Taurus-Your mom reads your myspace profile, and she doesn't
like what she sees
Gemini™- Evil Twin alert. Your evil personality comes out this week and puts into effect a plot so dastardly that soap opera's will copy it for their evil twin stories.
Cancer-Your habbit of being rude to cashiers comes back to haunt you when the newly formed Customer Service Terrorist Squad chooses you as their first target.I would steer clear of the Wendys drivethrough if I was you.Virgo- Virgin my ass. who came up with that shit? I mean really...the whore on 82nd and Powell is a more fitting symbol for you guys.Virgin...lol.
Libra- Dont wear red or blue out today or you'll be mistaken for a gang member and forced to Bring it On in a 1980's style breakdance rumble.Scorpio- Your fiancee has a secret that can best be told with the intamacy that only a trashy daytime talk show can provide. Wouldn't you rather find out that your best friend could also be your babies daddy with Ricky Lake there to comfort you? Plus theres the free paternity test. Bonus!
Sagitarius-Don't ever date a Sag, they're basically crazy. Uh..that was more for everybody else's benifit ..I got nothin' for you this week Saggie. Just like you had nothing for me the whole time we were dating , and while we're on the subject [this part edited due to time constraints]...you crazy bastard.
Capricorn- I know what you did last summer
goat man, oh I know.