat your customer service person with respect and they might be able to help you out with something. If you get angry and blow up in outrage I guarantee they will neither go above or beyond for you.

27.Don't attempt to drive cross country with a dog, a cat , a snake, a fish, your former lover and his bitchy teen wife from Texas to Oregon during hurricane season. It doesn't end well.

28.LISTEN!! Don't just wait your turn to talk. Its obvious and annoying. Especially if your swapping acid trip stories.

29.Learn some street smarts. Pick up on the clues when someone is trying to pull one over on you. Listen for tell tale signs of liars and thieves. Don't get pushed into something you don't feel right about.If your too naive and trusting you make an easy mark.

30.If it is obvious that your feelings for someone are one sided don't embarrass them or yourself with proclamations of love or a public serenade. Its just sad.

31.Plan your own funeral and related business. It makes things easier for your loved ones and guarantees you will go out on your own note and not someone else's. I know I'm the only one I trust to pick the songs for my big goodbye.

32.Don't talk shit about other peoples family members, partners, favorite shows, cooking, etc. They tend to take those things personally.

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