Jankey B's Dive: lists

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Saturday, July 14, 2007

Best Cover Songs Ever!!

I was checking out the new Green Day cover of one of my favorite John Lennon songs--Working Class Hero--and I started thinking about some cover songs that I really like. Then I thought "Hey!" I exclaimed to myself. I exclaimed "Hey! Why don't you do a 20 best cover songs ever list just like you did that 80 Best Rock Songs Ever list a a while back. And then I remembered how well that one worked out since I just kept adding songs...and forgetting others, not to mention the fact that who the hell am I to say what the best are. So instead I'm going to write about some covers that I think are very nice. It in no way implies that they are the best and that your favorites suck or something. Except for the ones YOU like. Those ones really do suck.
So what makes a good cover song? A lot of these songs i think are not only on par with the original version, but many of them are better. Also, a good cover is going to do something different than just a exact version of the original. As pain pill popping Paula Abdul would say on that show that she does sometimes..."They made it their own." So without any further ado...

AWESOME COVER SONGS. PARTY TIME. EXCELLENT!!

1. If you liked the Carpenters version of Superstar...which is basically about some crazy girl stalking a rock star who fucked her on the way through to the next gig and she actually thinks he's coming back for her you need to check out Sonic Youth's cover.And if you hate the Carpenters you'll really like this one because he really does make it his song. It qualifies as haunting...and it's a nice tribute to the number one most played at the dentist and for the Musac in the elevator...Miss. Karen Carpentor.

2. Jolene. Dolly Parton begged Jolene to please not take her man..even though that pretty bitch can. And Jack White of the White Stripes ends up doing the same. Most impressively to me is the fact that he doesn't change the words to the song and make Jolene a Joe for fear that he might sound too gay. He has other things to worry about. Like that home wrecking hussy Jolene taking his man away. I saw the stripes preform this before I even knew who they were and it made an impression.

3. Hurt. This song was a tearjerker when Trent Reznor sang it. When Johnny Cash steps up to the microphone bringing his own hurt out there for us to feel it's heartbreaking. June Carter Cash,the love of his life was gone and he would be right behind her, to follow her into the dark like a good husband should.

4 Hit me Baby One More Time. Yeah, its was Brittney's song, but not after Travis Hill take a stab at it. I've noticed a trend in the covers I like Wanna hear it ? here it goes....The best one seem to strip the song down to the basics instead of going bigger, louder and uncut.

5. Hey Ya. I kept seeing stuff about this version, starring someone named Waddle from a band called Obadiah. I finally watched it and my life has never been the same. Well..I just saw it earlier today...and i guess my life hasn't changed that much, but yours might. Everybody else has by now and its a real nice surprise. Like getting woken up to oral sex. Your just in a better mood for it.

6. Working Class Hero. It's the one that inspired me to waste my time on this list in the fast place.Its a great political song and Greenday seem to be right out there being one of our more political musicians.

Ok...I hardly got any sleep and I'm all of a sudden falling there. So the list will be ...nodding off. end of transmission. I will make a part two. What did you think about these so far?

32 pearls of wisdom for each ring around my trunk

In honer of reaching the ripe old age of 32 I decided to jot down something I have learned or that I just believe to be true for each year. Here goes.

1.Boring people are always bored.

2.It's ok to travel alone. Really it is. When I went to Amsterdam nobody I knew could drop everything and go with me so I went by myself. It was a little scary, but I had a great time and felt stronger for doing it.

3.Other people's acid and or schoom trip stories can be so boring to listen to. It usually sounds like a bunch of exaggerated crap being entered into a psychedelic pissing contest. Except mine. Mine are good.

4.Never fall asleep watching porn somewhere where you shouldn't be watching porn. see my ABC's of Jankey sex series d and g

5.If you don't give awesome customer service you shouldn't work in customer service.

6.If you find yourself desperately trying to hold onto a relationship to make it work you probably need to let go because its not working or it's one sided. Don't be the crazy half of a fatal attraction.

7.Get rid of the toxic, needy, overly critical people in your life. If they don't make you feel good and never give back it's too much work.

8.The side effects of working in customer service can include a growing dislike for people, a refusal to smile or be polite outside of work and automatically thanking someone or apologizing for something inappropriately.

9.If you have a friend with whom you are constantly laughing with whenever you get together, you need to hang out with this person more often. Friends that may cause hysterical laughter are very good friends to have.

10.Question your beliefs. If you have the same religious and political beliefs as your parents you should wonder to yourself if you really believe them or if your doing what you were taught.

11.You can laugh about almost anything.

12.A compliment is a compliment. Don't be a rude bitch about it just because the person who offered you a drink was old or the guy who said you looked nice is "below your standards." Someday the old guys aren't gonna want to buy you drinks anymore and the person you are trying to flirt with is going to laugh in your face. Say thank you.

13.Don't lie about basic facts about yourself online. Don't make yourself 50 lbs smaller or 20 years younger. If there's something about you that stands out then let the other person know. People lie about everything from their looks to their race and it's so dumb. It's better to have a small rejection online than a much more uncomfortable one on somebody's doorstep.

14.You can learn a lot about someone by checking out their bookshelves, movie and music collection.

15. In most cases, use a god damned condom. This is especially something for the girl (in straight sex) or the bottom (in gay sex) to insist on. The person who gets fucked....gets Fucked!

16.Reading makes your smarter.

17.Don't drunk dial.

