Friday, March 2, 2007

post post post oscar coverage

Channel 214 Oscar show...very late oscar show
Current mood: cold

Channel 214

Live Oscar Coverage

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen…well this is kind of embarrassing. We had originally intended to report to you live on the 70th annual Academy Awards. And of course we promoted this all month long with the hopes that this would be just the event to drag Channel 214's ratings out of second to last place right behind those bastards over at the Mime Channel. Bastard fucking mimes. Don't get me started on those jankie no good think they are too cool for school mimes! I'm sorry but it just rattles my feathers when I have to pass them coming into the studio and they do that damn trapped in a box thing! I fell for it once and I actually tried to help that damn insufferable little bitch out of the box. I couldn't see it, but he really made me believe he was trapped in a box and losing air. I tried to help, even though I was fearful for my own safety. I didn't know if there was some magical sci fi force field that could suck me right into that box with him, yet I put my own safety aside and grabbed a brick and tried to bust him out. Well never trust a mime. He wasn't in any box at all. And then after all I did for that mother f@#king little panty waste his family tries to sue me for him being in a coma. I was just trying to save his life and bust him out of that death box. The whole business with him suffering head injuries due to a brick in the head wouldn't have happened had he really been in a magical box, which I thought he was. Besides it's not like he is that much different now. He talks as much as he ever did, and at least now he isn't suffering inside of that box. It just proves that you can't help people because they will sue your ass if it does go perfectly great. I'm sorry, but I just hate those mimes.
Anyway, about the Oscars. We had big plans for those. For starters we had Courtney Love all set up to do the red carpet. We thought if anyone could out bitch Joan Rivers and her hoity totey little daughter Melissa it would be Ms. Love. It would have worked out had she not gone partying with those damn dirty mimes the night before. I'm sorry but that was a setup. Those mimes aren't friends with her. But suddenly the night before the Oscars they score some of the best black tar heroin you can get outside of Afghanistan! And believe me folks I know Afghani black tar heroin. Not because of those mimes ever sharing with me. You can trust that those damn dirty bitches never showed up at my house sharing their stash. Anyway…they made sure we wouldn't have Courtney Love. And who just parties with a bunch of mimes that they don't even know who just show up at the door all in black with white makeup and a bag of drugs? That's just not right.

Well I myself thought the Oscars started later so I missed most of the first half. When I did turn on the TV I thought I was watching the Olypics or something. Germany was winning for some film and they said this was Germany's second win or something. I didn't know that we were all competing for our countries; cuz if we are it wasn't America's night to shine. Who decided to let all these foreigners compete is beyond me. Did you know that in the best actress category there was only one American? That poor national treasure Meryl Streep was all alone competing against the damn British and some other foreigners.

I feel sorry for the guys that win in groups and have to go up with like 5 other guys. Well the guy who gets there first gets to thank everyone. By the time it's the third guys turn they already have the music all going to get em off the stage.

And speaking of the music. I was thinking that instead of just playing the music they need to invest in some tazors or some trained attack dogs. Now I'm not suggesting we really hurt people who talk to long…just let em see the dogs just off stage foaming at the mouth to get a bite of them. Fear is all you need ladies and gentle men. If that doesn't work a nice dose of electricity will.

I didn't see any of the winning movies, as I don't care for foreigners and I don't go out to the movies to read…am I right? But I was glad to see that my favorite movie "Snakes on a Plane" was finally recognized by some sort of shadow puppet academy. But taking a closer look, I think those shadow puppet people were actually some of those godforsaken mimes! Had those hell bound demons infiltrated the Oscars? I don't know what happened after that because I went into a blind rage induced blackout that was undoubtedly fueled by all the gin and black tar heroin because next thing I know I'm sitting here in front of these camera's and its like 3 days later and there's blood on my cloths as you can obviously see. Oh and there's was a stripper locked in the trunk of my car begging to be let out. For the life of me I don't know what the heck I got up to…but I blame the mimes for it. Oh yes…I blame the mimes. Well. Its been a pleasure. I am Joe Doe…er…I mean John Smith? Is that the name I go by now? I don't know, its been a long week. Anyway…if I'm not forced to go on the run when I let that stripper out of the trunk I will see you soon. Or if I am on the run, you might be seeing me even sooner as I will need a place to hideout. Maybe I should give it some time before I let her out. We will see. Good night

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