your weekly slap on the ass from the stars

your weekly -ish slap on the ass from the stars

Jupiter conjoins with Mars this week, Aries, leaving you with a nasty case of the crabs. NO, not the cute little sand crabs they sell at the Mall. I'm talking about the ones that live in your pubic hair and lay eggs. gross. Nobody have sex with any Aries for this week if you don't want little bugs sucking the blood out of your sexual regions. Which reminds me of a cute little anecdote. A nursing home I used to work at years ago had a call in sheet by the phones with a checklist with all the various reasons employees might call in sick. There was the usual boxes for the flu and cold. But also on the list of reasons why someone might call in was the option of herpes. It made me wonder if someone had actually called in and said they couldn't possibly come in to work because of a raging case of herpes. That really has nothing to do with you though Aries, because there is no box for crabs.

Watch out for roving gangs of horny rabid midgets prowling the streets this weekend committing unspeakable sex acts on every big person that crosses their path. So if you've never been sexually assaulted by a dozen perved out little people, now is your chance to cross that off your list. I know I will.

The laws of Fate are very clear that you should really try not to ever have children. It's a proven fact that if you make fun of someone that is different or that has a handicap Fate will punish you by inflicting that same abnormality on your children. And since you make fun of nearly everybody you come in contact with that is a little...differently-abled the odds that your kid will be a deaf colorblind Jehovah's Witness albino with a hilarious case of Turrets Syndrome are pretty high.They will also watch hour after hour of Dora the Explorer and Bratzs movies when they aren't involuntarily calling you a Motherfucker over and over at the grocery store. Use a condom.

Your starting to grow a mono brow Cancer, but for the love of Jesus don't use a razor and try to shave between your eyebrows. I knew a guy in high school who did that and ended up taking out half of his left eyebrow out in one stroke. Unfortunately he didn't stop there. Once half the eyebrow was gone the only thing he could think of to do was shave the other 1 and 1/2 eyebrows off and make up a story about having a seizure and calling the ambulance. He claimed that the paramedics had to attach electrodes to his forehead and the only way they could do it correctly was by ...you guessed it...shaving his eyebrows off. Man did he look scary. Kinda Frankenstein like. And the sad part is that once I found out the truth and accidentally told everybody what really happened nobody believed him about the whole seizure thing. So the moral of the story is...pluck or wax.

The stars are aligning in just the right position making this the perfect week to take up smoking Leo. Smoke em if you've got em.

You can go right to Hell if you think you so special that you can tell me my potato salad has too much mayonnaise in it Virgo. You heard me. Straight to Hell.

Why do you always lie all the time? Nobody believes any of those far out stories about cool things you've done or neat skills you have. You sure got that lying lier skill down pat. That's pretty neat. lier.


- Everybody's always saying how good you are in bed. "Scorpio is just so good in bed" they say. "Scorpio is a insatiable twisted perv" they say. "Scorpio is so talented with his tongue" they all say. Whatever. You weren't that good. And to be honest...my Grandmother could probably out perv you if last night was any judge. Prude.

You should never have messed around with that Necronomocon Sag. It's just common sense not to go around playing with the book of the dead. Now we have this whole zombie infestation to worry about, not to mention all the flying demon things. Sheesh. Thanks a lot you big ruiner.

Do I even know any Capricorns? Does even one single goat person read my blog? I could whip up some awesome, imaginative horoscope that nobody's ever gonna read or I could save any flares of genius I could waste on you and give it to Aquarius. I think I'll do that.

Don't leave the house this week. Don't answer the phone. Don't read and mail and for the love of Pete don't watch TV. Hmmm...what else? Don't eat any shellfish or eat any farm raised catfish. Don't put your penis in a hollowed out cucumber that was just in the microwave until you are sure its not too hot. Only put it in there for like 4 seconds or you'll get burned. And don't have sex with any Aries or you'll get crabs. Just sit there. And Wait. I'll let you know when it's safe again.