18.When you rent a movie, as the store employee's advice. If a movie is universally hated they hear about it first. Likewise for really good movies they usually can give a heads up. If you like their advice ask again. If not...ask someone else.

19.Don't wear sweatpants out of the house. Thats what you wear on laundry day or when your depressed.

20.When you are being treated completely unfairly or when you do something totally funny and nobody is there to witness it, just imagine your own private audience. Think of yourself as a Ferris Bueller type. At least the audience knows you were right. It's good to know you had the audience rolling with laughter.

21.negative whiny dramatic people = yuck.

22.the Dollar Tree is fucking awesome. You can get so many cool things there. It is a crafty persons dream. I wish I had it when I was 18 and moving into my first apartment or when I was a kid my Mom could never claim she was too broke to get me something.

23.Know your audience. If your talking to a college educated person go ahead and talk about a dichotomy or the validety of theoretical vs. empirical evidence. If on the other hand the person you are having the discussion with probably doesn't know those words then don't use them. I'm not saying talk down to people, but if you use 10 dollar words when a 25 cent word works even better it makes you look like a pretentious ass. Also if your losing someones attention it's time to wrap it up. It's always a winning idea to know your audience.

24.Wash your hands after going to the bathroom and before handling food. You don't want your dinner guests wigging out over hygiene issues.

25.Relax. Don't be someone that gets offended so easily. It bugs me when someone is easily offended, especially if it is in my name. A few years ago the gay rights watchdog group GLAD got all bent out of shape because the lesbian character of Bianca on All My Children was raped. Why do that to the lesbian character they cried. For crying out loud, I thought, relax. At least they have a lesbian character. And that rape story put her on the front burner for most of the next year. Was she supposed to be the boring best friend who just listens to the other characters that have real stories? Relax. Everybody
.

26. Treat your customer service person with respect and they might be able to help you out with something. If you get angry and blow up in outrage I guarantee they will neither go above or beyond for you.

27.Don't attempt to drive cross country with a dog, a cat , a snake, a fish, your former lover and his bitchy teen wife from Texas to Oregon during hurricane season. It doesn't end well.

28.LISTEN!! Don't just wait your turn to talk. Its obvious and annoying. Especially if your swapping acid trip stories.

29.Learn some street smarts. Pick up on the clues when someone is trying to pull one over on you. Listen for tell tale signs of liars and thieves. Don't get pushed into something you don't feel right about.If your too naive and trusting you make an easy mark.

30.If it is obvious that your feelings for someone are one sided don't embarrass them or yourself with proclamations of love or a public serenade. Its just sad.

31.Plan your own funeral and related business. It makes things easier for your loved ones and guarantees you will go out on your own note and not someone else's. I know I'm the only one I trust to pick the songs for my big goodbye.

32.Don't talk shit about other peoples family members, partners, favorite shows, cooking, etc. They tend to take those things personally.

WWJC- What Would Janky Choose? for June 11

7:16 PM - WWJC- What Would Janky Choose? for June 11
Current mood: nauseated

If you were wondering what would JankyB choose then wonder no more. Here are my picks in the world of pop culture.

Movies- I recently went to the Baghdad Theater here in Portland ($3 movies, old style balcony, and you can eat a slice of pizza and drink a pitcher of beer in the theater..awesome) and saw super cool movie called "Grindhouse". For those that haven't seen it yet, it has my stamp of approval. It is actually a double feature. Robert Rodriguez (Sin City, From Dusk Till Dawn, Spy Kids) directs the bloody over the top zombie flick and Quentin Tarantino ( Kill Bill, Jackie Brown, Pulp Fiction) gives you a movie where girls really kick ass. Kurt Russels' misogynistic ass to be exact. These are both a sort of tribute to the over the top, cheesy, ultra violet exploitation films of the 1970's. It's obvious these guys love the grindhouse genre and they have fun kickin' it old school here. It's really just a fun, kick ass experience with lots of moments that make you want to cheer...which the audience I saw it with wasn't afraid to do. Grindhouse is definitely the coolest movie I have seen in a while, but how could it not be with these two directors in control. It is fun escapism at its most exploitive and goriest.

Old Movies- I'm feeling kinda sick today, so I've been curled up on the couch watching older movies that don't suck. Have you seen the late 70's version of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers"? You should. It's a great sci fi flick shot in a very film noir style where you can't trust anyone and things feel wrong and creepy right from the start. If this was film class I could do a whole paper on how it relates to alientation in a postmodern world...but I'm not and I wont do that to you. It stars Donald Sutherland, Jeff Goldblum and Lenard Nimoy. I own it if you wanna borrow a copy.

I watched another 70's era film, a documentary called "Grey Gardens" which I'd heard about but never got around to watching until now. I enjoyed it, but it's not for everybody. The film shows you the eccentric, often sad and bitter, but always musical lives of a mother and daughter living in a old mansion that could possibly become condemned due to it's janky state. These two women who love and resent each other apparently used to be beautiful, talented, and rich. They are also the cousin and aunt of Jackie Kennedy Onassis. This is a great character study of two great characters. The daughter..Little Edith went a little crazy somewhere along the way...probably during the 25 years she has been stuck taking care of her mother at Grey Gardens, while missing out on any life of her own. This is a cult classic that I'm glad I finally saw.

