Your horiscope for the week of January 6th
Aries- If your taking a flight this week double check with the airline that there are no snakes on the plane. If there are it will end badly
Taurus- You will discover the true meaning of Christmas, unfortunatly its like a month too late and by now your friends and family all hate you.
Gemini®- I see lots and lots of kinky sex. LOTs.
Cancer- Personalized License plates are a bad idea cancer. What if you are accidentally involved in a hit and run or a bank robbery? Its a lot easier for a bystander to remember HOTASS than a series of random letters.
Leo- This week you'll discover the true meaning of Flag Day. It will change your life forever.Virgo-If you don't get off my ass about keeping my room clean I'm going to cut you Virgo.
Libra-Mom always says "Dont play ball in the house". Unless you want to break her favorite vase you would be wise to heed that advice.Scorpio-Sex and Violence. Sex and Violence. Thats all i ever see for you Scorpio. Your like a broken record. Well a broken record thats constantly having intense sex and plotting horrible vengeance.
Sagittarius- You should probably try staying at least 500 feet away from me this week Sag, or I'm gonna have to enforce that restraining order again.
Capricorn-This week you'll start a fast track to heroin addiction when you discover all the cool kids are doing it.