Monday, January 22, 2007

Sex Euphemisms

A big hello and shout out to anybody out there reading this. You must either be unemployed or a shut in. I like to think of you as a hugely overweight person trapped in your tiny little trailer waiting for someone to come along with those Jaws Of Life to liberate you, but in the meantime you figure you might as well do a little light reading. And you choose me. That means so much, what with all the other great choices you've been making. Like becoming a unemployed shut-in. OK.

So I named this little 'ol blog "OH My Stars" and then added the sexy in parenthesis to it so I guess that means it should deal with the good ol sport of S-E-X as well as provide the community with my mystical and sensitive horoscopes. And then i was thinking "what the hell, (when i was thinking it my mind said what the hell like you would imagine John Wayne saying it before deciding to kill a few Indians after smoking a lot of Marlboro's) was I talking about again? that whole long bit with the parenthesis threw me. OH i says to myself ...I says.,.."What the Hell, lets entertain the possibility of throwing in some little nuggets from the worlds of music, TV and the movies...which I like to call Pop Culture. If there's one t thing I'm good at its filling every square inch of my head with useless trivia about such things, the stars...and the aforementioned Pop Culture. So I guess its not that useless after all. Not if your writing a blog that i like to imagine is a kind of a zine for a bunch of lazy fat cats living off their unemployment. (I was talking about you! yes I was. I guess I imagine my faceless readers as being that really obese mom from "Whats Eating Gilbert Grape" and I'm killing the last few hours you have before your children resort to setting you and your house on fire to avoid everybody laughing at your big dead body. Except that character had a house to burn and your stuck in a little bitty trailer.But its close enough that your gonna be Big Mama Grape to me sugar.!

Its Tuesday and that means its time for some Sexual sexiness here at the blog. No, I'm not doing a live web cam sex show you big perv. I put those on for my paying customers. I was thinking of a wholesome lesson in Sex Words, like the kind your grandmother used to scream at the nurses at that nursing home y'all dumped her at. (To be honest I would have put her in a home too. There's nothing worse than a old lady who screams the word Pussy at you whenever you walk by.)That was a beautiful segue to tonight's topic. Slang words for your naughty bits. We can start with Pussy since your Grandma sure could stand to know a few synonyms for that word. You don't want to discover you have been overusing the word pussy when there are so many other good words for that particularly naughty bit. Here goes: On second thought , my stomach feels kind of funny and I don't want to make it worse with that particular subject. Lets do something fun like words for masturbation instead. I will say i like the word Muffin to describe the girly junk. its cute.

MASTURBATION - 5-Digit disco, a date with rosie palmer and her five slutty daughters, being a virtuoso of the skin flute, beating the snot 'otta Rottney, churning your butter, clubbing the baby seal, collecting a specimen, coming to grips with yourself, Devils handshake, s, Freeing the hostages, freeing Willy, getting jizzy with it, giving yourself a dishonorable discharge, deploying the troupes, tossing the midget, punch the munchkin, self-test, batting one off, or beating your beef. It could be that your either choking the chicken or the bishop or even cranking the cardinal. Instead of announcing to the world that your going to play with yourself you could have the class to refer to the act as killing a kitten or taking your monkey for a walk. According to the good folks at you can even refer to it as killing Tony Danza, strangling Pete or stroking Gandolphs beard. In fact there's more ways to not say that your masturbating as there are blind teenagers who got that way by doing it too much. Yes, teenage blindness is on the rise due to constant chicken choking and midget tossing. I'll leave you to think about that . Hell your on the Internet as you sit reading this, I'd be surprised if you weren't "taking Picard up to Warp Speed" or spilling Satan's eggnog a bit yourself. And by spilling Satan's eggnog i was implying that you were masturbating. ..ok...just wanted to make sure you got it. OK . good night kids. And if your palms are getting hairy you know you've been making a few too many deposits in the wank bank.

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