Books
If you want a good laugh out loud read you can't go wrong with any of the books by David or Amy Sedaris. He writes hysterical brutally honest short stories that leave me crying with laugher. Among his books are "Naked" "Holidays on Ice","Me Talk Pretty Someday" and "Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim."
Trust me they are all good. He is a self involved, obsessive compulsive, sometimes abuser of vice, gay guy who was a weird little gay outcast as a child. It was creepy how much we actually had in common at times. And you feel like you may know his family as well as if you were one of them. I love his mom so much it surprises me.

His Sister is the uber talented Amy Sedaris.
You may know her as Jerry Blank from "Strangers With Candy." She also voices on of the princesses in Shrek the Third. I love her so much I could just kidnap her and keep her in the basement forever! This girl is crazy. And a Crazy Good Host. I have her book "I like you. Hospitality Under the Influence." The book is of course funny, but it is not a joke book. There are some great recipes and party ideas from cover to cover. Amy also co wrote a innovative satire called "Wigfield" with her two close friends Paul Dinello and Stephen Colbert. Yeah...Colbert Nation host Stephen Colbert.
I liked this book so much that I wanted to steal the general idea and blog the crap out of it. It is written in small pieces through the voices of the jankiest, trashiest strippers, arsonists, and equally shady citizens of the soon to be destroyed town of Wigfield...which is really just a strip of highway with a lot of strip clubs and junkyards.
Inmates
I pick Martha Stewart over Paris Hilton. Yeah Martha is a ruthless bitch, but when she was sentenced to prison time she showed up early and did her time. Paris "I'm fucking famous for having more money than anyone should" Hilton showed up late to jail after trying to take over the MTV movie awards. She toughed it out for 2 whole days before some idiot sheriff decides she should be released due to an unspecified medical condition. I was so happy when the judge said no fucking way to that and threw her ass back in. Apparently she was crying and calling out for her Mom and even going so far as to make the sign of the cross while in court. Too bad her and Martha's sentences weren't in sync because I'd really like to see Paris become Ms. Stewart's personal bitch.
Beverages
I pick the yummy for my tummy Caramel Frapachino's over the kinda nasty Orange Creamcicle ones at Starbucks. I love t he Caramel ones. I could drink those all day. And I really like getting them at the Starbucks that are inside of Fred Myers. Do you know why? You aren't allowed to tip them when they are Freddy's employees. I can tell them how much I want to, but they can't accept it. Is it wrong to enjoy that so much?
Sports
I also pick the feel good sport of Frisbee now that the weather is so nice. Unlike the equally boring and stressful sport of baseball Frisbee is actually fun. Those are my picks. Let me know if you try any of them.

Childhood memories with my Nanny I will never forget

Yeah bitch I had a nanny. She was always there for me, sitting on here big console ass in the living room. I loved nanny RCA. Yeah I'm talking about the TV. Sheesh. Who do you think raised me? So here is a short list of Great Moments In TV that shaped who I am, kind of.

1. The Incredible Hulk!!- If only because I hear the same story about it at a family gathering at least once a year. OK..when I was little..say 4...I used to sit up real close to the TV. I mean mighty close...about 3 inches from the screen was optimal viewing. When my Aunt would babysit me if it happened to be the night Incredible Hulk was on there was a little trick her husband liked to play on me...and I guess it would be pretty funny, especially as stoned as he probably was. On a commercial he would change the channel and I would get my face right there in the TV so my nose was almost touching it. When the Hulk came back from commercial it was always a clip of the Hulk all super mad and swinging his huge arms and going Aghhhhhhh!!!! He would change it over to that at just the right moment and scare the living shit out of me. I guess having an angry Hulk right in my face was the stuff of my 4 year old night mares. But hey..I probably had a contact high too.

2. The Bionic Woman-

She changed my name. Well, she was the reason I changed mine. All my life I had been called Jamie by my family and that was all well and fine until I started preschool and everybody called me Jamie Summers, after the ol' gal. Little boys don't like being teased by being called names of girls...so when I started Kindergarten I was also trying out my new identity of James.

3.Halloween II-
Back before cable my grandparents had something called UHF or U...something that was similar. I remember it was a big event one Friday when my mom, step dad and I went over to watch Halloween II.

It was the first horror movie I remember watching, I was probably 5 or 6, and it kick started an obsession I had with them growing up. I was the boy in the neighborhood whose parents didn't set any boundaries about what he watched...and I was everybody else's ticket to see the latest Friday the 13th.
Anyway...Halloween II scared me big time. The image of the pumpkin on the credits started off freaking me out. To this day automatically pick my feet up off the floor if I'm sitting down and the theme come on. For some reason I think Micheal Myers is gonna grab me feet. Michael was the source of many of my childhood fears. There is a scene in the film where Micheal get to the hospital room that Jamie Lee Curtis is supposed to be in..goes to the bed and assumes the shape under the covers is her and really goes to town on the stabbings. But then he realizes there were just some pillows on the sharp end of his love and he gets really pissed. Well I had a plan for when Michael finally showed up in my room. I was going to strap packets of fake blood to the stuffed Cheetah I slept with every night...so when Micheal started stabbing he would see the blood and move along. I had many other horror movie related neurosis, but thats one of the first.
Right after the movie was over the Playboy Channel came on and my Grandma switched the station. My step dad started arguing with her about how fucked up that its ok for me to watch teens getting slaughtered but bare boobies were a no no. He did have a point, but I love my Grandma a fucking ton so I still have to side with her...25 years later. Besides. I wasn't interested in seeing the Playboy Channel then and I'm not interested now.