This is going to sound like really far out advice Pisces, but I swear I'm not crazy. This totally doesn't make any sense and it goes against everything you know...but I'm just gonna say it. It might not be a good idea to trust a crackhead this week. I know..they are usually right on the money...oh and speaking of money. Don't loan them any money this week either. In fact it might be a good idea if you hide your money. And if you decide to have sex with one be prepared to get crabs. Even if they aren't an Aries. The crabs are coming down hard on the crack heads and the Aries right now. And possibly the Aquarius too if they do anything besides just sit there. Oh...and Scorpio and Libra look like they have one creepy crawly or another too.Did you just itch your down yonder area? Oh God..between the zombies and the horned out midgets and the crabs this is like...the best week ever! Well..if your into that sort of thing.

Finally. Effective help for parents of gay children. ask your dr.

Try Homocil
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Good Morning Meth

It's funny cuz it's true.

BJ and Brother Dean Sex Advice for 6/9/07

It's time once again for your favorite sex advice call in show starring a right wing religious zealot and a whorish gay airhead! It's the only place to go to receive practical advice on giving head and to be condemned to hell all at the same time! They are the original odd couple, its BJ and Brother Dean.....

Brother Dean- Good Afternoon Sinners, may God have mercy on your souls. unless of course your souls are dirty playgrounds of carnal desires and disgusting depravity, which I'm sure they are if your an audience member of our show. BJ appears to be late, fornicating in the broom closet no doubt, so I'm going to get started without him. While I have the time I would like to bring up my personal hero, James Dobson. He is the brave wise righteous man who is the head of my favorite group, Focus on the Family. He brought up the timely point that a society that practically worships rites such as hard core lesbian sex is headed for doom--

(BJ rushes in and grabs a mic)BJ- Whoa, sorry I'm late.


Brother Dean- Were you fornicating in a broom closet?

BJ-Well, yeah. But I still would have been here in time if someone hadn't locked me in.

Brother Dean- Probably just a little harmless horse play.

BJ-Except they started a fire that nearly asphyxiated us.

Brother Dean- Burn now or burn later...lets move on. I was talking about Focus on the Family and--

BJ-Yeah, right. If you want to talk about that shit get your own show. I have mine. It's an adults only hard core video blog where I do anything the viewer requests. My fans know where to find me.

Brother Dean- Yeah, in the smoldering pits of--

BJ- tsk tsk tsk. Remember, you have to put a dollar in the jar every time you say Hell.

Brother Dean- fine. Lets take a question. Since BJ took all our letter home for apparent masturbation material and didn't return them we are taking this one from Iafrica.com.

"I'm 12-years-old and really want to have sex. Every night before I go to bed I touch my breasts and my clitoris. But I'm dying to have sex. Please help. What can I do?"

Brother Dean- First of all, and I'll try not to judge, I think everyone would agree that your getting a great start on being a dirty little whore. I mean...really. Am I wrong? You need to know that girls aren't supposed to want to have sex. Ever. Sex to a girl is a wifely duty that you must preform but never enjoy. Enjoying sex is for girls like Madonna or Hillary Clinton and other girls who dream of one day being a bride of Satan. Do you want to shame your family and experience eternal damnation in the bowels of Hell?

BJ-Ahhh! You said Hell. Dollar in the jar. OK...my turn. Personally I was also very sexual at that age, which is normal. But I just couldn't get over the part about you touching your breasts and clitoris. I wasn't touching any clitoris at that age and I'm still not. You need to go out and let other people touch your breasts and clitoris and you can get to work touching cock, which is really what you want anyway right?

Brother Dean- My Goodness, she's only 12!

BJ- I'm not saying she should do it now! Wait a few years, and in the meantime you can play Dr. with the neighbor kids. Thats what I did. I was known as Dr. BJ all up and down the street until I was in my early teens. I still see some of my old patients. Speaking of Doctor's, I have an exam with a really hot med student in the alley behind the station. I need to run. Until next time...have a freaky weekend.

