Aries-The Universe totally called you a slut! And you know a slut is just a whore that does it for free. Maybe you should at least think about bumming a cigarettes or getting bus fare as your getting kicked out of the next strange bed you wake up in. I once got $200 just to tell a guy how worthless he was and make him do my dishes. You could at least get enough for a super value meal at Wendy's for all the dirty, dirty things you do.
Taurus-Word on the street is that you are on the prowl for a rich old man to treat
Gemini- you will get totally frustrated trying to transfer your blog on myspace to you new one on blogger and will end up doing it without the graphics and will come that close to saying fuck it..I'm staying with myspace if I have to retype this part one more time!
CancerFor fucks sake cancer, the sensitive man has been out since the 70's, and I'm pretty sure that was just an act to get as many groovy mama's into the water bed as possible. Do you have to be such a waa titty waa baby? I shouldn't have spiked the punch at your Dads 10 year sobriety AA thingy.In hindsight setting him up with that slutty Aries in his drunken state could have even contributed to your Mom leaving him and moving in with you. I said I was sorry.Jeez. Oh, and tell your lush of a dad I'll buy the drinks if he gets the hookers tonight. thanks.
Leo-I totally forgot to write anything for you last week Leo. Not one word. anyway...did you see what i wrote for Cancer just now? That's got to be the worst piece of astrology I have ever put out there. Jeez.
Virgo-Word on the street is you're tight like a Virgin but whoreish like an Aries. call me.
Libra-The stars tell me you either have a teeny tiny penis...or a monster of a clitoris. I wish it wouldn't tell me shit like that.
Scorpio-I know your the one responsible for the big pot of boiling pet rabbit on my stove yesterday Scorpio. I get it...your vengeful. But how cliche can you get. I've seen Fatal Attraction too. Besides I'm the one who should be getting all Glen Close crazy. I'm the one sleeping with your husband...so if its anything like the movie I should be boiling your pets, not the other way around. Seriously.
Sagittarius- On your way to work you'll hear an old New Kids on the Block Song and totally get into it..moving, and shaking singing "Hanging Tough..!" instantly losing the respect of your wife and kids . Yeah I said wife , not spouse. That's because if your a straight woman without a wife this horoscope isn't for you. Nosy.
OK, I'll level with you. I'm not exactly 100% sober right now and I'm not prepared to write a decent horoscope. Or spell. I just wanted to play around with these cool sun sign graphics i found.(That are not transferring over to blogger without tons of freakin myspace graphics coming with it. So now I just have to go without them. Whats that? You insist on a reading? OK miss Uppity Fancy Pants. Fine.
Capricorn...I never can tell you apart from the other signs so read the Aries paragraph dealing with your cheap and easy nature.
Aquarius, beware of ACME safes falling from the sky this Tuesday.
Pisces: If you want to cash in on that lucrative pregnancy fetish video soft core porn market you've been hearing so much about you best get on it.
OK....I promise to put ever so much thought into next weeks collum and give everybody a much happier forecast...except for you Aries. I've got other plans for you.