4. Epic Mini-Series. I remember watching 80's mini series events more vividly than things like my birthday. I was 8 when "The Day After" made its big debut in 1983, but I was overly paranoid about nuculear war for the rest of the decade.
I think that same year "The Burning Bed" gave me some great idea's for dealing with a certain step father that was a raging alcholoic at the time..and not a very nice one.
"V" was a god damned weeklong event that captivated me then...and it stands the test of time today. It was the series where the aliens are really snake people stealing our water and using our citizens as food, while pretending to be friends. There were so many comparisons with Nazi Germany at the time, but they work great for the issue of Homeland Security today. I get excited just thinking about how awesome it is still. The clip I posted is super cheesy, so if you havn't seen it don't judge by that. But it was pretty cool at the time.

Of course I had to have been into some miniseries that were pretty gay in hindsight. For me the gayest obsession of my youth was John Jakes "North and South". That shit was tight. Patric Swayze as the Confederate plantation owner whose best friend is a prominent Northerner. Kirstie Alley was the N----- loving abolitionist who loved a fight, was kinda crazy and tended to fuck the slaves she helped free. Genie Francis, Leslie Anne Down, Robert Carradine and Forrest Whittaker were all unforgettable roles. Plus you had guest stars like Johnny Cash, Elizabeth Taylor, Robert Mitchum, Morgan Fairchild and Gene Kelly. I liked it so much I even read the 1000+ page book. And one of the sequels. I actually have a craving to go back and check it out now. It really gave me a taste of the epic all star spectaculars that TV used to make, boy did it.

5. I was going to call it a list after the mini series, but what kind of list only has 4 items? So I'm going to credit my old pal Mr. Rogers with making me believe that he liked me because I was the very best me that I could be. That was ok in the 70's.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

ABC's of Janky Sex H-J

ABC's of Janky Sex H-J (SBT)

I know this is late late late for Sex Blog Thursday...and that it's technically Friday now..but what the fuck.Continuing my ABC's of Janky sex....the next bit of impropriety is brought to you by the letter H..

H is for Hippy Sex- When I first moved to Portland I rented a room in a big house that was mostly occupied by other gay men. Throughout the 5 years I lived there some straight and bi guys also rented rooms as well as one granola lesbian. This story concerns one straight hippy boy who lived in the room next to mine for about 6 months. Lets call him T.J. He was a very cute, open minded 18yo from New Jersey, whose general enthusiasm was contagious...even if his love for Phish was not. He was a short skinny blond with beautiful blond hair and a cute Jersey accent. He really was a sweet kid. One night we were in my room playing Soul Caliber on my soon to be obsolete DreamCast when he turned to me and asked if I could do him a favor. I thought he was going to ask to use my computer, so it really threw me for a loop when the words that came out of his mouth were "Will you fuck me?" Whaa huh what?

I asked him to clarify, just in case I heard wrong but he asked again. Afraid of taking advantage due to his extreme stoned state I questioned him responsiblly. Was he sure thats what he wanted? Maybe he wanted to start out slower, like getting a blow job. Had he done anything like that before? Apparantly he knew what he wanted. He was curious about what it felt like to be fucked. He wasn't interested in kissing (the curious guys never are). He had practiced with a wine bottle (I immediately informed him of the inherent dangers with that) and wanted to try the real thing.

Did I mention just how freaking cute he was? He didn't have to convince me to much and we soon got naked. He wasn't into kissing, but boy could he give a nice blowjob for a beginner..and I believe it was his first time. The actual fucking proved a bit more difficult. He was impossibly tight, as many virgins tend to be especially at his size. He was about 5'7" and maybe 120 lbs. I only managed to get about halfway in before we stopped. The 69 was fun though. We tried one other time in the shower when we were all soaped up, and that worked a little better although he was never fully relaxed enough to enjoy it completly.

The best part of it was the was he reacted to the experience. There was no guilty weirdness or avoiding me in the hall. He acted like he always did afterwards with much less self consciousness that you would expect in someone after a experimental sexual experience. That was especially impressive considering his age and the social stigmatizing nature of the whole thing. I wouldn't have minded a few more oral sex situations though.

I is for Intersexual- Here is a fact you may or may not know. For every birth that turns out "normal" boys and girls a small percentage of baby's are born in a category known as Intersexuals. In very simple terms this usually means that the xx chromosome girl has an abnormally large clitoris and the xy chromosome boy has a very tiny penis. When this happens in the United States the standard procedure is to make the girl with the big clit into a boy and the boy with the tiny penis into a girl. This can create all kinds of messes later in life when, for example, the child who looks like a boy feels more like a girl. There are groups on both sides of the debate who make very good arguments, but thats not what I'm writing about. That was just the background for my little story.

When I was about 25 I met this really cute Mexican boy downtown and we ended up back at my studio on campus. He was very charming, good looking and quite intelligent. I was getting really turned on when he tried to teach me some kinky Spanish phrases. He was the picture of confidence until the cloths started coming off. Once he was naked it was impossiblle to get him to stop covering his genitals with his hands. The guy standing naked in my room was an intersexual.

It turns out that he came from a wealthy family from Mexico City, and as is the case for many non-US countries they have different procedures when a baby is born as an intersexual. In this case the let him remain his natural sex without any kind of enhancement to the sexual bits. This was a muscular, handsome, young Latino man with a penis that was probably an inch long, at the most. I was pretty buzzed, and also still turned on by him anyway and could have rolled with the punches. It wasn't his small dick that killed the mood...it was his shame because of it. For most of the time we were fooling around his hand stayed in a deadlock around that area, afraid of me getting too good of a look at it. I'm not coming out on either side of the intersexual debate, but I thought that the emotional scars on this great guy were tragic.

