Monday, January 15, 2007

Your weekly slap in the face from the stars--week of January 15th

Aries- You male Aries will have to think fast when your girlfriend catches you in her new Victoria's Secret underwear this week.
Taurus-Your mom reads your myspace profile, and she doesn't
like what she sees

Gemini- Evil Twin alert. Your evil personality comes out this week and puts into effect a plot so dastardly that soap opera's will copy it for their evil twin stories.

Cancer-Your habbit of being rude to cashiers comes back to haunt you when the newly formed Customer Service Terrorist Squad chooses you as their first target.I would steer clear of the Wendys drivethrough if I was you.

Virgo- Virgin my ass. who came up with that shit? I mean really...the whore on 82nd and Powell is a more fitting symbol for you

Libra- Dont wear red or blue out today or you'll be mistaken for a gang member and forced to Bring it On in a 1980's style breakdance rumble.

Scorpio- Your fiancee has a secret that can best be told with the intamacy that only a trashy daytime talk show can provide. Wouldn't you rather find out that your best friend could also be your babies daddy with Ricky Lake there to comfort you? Plus theres the free paternity test. Bonus!

Sagitarius-Don't ever date a Sag, they're basically crazy. Uh..that was more for everybody else's benifit ..I got nothin' for you this week Saggie. Just like you had nothing for me the whole time we were dating , and while we're on the subject [this part edited due to time constraints] crazy bastard.

Capricorn- I know what you did last summer
goat man, oh I know.

Aquarius-Love is in the air. Unfortunatly so are cold germs. Which one do you think you'll catch this week?

Pices- You will discover the cure for dyslexia this week Pices. Either that or you will discover your third grade teacher has a new career in foot fetish porn. Its all pretty fuzzy. Let me know which one it is, kay?

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