Brother Dean- And I'll see you in church on Sunday? right? Oh whatever.

The stars are back with a vengence...your horroscope for June 8th

The stars are back with a vengence...your horroscope for June 8th

Aries-
Jupiter and Mars align making this the perfect day to either get your wisdom teeth pulled, start collecting Don Ho records or barely survive a shark attack. But not all 3 at once. Pick one. Don't be greedy.

Taurus- The stars think that outfit makes you look fat.

Gemini-
This message is from that sea monkey colony you started recently. They appreciate that you brought them to life, but could do without the massive earthquakes a few times a day. They would really like you to decide if your a just and loving god or a vengeful god. Unlike the humans, they say they wont put up with you trying to be both.

Cancer-
Everything points to you making a huge life altering change today Cancer! Isn't it exciting? Just look for a big decision and make it! Convert to Mormonism. Quit drinking and join a 12 step program. Quit a 12 step program and join a drinking contest! Go out and get pregnant! The options are limitless and the rest of us will have so much to gossip about once you finally go for it.

Leo-
It's the perfect day to start smoking Leo. Isn't it about time you stop fighting it and just give in? All the cool kids are doing it. Your a cool kid, aren't you? -----This horoscope brought to you by your friends at Phillip Morris.

Virgo-
You have been thinking about letting go and acting a bit naughty lately, haven't you Virgo? I say go for it! Let that special someone take those naughty pictures of you that they have been dying to take. I guarantee they will be very tasteful and oh so flattering. Don't even think about it...just throw your legs in the air and let the camera do its magic.

Libra-
The stars didn't mention you this week Libra. Did you do something to make them mad? You must have. Every time you say anything the stars make a big deal about not hearing you, saying "Does anybody hear that? The wind is really making some noise". You know that game. Uh-oh. now the stars are dividing the room in half with a piece of tape, and don't think your getting the half with the bathroom.

Scorpio-
OK, perv, I think I convinced Virgo to let you take those nasty pictures you want to take. I better get a few copies.

Sagittarius-
You deserve some rest Sag. When you get home this evening crack open a nice bottle of Bud, dig into a new Wendy's chicken club and watch the return of NBC's summer reality show "The Biggest Loser." Man, thats living. ----this horoscope brought to you by Budweiser, Wendy's and NBC Must see TV.

Capricorn-
Don't be surprised if a romance turns into a super scary stalker this weekend. You'll think twice about dressing like a tramp next time. The slutty look always gets the attention of the crazies, but then they always end up using it against you.

Aquarius-
You better watch what you say about me water boy. You don't want to mess with me. No way. The stars got my back, cuz we're tight. You hardly ever read anything bad about Gemini, do you? So you can step back and maybe find the love of your life this week. Or you can keep messing with me and end up on the run from some renegade Scientologists wanting to make you the next Mrs. Tom Cruise. It's your choice.

Pisces-
The stars want you to go out and have fun this week. Don't worry about responsibilities or deadlines. Just go crazy. I have some naked pictures of Virgo and I think Cancer is off the wagon again. Lets party!