More infor about intersexuals is available on the following websites....being intersexual and the NOVA website for starters.

J is for Jiffy Peanut Butter- What is Jiffy doing on my sex list? It is one of the many items I tried to use as a masturbation aid when I was new to the sport of jerking off that I strongly caution others not to use. In the 6th grade I was trying all kinds of household items in many ways that they were never intended to be used. Before I knew about lube, I tried to substitute a good many other things. My friend Mike had told me about shaving cream (he said it felt just like pussy. I wasn't that much interested in pussy, and I don't think he even knew what pussy felt like, but shaving cream worked ok.) Of course I had my share of jacking to baby oil (still love me some baby oil wrestling) vasoline, cocoa butter, etc. Crisco works in a pinch. Once when I was 18 me and Christian even resorted to peppermint flavored fake blood that I had from some drama experience. I have heard some horror stories involving Icey Hot, but since I never went that route peanut butter is probably the lamest thing I've ever used in place of lube. In case your wondering...it doesn't work. Especially the chunky kind

for past entries click on the link for A-D and E-G

Top 80 Rock Songs Of All Time

I read Stephen King's List of 25 best rock songs ever in Entertainment Weekly and thought how empty the void must feel for those of you who don't know what my choices would be. hehe. My choices quickly got a little bigger than 25, so I figured 80 would be a good number. They are in no particular order and I'm sure I'm leaving out abut 80 songs I like better. What do you think? What did I leave out? Oh...and of course there is no criteria, these are just 80 of my favorites.

Queen- Another One Bites the Dust
The Who- My Generation
Nine Inch Nails- Down in it
Cheap Trick- I Want You To Want Me
Tom Petty- Lets get to the point
Nirvana- Rape Me
Pink Floyd- Another Brick in the Wall
Modest Mouse- Heart Cooks Brain
Bob Dylan- Like a Rolling Stone
Buffalo Springfield- For What its Worth
Modest Mouse- Trailer Trash
The White Stripes- Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground
Janes Addiction- Been Caught Stealin
Wheezer- Buddy Holly
Green Day- American Idiot
The Clash-Should I Stay Or Should I Go?
The Ramones-I Wanna Be Sedated
Sweet- The Ballroom Blitz
Guns and Roses- Sweet Child o Mine
Rolling Stones- Sympathy For The Devil
Beastie Boys- Fight For Your Right
Billy Idol-White Wedding
Janis Joplin- Piece of My Heart
Jefferson Airplane-White Rabbit
Steve Miller Band- The Joker
Wings- Live and Let Die
Don McLean- American Pie
The Beatles- A Day In The Life
Aerosmith-Dream ON
The Beatles- Rocky Racoon
The Who- Won't Get Fooled Again
Janis Joplin- Me and Bobbie Mcgee
Alanis Morissette You Outta Know
Lou Reed- Walk On the Wild Side
Creedence clearwater Revivial- Fortunate Son
James Taylor- Fire and Rain
John Lennon- Instant Karma
The Eagles- Desperado
Kansas-Dust in the Wind
Joan Jett and the Blackhearts- I love Rock and Roll
Hole- Violet
The Beatles- I am the Walrus
Lynyrd Skynyrd- Gimme Three Steps
George Michael- Faith
Oasis-WonderWall
Bush-Come Down
The Rolling Stones- Angie
Sheryl Crow- If It Makes You Happy
Arctic Monkeys- When the Sun Goes Down
Big Audio Dynamite- The Globe
Blur- Boys and Girls
Death Cab For Cutie- I Will Follow You
Elliot Smith- Punch and Judy
Elton John- Tiny Dancer
Everclear- Santa Monica
GreenDay- When I Come Around
Justin Timberlake- Sexy Back
The Killers- Mr. Brightside
The New Pornographers- Use It
Presidents of the United States of America- Lump
The Raconteurs- Steady as she Goes
The Shins-New Slang
Sonic Youth- Diamond Sea
Hedwig and the Angry Inch- The origin of Love
The Strokes- Is This It
The Vines- Factory
The White Stripes- Hotel Yorba
Fleetwood Mac- Dreams
The Velvet Underground and Nico- Chealsea Girls
Chuck Berry- You Never Can Tell
The Ramones- I Want To Be Sedated
Radiohead- Creep
Beck-Loser
Sublime-What I Got
Blind Melon-No Rain
Christina Aguilera- Dirty
Wheezer- We Are All On Drugs
Death Cab For Cutie- Crooked Teeth
AC/DC- Shook Me All Night Long
Meatloaf-Bat out of Hell

PS...here are a couple I originally forgot somehow.

81. Liz Phair- Fuck and Run
82. Queen/David Bowie- Under Pressure
83. The Cure- Killing an Arab

ABC's of Janky Sex E-G

2:22 PM - ABC's of Jankey Sex part 2: E-G. (SBT)
Current mood: irritated

Here are a few more letters from the ABC's of Jankey Sex.

E is for electricity. I don't know how anybody could get off on electric stimulation. I hate electricity. It scares the hell out of me. I get shocked by static electricity every time i use a key or open a dryer. If you trick me with those stupid electric shock gag toys I will seriously knock you down and bite off part of your ear. They used to have this electricity sex toy demo set up at Fantasy Video where you put your fingers on this sponge to get them wet and then something would send electric jolts through you. I was with someone who thought it would be funny to act like it was turned down low, but when I tried it they turned it up as high as it would go. God damn! That was not erotic. It is one of the fetish activities on my NEVER EVER list. And there are very few things on that list. All you people who get off on electric stimulation...What the fuck? You sick sorry bastards.