personal blog of Zeke Z

I'm a crazy work of fiction)
Let me preface this first sentence of the personal blog of Zeke Z, thats me, by saying that I'm not one to seek attention. I'm not an attention seeker in any sense of the word. I have debated whether or not I should even do this whole blogging thing and every way it works out I realize that it is not important what I want...but what the world needs.And as much as I dislike bragging and personal acclaim of any kind, thats not a good enough reason to withhold my much needed voice from the world. I am doing this for you, yes you! Your often deafening demand for the personal blog of Zeke Z was too hard to ignore, and even though I completely dread with every fiber of my being all the hoopla and the eventual stalking by the paparazzi I am prepared to make that sacrifice.
I hesitate to even introduce myself, because so many of you must know who I am. But then I reminded myself that blogging is an international past time and people over there in Bangledash don't even have clean water without shit in it. They don't even know about the recent troubles of Ms. Brittney Spears. They probably think Justin and Cameron are still a couple, for Gods sake. Do they even know Brad and Angelina? OK, I'm starting to talk crazy now, everybody knows Brad and Angelina.
But lets get back to me. I am Zeke Z. Remember that name, cuz it's going to be worth money someday. Unless I just start going by Z. Either way remember the letter Z. Z as in...ZZZ. you know..the sound people make in the cartoons when they are sleeping.
WHOA! Forget that last part, I don't want to be associated with putting people to sleep. Anyway, I am the number 2 go go boy at Peckers, downtown and of course I host the cable access sensation "Zeke a go go" on cable access channel 214. You've seen it.
The number 1 go go boy at Peckers, by the way, is Ridge Ranger. Lame name right? What kind of name is Ridge Rangers? It sounds like a gay cowboy soap opera name. I don't mean to talk bad about him though. I don't want to give you the impression that I'm jealous, or mean spirited. I adore Ridge Rangers..hehe..I can't say that name with a straight face though. Ridge is really really great. The main reason he is number 1 is because he has been there so so so long and besides its only right to respect our elders. Ridge is an elder and I wouldn't feel right if I had the meaningless title of number 1 over him anyway. I mean, if you take a look at the back fat that is just around the corner from popping up or the huge pores in his face that it seems like I'm the only one who can see, then you know his time is ticking by fast. But I love Ridge. He's a real friend. I just hope that I don't start running my mouth off and let secrets slip in this blog that may hurt his business. Not that theres anything I could say that would threaten his spot at number 1. I mean, nobody cares if he can't ever get fully hard without pills and potions. Or that I heard he is a sex offender. This is the 20th century people, get over it. The only thing i wouldn't really want to have get out is the fact that Ridge isn't really gay. His customers who continually make him the number one go go boy at Peckers would not take too kindly if they found out that he thinks they are gross and is totally faking all that absurd attention he gives each and every one of them. It's not like he told me that he is straight, but I can tell. And I don't enjoy being lied to, Mr. Ridge Rogers. Or Ridge Rangers or whatever. hehe what a silly name.
Well I need to get running. It's my spot up next and you don't want to know what would happen if I was too keep my fans waiting. They go nuts for me, literally. But what I like best about them is the fact that they don't disrespect Ridge and make it obvious that they like me better. But I know. Oh I know.
If you didn't know me it would look like I just came on here to trash my best friend and fellow dancer, but we both know thats not true. Ridge is my mentor. He has been doing this for so so so long. He is like the Bea Arthur of go go boys. hehe boys. Technically I don't think you can call Ridge a boy in any sense of the word. Not once you took a good look at those crows feet. Oh Boy! But I really do respect and honer him and I would be a complete mess if anything were to happen to him.If he were to trip right off the stage like that bitch from Showgirls, my favorite move, I would have a coronary. That would put me right at number one, and I really don't enjoy too much attention. Not when it should go to my soul brother Ridge Rogers or whatever. I mean, he doesn't have much longer before somebody will need to put him out to pasture. He's at least 25 for God's sake, and with all the drugs he snorts up his nose he looks more like 40. Did you know he can put a handkerchief up one nostril and pull it out the other? I know . gross.
Well, come down to Peckers downtown location and show me your support. I will be back to tell you all about my life and loves and ambition. Not everything is about Ridge Rogers. Next time it will be all about me, aren't you relieved?

Disney Survey

Disney Survey

Um...I didn't make it up..but I answered the questions honestly/

1...What was Captain Hook's name before it was Captain Hook? He was Captain Palmolive because he had such Beautiful hands and he always soaked in Palmolive and he was known for miles around as the guy with the cutest darn hands you've ever seen.

2...What was the Big Bad Wolf's occupation? I don't know what you want to call it, but his job was mainly to blow. He was always talking about this job he had to get to, or that blow job he was doing in 20 minutes.
3...Why didn't the Queen in Snow White have a name? You mean Cheryl? She has a name. That's little ol Cheryl Ann Rutabaga. We were good friends until those dwarfs got a hold of her. Vicious things those dwarfs.

T4...Why did Cruella De Vil prefer Dalmatians? Isn't it obvious? Dalmatians are only like the sexiest thing on 4 legs. Hot.

5...Which was the Queen Of Hearts favorite card? That my friend is where the tragedy lies. The queen of Hearts hate cards, card games, gambling of any sort. You see, in this end she mostly hated herself. Oh and that bitch Alice. Ohhhhh she hated that little shemale. Oh you didn't know? Alice was a chick with a dick.

6...What drove the Mad Hatter insane? If you stop and think about it, maybe he is the sane one. Maybe. But it was kind of weird for him to chop all those people up and serve them at tea parties. And he was always on PCP, that stuff goes to your head.
7...How did the Headless Horseman lose his head? Oh he has one. It's just so much smaller than the other boys that it didn't really make a difference.
8...Why wouldn't Peter Pan grow up? Peter Pan did grow up, kind sir. He was making a fortune as a hustler to the …you know..the Pedos….they bought his whole never growing up act and paid out the nose. That Peter was one sick son of a bitch.But he made a real good potato salad

.

9...What common household object would you turn into in Beast's castle?

Don't turn into a candle stick…take my word for it. The beast is one wild sex animal, but that Belle is twice as bad. That girl is a sex pervert and there ain't nothing remotely phallic shaped safe in their house.

10...How did the Seven Dwarf's get their nicknames? Lets see. Grumpy was always coming off some drug binge or another and that come down can be kinda yucky. Dopey, well he never came down a day in his life that boy was always high. Oohh weel he was . I saw him drink a whole case of cough surup once and try to shoot up some Red Bull. God he was retarded. Um..Doc was always pretending to be a Obgyn and tricking the girls at the Dr's office he set up. Lordy did he get in some trouble back in '86 I believe. That was a mess. Sleepy was a heroin junkie. Sneezy, poor thing was dying of some kind of Cancer. That was a mean nickname if you ask me. Which were the other ones? Snoopy , that was his real name.

11...Did scientists name the last planet 'Pluto' after the disney dog? They named a big rock after the disney dog, but that wan't a planet. Size does matter sometimes .

12...Why is Mickey Mouse's voice so high? He thinks he should have been born a girl mouse.hes one of those transsexuals…or transvestites, or trans gender. Either way he takes drugs to sounds like a girl and he has the nicest rack I've ever seen on a mouse. Or any rodent for that matter.

13...Which did Alice prefer: Eat Me or Drink Me? She preferred to dick slap above anything with that huge cock she had. That Alive was a shemale.!!

14...How long did Pinoccio's nose grow? He says 10 inches, but it wasn't a bit over 6.5. We were close one night and I know.

15...What did Cinderella lose after the ball? It wasn't her virginity like she claims. That girl had been twiddled and twadelled by every straight man in Fairytown. And for cheap too. Lordy.

16...Why does Donald Duck wear no pants? he was obviously an exhibitionist. Him and Daisy used to get off on an audience while they were ducking. I didn't complain.

17...How did Bambi's mother die? Auto asphyxiation.She used to masturbate with plastic bags around her head more than any deer i've ever met.
18...What made Quisimodo attractive to Esmerelda? She was a pervet. She liked to get high and have sex with the poor retards. She was a sick bitch she was.

19...How does Winnie The Pooh smell? Like stinky butt. With a hint of honey.

20...Why was Tinkerbell the only female in Neverland? That girl didn't want to share. I've seen her in action. Damn was she insatiable. I'm gay and I even got some of that .

21...What were The Three Pigs names? I just remember the one ….Dick Cheney.?