F is for the Fire Down Below: I went on a date with this really hot guy when I was about 23 that I will never forget. He had a diminished sense of taste, or something to that effect. For dinner he ate an extremely hot pepper with his salad in order to be able to taste it at all. This was like a crazy hot liquid fire pepper.

Cut to an hour later and we are in his bed (on his houseboat) and we are getting hot and heavy. Soon his mouth ventures around south to my ass. Suddenly I feel this intense heat flame up down there and I have no idea what just happened. I jump up and run to the bathroom thinking that I don't know what's going on, but I don't want him rimming me while a volcanic eruption is destined to occur. My butt is still smoldering when I realize it was those hot peppers on his tongue that started this fire! Meanwhile he is turning into an impatient dick trying to coax me back to bed, and doesn't let up when I tell him whats going down. The mood was lost.The incinerator down below kept burning long after my lust for him had died down.

G is for Grandpa's house: Did I ever learn my lesson from the Disneyland Porn Fiasco? After hearing this next story you won't think so. When I was 20, I was living in the upstairs part of my Grandpa's house. One morning after coming home from my graveyard shift at the nursing home I had the house to myself. My Grandpa was a logger and was usually gone until at least one in the afternoon. I had recently purchased a butt load of porn tapes and magazines and was anxious to look them over. After an early "4:20" I sat back in my Grandpa's recliner and put in a tape. It was hot...the magazines full of naked men layed out on my lap were hot...it was all hot. This was one of my first viewings of gay porn and that was pretty exciting. I was also very tired and before you could say"Hot Nasty Gay Porn" I was asleep. When I opened my eyes again I was still in my Grandpa's chair and the porno mags were still in my lap. The tape had stopped, but I don't know when. The bong was still at my side, but sitting one little end table to my right so was my Grandpa! Oh Fuck! I didn't know how long he had been there, or if the tape had still been playing when he showed up. He had bad eye sight, but was it so bad he couldn't see the naked hardcore gay sex staring up at him from the magazine in my lap? I didn't know what to do. I jumped up, grabbed the bong and the magazines, ejected the tape from the VCR and ran upstairs. I think I avoided him for a few weeks as well. He never mentioned the incident to me, but I find it hard to believe I got off so lucky that he was deaf, dumb and blind through the whole incident.

ABC's of Janky Sex A-D

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3 things I Miss About Being Single

These are 3 of the things I miss about being single.

1. I miss being as big of a slob as I want. Granted, I'm no Mr. Clean right now, but I have to try to pick up for myself as much as I can or suffer the consequences. My boyfriend is a Virgo. Enough said. He makes his bed before he leaves in the morning, cleans dishes as he uses them and hangs his cloths up as he takes them off. I don't. But I'm trying. My room is trashed less than a half hour after I clean it, but thats allowed. I really have to make an effort to keep my half finished craft projects, kitchen disasters and dirty towels picked up.

2. I miss being totally spontaneous and not having to think about anyone else. This weekend Cain and I were supposed to work on the trellis we are making and do some other things around the house. We were also going to make a trip to Costco and I was going to make a blueberry pie. He was up at the crack of dawn wanting to jog, go to breakfast, blah blah blah. The blah is all I hear because it was Memorial Day, I didn't have to work and I was sleeping in. I woke up long enough to move from his bed to the one in my room so he could make it. I stumbled out of bed around noon. He was in the gagage putting trellis pieces together. He had already gone to the gym, jogged, and hung out at the coffee shop. I poked my head out to ask if he needed any help. He said no, so I curled up on the couch and feel turned on "Harold and Maude". I feel asleep before it was over and was woken up to my friend and her sister dropping by to ask if I wanted to go for a walk to get free ice cream from Beth's bf's work. I asked Cain if I could go play with my friends, he said yes, but wasn't acting very pleased.

We went for the walk, and two hours later after stopping at the store for picnic supplies I asked if Alex and Beth (along with Alex's dog and Beth's daughter) wanted to come over and help me paint and picnic in the yard. At home, Cain was starting to Bar-B-Q for him and our roommate. He was kinda thrown when we got there. He likes to be a prepared host, with enough for everybody and a minimum of unexpected guests. Alex sensed his irritation and offered for them to go home and eat if he wanted. He paused..a bit long..and it was obvious he wasn't into more guests so they left. They apologized for getting me into trouble..and I replied that I wasn't the one in trouble. I was pissed. I want my friends to feel welcome and was angry with him for not doing that. I let him have it...after an hour of silence while I did some of the work I was supposed to. After we had it out...I felt a little bad because we did have plans together. Thats when Cain surprised me by getting on the phone with Alex, apologizing, and inviting them back over. He also accepted the offer of us all going to see "Grindhouse" that evening. The fact that he did that melted away my anger and we had a nice snuggling time together before the movie.

3. I miss being the hottest one at my house. There seemed to be less competition when I was single. We have an open relationship, so sex outside the relationship is ok...but dating and other relationships are not. Well, my partner is hot. A lot of guys in town want him...and sometimes seem to use me to get to him. I've had a few instances where someone is over and keeps asking about him. A few times his entrance has taken the attention off of me and right onto him. We are both different types...so guys are usually into one of us more than the other. I love it when I come out the winner...but I'm less than thrilled when the opposite is true. We were out at a bar once, obviously together, and a little ho even came and put his number in Cain's back pocket! Oh Boy I was kinda peeved. OK...the note said the guy wanted tagged teamed..but still...If I was a drunk lesbian I would have thrown down!

I was going to make this a list of 6, but my reason number 2 was pretty damn long. There was also something about how I wouldn't mind missing a lack of talk radio, CNN and Meet The Press that my politically active, very informed, super intelligent boyfriend likes to have on. A lot. But then I would miss him even more.

Disney Survey

Um...I didn't make it up..but I answered the questions honestly/

1...What was Captain Hook's name before it was Captain Hook? He was Captain Palmolive because he had such Beautiful hands and he always soaked in Palmolive and he was known for miles around as the guy with the cutest darn hands you've ever seen.

2...What was the Big Bad Wolf's occupation? I don't know what you want to call it, but his job was mainly to blow. He was always talking about this job he had to get to, or that blow job he was doing in 20 minutes.
3...Why didn't the Queen in Snow White have a name? You mean Cheryl? She has a name. That's little ol Cheryl Ann Rutabaga. We were good friends until those dwarfs got a hold of her. Vicious things those dwarfs.

T4...Why did Cruella De Vil prefer Dalmatians? Isn't it obvious? Dalmatians are only like the sexiest thing on 4 legs. Hot.

5...Which was the Queen Of Hearts favorite card? That my friend is where the tragedy lies. The queen of Hearts hate cards, card games, gambling of any sort. You see, in this end she mostly hated herself. Oh and that bitch Alice. Ohhhhh she hated that little shemale. Oh you didn't know? Alice was a chick with a dick.

6...What drove the Mad Hatter insane? If you stop and think about it, maybe he is the sane one. Maybe. But it was kind of weird for him to chop all those people up and serve them at tea parties. And he was always on PCP, that stuff goes to your head.
7...How did the Headless Horseman lose his head? Oh he has one. It's just so much smaller than the other boys that it didn't really make a difference.
8...Why wouldn't Peter Pan grow up? Peter Pan did grow up, kind sir. He was making a fortune as a hustler to the …you know..the Pedos….they bought his whole never growing up act and paid out the nose. That Peter was one sick son of a bitch.But he made a real good potato salad

9...What common household object would you turn into in Beast's castle?

Don't turn into a candle stick…take my word for it. The beast is one wild sex animal, but that Belle is twice as bad. That girl is a sex pervert and there ain't nothing remotely phallic shaped safe in their house.

10...How did the Seven Dwarf's get their nicknames? Lets see. Grumpy was always coming off some drug binge or another and that come down can be kinda yucky. Dopey, well he never came down a day in his life that boy was always high. Oohh weel he was . I saw him drink a whole case of cough surup once and try to shoot up some Red Bull. God he was retarded. Um..Doc was always pretending to be a Obgyn and tricking the girls at the Dr's office he set up. Lordy did he get in some trouble back in '86 I believe. That was a mess. Sleepy was a heroin junkie. Sneezy, poor thing was dying of some kind of Cancer. That was a mean nickname if you ask me. Which were the other ones? Snoopy , that was his real name.

11...Did scientists name the last planet 'Pluto' after the disney dog? They named a big rock after the disney dog, but that wan't a planet. Size does matter sometimes .

12...Why is Mickey Mouse's voice so high? He thinks he should have been born a girl mouse.hes one of those transsexuals…or transvestites, or trans gender. Either way he takes drugs to sounds like a girl and he has the nicest rack I've ever seen on a mouse. Or any rodent for that matter.

13...Which did Alice prefer: Eat Me or Drink Me? She preferred to dick slap above anything with that huge cock she had. That Alive was a shemale.!!

14...How long did Pinoccio's nose grow? He says 10 inches, but it wasn't a bit over 6.5. We were close one night and I know.

15...What did Cinderella lose after the ball? It wasn't her virginity like she claims. That girl had been twiddled and twadelled by every straight man in Fairytown. And for cheap too. Lordy.

16...Why does Donald Duck wear no pants? he was obviously an exhibitionist. Him and Daisy used to get off on an audience while they were ducking. I didn't complain.

17...How did Bambi's mother die? Auto asphyxiation.She used to masturbate with plastic bags around her head more than any deer i've ever met.
18...What made Quisimodo attractive to Esmerelda? She was a pervet. She liked to get high and have sex with the poor retards. She was a sick bitch she was.

19...How does Winnie The Pooh smell? Like stinky butt. With a hint of honey.

20...Why was Tinkerbell the only female in Neverland? That girl didn't want to share. I've seen her in action. Damn was she insatiable. I'm gay and I even got some of that .

21...What were The Three Pigs names? I just remember the one ….Dick Cheney.?

22...What did Sleeping Beauty dream about? accidentally going to school naked without studying for the big test. And falling.
23...What was Robin Hood's first theft? that bastard took my virginity. He did leave me a nice bag of gold though. Nice fellow.

24...What made Goofy, goofy? His mother drank a lot . He has fetal alcohol syndrome. You shouldn't make fun. Its amazing what he can do considering .

25...What was Prince Charming's worst habit? He listened to a lot of crapy music. He loed Celine Dion. Oh, and he used to always leave little trimmings of his pubic hair all over the place when he visited. He was fucked up.