22...What did Sleeping Beauty dream about? accidentally going to school naked without studying for the big test. And falling.
23...What was Robin Hood's first theft? that bastard took my virginity. He did leave me a nice bag of gold though. Nice fellow.

24...What made Goofy, goofy? His mother drank a lot . He has fetal alcohol syndrome. You shouldn't make fun. Its amazing what he can do considering .

25...What was Prince Charming's worst habit? He listened to a lot of crapy music. He loed Celine Dion. Oh, and he used to always leave little trimmings of his pubic hair all over the place when he visited. He was fucked up.

How to Survive Opening Night

How to...Survive Opening Night (A lost high school essay)
Current mood: bouncy

the lost high school essay.

Hi kids. I was back home yesterday for my cousins Bar-b-que and visiting friends and discovered my best friend Jenn still had this sarcastic how to paper I wrote for college writing our senior year. So...I took it home and put it on myspace. I've left it mostly in tact...just dropping a few sentences and making some shorter. It's still long..for a blog at least. I didn't change much, even though I wanted to. ..now for the main event...

HOW TO SURVIVE OPENING NIGHT....
So your in a play? You've memorized lines, blocked your scenes and gave up all your free time to rehearse under the diriction of a slave driving perfectionist? Good. Follow me as we go step by step through the sado-masochistic ritual known as Opening Night!

As a rule, I like to arrive at the theater either very early or "you might as well forget about it" late. Since it is your first time you should plan on coming early, about a good six hours before the performance. This shows commitment. Being locked outside(since the director hasn't bothered to follow your example) gives you a chance to put everything else out of your mind and focus on your character. Meditating is a good way to accomplish this. After about , say, seven minutes this task will seem incredibly tedious and the bitter cold may start to get to you. Frostbitten toes may be a good sign you should probably get inside.


You may be contemplating breaking in to the theater. I say Do it! ?Whats the worst that could happen? A trigger happy cop could "make your day!" Its all in the name of art.

Lets jump ahead a few hours. The director has arrived and assuming you were fortunate enough to avoid any serious interactions with the law its time to get ready.

After sending out for something to eat (FYI- go vegetarian, all actors have their little quirks and causes, this can be one of yours!) you preform the delicate task of enjoying your food while getting into your costume. You'll undoubtedly fail. As luck would have it your choice of dinner will be something guaranteed to stain. So now you have vegetarian tofu ravioli all over your virgin white costume! Of course it won't come out, and you are running out of time to put on your makeup.

A good actor never trusts the theater to have the right make up on hand. But you did. You will just have to do with what is available. The base is so different from your own skin color that you could pass for another race. Your growing nervousness leads to over one too many applications until you look like your playing the part of Kunta Kinta from Roots. The only lipstick available is hot pink and your mascara is a pretty shade of green. Not bad. Go get the directors stamp of approval and you'll be ready.

Your incredibly stunning appearance was enough to move the director to tears and she had to be escorted to the nearest seat. Don't forget to check your props while theres still time.

Everything is in place except for the apples for your big juggling scene. Alas, when you finally find the apples it appears they haven't been replaced by new ones in weeks. Hopefully the stage manager will have done their job and brought some.

10 minutes 'till show time!! Get upstairs with the rest of the cast. Everywhere from the greenroom to dressing rooms are in utter chaos, the way it should be. Look, the female lead has relieved an abundance of beautiful roses from all her many admirers- in other words Mom, Dad and Uncle Jack. Unfortunately it seems like shes allergic to them from the tears, runny nose and hideous gasping for breath. It must be a magical time to be her understudy.

In the corner an actor is holding his left foot while hopping in a circle muttering Yiddish profanities under his breath. What in God's green Earth is the problem? Take a look at the giant balloon floating above him with the words "GOOD LUCK!" Of course! He is preforming his own personal ritual for warding off the bad luck of saying Good Luck. You see, in the theater good luck is bad luck and bad luck is good luck. In other words "Good Luck" carries an awful demonic message while "Break a leg" is music to an actors ears.Confused? Get used to it.


Wondering away from that doomed soul, your secure in the fact that something like that could never happen to you. Everything changes when some completely foolish, selfish and ignorant in the ways of the theater non actor passes wishing you "Good Luck!" Oh NO!! After throwing her down and mercilessly kicking, biting and hitting her you must preform your own ritual!This can be a little saying or a complicated dance number that makes the evil go away
.

Its time to join the rest of the cast for a pep talk.

Once that is over its a great time to ask the stage manager about your apples. She responds by completely blowing up at you because apparently you should have asked at dress rehearsal. With another battle lost make your way to your mark ready to begin.

This is it! Your about to make your stage debut! As the countdown to your appearance draws you'll undoubtedly realize that you have forgotten all of your lines!What do you do? First thing to remember is Don't Panic! Calm down... Relax. NO!Don't Meditate!!There's no time for that crap. This is an obvious emergency..Treat it as One!! Quickly spill your problems to a fellow actor backstage and if he is typical he will give you your first line,( Everybody knows the rest of the cast's lines except their own). and you can take it from there.

Was that your cue? Go out there! Go on...Do It! I SAID GO OUT THERE! Good. Of course as you are saying your first line you trip across your own shadow and the audience roar with laughter. Don't despair. Make it a part of the story. Excellent. Your fellow thespians marvel at your brilliance.

Your doing great. Just don't--OH NO! You just dd it. You looked into the audience! Your stunned. You have STAGE FRIGHT. Lets take a break for a moment. Have you ever seen that episode of "The Brady Bunch" where Cindy went on a game show and she couldn't stop staring at one of the lights and nobody could snap her out of it? Well that's what you look like now you Idiot! Everybody is waiting for your next line! If you don't open your mouth and say something they will seriously tar and feather you. They'll laugh you off the stage. You'll never get a date with that good looking extra--- phew! That did it.Your off and rearin' to go!


Things are going well until the crucial scene where you need to use your prop gun. Before the play started did you remember to set all your props? Are you sure? You don't know? Well I do! This is the one you forgot to set out and now your standing here with egg on your face, without a gun, trying to shoot the villain with your fingers! Oh my heck! That feeling your experiencing is stupidity as the audience dies with laughter. They aren't laughing with you, they are laughing at you. Theres a difference.

Of course as you exit the stage for intermission you invariably trip over the same shadow you had trouble with on the way in. Perfect.

As you relate your tales of horror to fellow cast mates just behind the curtain during intermission disaster strikes! Again! Some audience members can see you from their seats, and in case you aren't aware it is very bad luck for them to see you when you aren't on stage. One guess to how the rest of the evening will go.

After accidentally not paying attention and missing the opening of Act II you rush on stage at the wrong cue and as fate would have it you step on that cute extras dress as she walks away, ultimately ripping it off exposing her in just her underwear. Kiss a date with her goodbye as she runs crying offstage.

When this happens take no notice of your impending doom. Just keep going. When the time comes for you to juggle those rotting apples, try not to make any more mistakes. Judging by the nights track record its no surprise when you drop a couple (which are so old several generations of flies got their starts in them) and they explode on the stage.
Quick! Find Something to clean that up with! In character! (why would your character use the torn dress to mop of rotten apples? whats his motivation?) What you perceive to be method acting, the audience only sees a crazy person mopping up applesauce with a dress he ripped right off a poor girls body and is now muttering to himself in the spotlight. Finally the curtain drips bringing an end to your torture.

Don't expect any applause during your curtain call (only rotten tomatoes if the audience was insightful enough to bring them).

As you prepare to make your escape from the hordes of anrgy, screaming audience members bearing pitchforks and torches,
let me leave you with these words of advice.

Don't quit your day job.
Better luck on your next 12 performances.
Break a leg.
Run!