What Would Jankey Choose

It's one am..I just got home from work, and I started thinking to myself "What the good people of myspace need are more lists of things that I like. There are billions of poor lost souls out there searching for something, anything to fill the empty places in their life." (not convinced? try reading it in a wise matronly British accent, a Mary Poppins voice if you will... thats how I thought it and I believe whatever that voice tells me).Perhaps what they are searching for are quality movie, music, book and TV picks that are Jankey approved. Who do I think I am to deprive anyone of such a small gift. I'm not so special to ignore this mission..but my What would Jankey Choose All Star Wednesday picks are good. They are That Good.
Seriously, I needed something to fill the gap between my semi- regular Tuesday horoscopes and Sex Blog Thursday so here are a few things I recommended from the pop cultural landscape.

Movies. What qualifies me to recommended movies to you? Well I work in the glamorous fast paced world of movie rentals. duh! And one of the things that makes my life so much better than yours is that I get to rent movies a week before the rest of the world does. So unless you've done something extreme, like seen it in a theater, I may give you a heads up on what to look for and what to avoid. Thats assuming I don't have any late fees because when you work there you can't owe anything at all or they won't let you rent. And pre-streets (thats what they are called in the biz) are only one day rentals so its easy to get late fees. Don't look for any prestreet recommendations today though...I have late fees. And besides..nothing B movie crap comes out next week anyway.

A. Pans Labyrinth.

OK, in all seriousness this in one of the best movies to come out for rental in a while. Visually it is outstanding which means it stands out from the pack. (sorry..is the snobby know it all voice outwearing its welcome?I'll tone it down.) It is a Spanish movie set in fascist Spain in which a young girl and her mom go to live in the country with the mom's new husband, a sadistic ultraviolet general who is trying to crush the guerrilla resistance in the surrounding woods. The movie is a fairy tale really, more Brothers Grim than Mother Goose. The girl soon discovers a bizarre magicical world hidden just beneath the hopeless reality of her own. A horned Pan-esque creature called a Fawn sends her on three character testing missions as things continue to get worse at home. Thats all I'm giving away from the plot, but I will give you a couple of heads up, because that's just what I do.

First, this is not a fairy tale to show your kids. It is brutally violent in places and the scary monsters will give them nightmares. There was one scene in particular where I had to look away from the screen and every time I glanced back what I couldn't watch was still happening. The violence isn't glamorized but it is frightening...

Second, the movie is in subtitles. That fact alone has turned so many people away from seeing it which is sad. You wouldn't believe some of the ways American movie watchers react to the shocking news that movies are made in other languages. Its become standard practice this last week to warn people about the subtitles after mass angry calls and returns.
One woman I warned got into an angry racist discussion with a lady next to her in line. "Why do they have to go ruin good movies like that?" she asked dumbstruck. Apparently we had shattered her illusion that the rest of the world is either too poor and/or stupid to make thier own movies. And how dare they inflict their language on us. We are Americans dammit. Both ladies agreed that the last thing you wanted to do was listen to Spanish of all languages. Not on purpose. The fact that the womans husband is Cuban had little affect on her view of the Spanish language. It always surprises me that people can be so willing to give such rude and racist opinions to strangers, confident that everybody will agree. It seems that around here (Oregon, I can't say for other places) Mexicans are a group that it is becoming frighteningly popular to talk bad about . Another woman,(who was Russian) after I informed her of the whole subtitle businessjust kept repeating over and over like a mantra "Thats Stupid. ugh. Thats stupid. Thats so stupid." And to answer the number one most asked question of the week...no we don't have any copies just in English. Yes, all the copies on the shelf are in Spanish and its not gonna do you any good to go to Blockbuster because it's not just our company with the bad taste to put foreign movies on the shelf. Sorry, that was a rant...but jeez. It can really make you lose respect for people. More so than if they are big renters of Steven Segall, Van Damm or Jessica Simpson.

B. Sherry Baby.

If I had to describe this movie in one word it would be ....honest, but I'm going to use a few more words. You know me, a regular Chatty Cathy. It stars Maggie Gylenhal as a woman just released from prison and dealing with trying to start a new life without falling back into the heroin habit. Her brother and his wife have been raising her young daughter, the system seems to work against her and shes got herself a real fucked up relationship with Daddy dearest. This movie could easily gone the cliche route of bringing out the sad music when we are supposed to cry and telling us everyapect of these characters pasts that explains why they are what they are, but it doesn't .You can infer volumes from the way Sherry fights for her dads atttention at a family gettogether.Maggie Gylenhal was robbed of an Oscar nomination which she clearly deserves for so completely bringing this character to living, breathing, damaged life.

Books. Since this has turned into a monster I will only do one book pick today. I was going to do a whole section of how fucking awesome Chuck Pahlonick is complete with all kinds of interesting facts but I want to get to bed and you are probably halfway out the door to the video store. Chuck wrote the book that became the movie "Fight Club" with Brad Pitt and Edward Norton. I like that movie a lot, but it one of the only books by him i haven't gotten around to reading yet. But I have read "Choke" and so should you.

Trying to summarize one of his novels is like teaching Spanish from a Taco Bell menu. It won't do it justice and won't really tell you anything about the real story. OK fine..the main character is a sex addict who works in a cheesy Colonial Village with his loser friend who is always being locked in the stockade. He gets extra money by pretending to choke in restaurants, which gives someone else a chance to "save his life" which somehow ends up with them writing him periodic checks. Oh, and his mother was a crazy extreme activist who did things like switch the labels on colors of hair dye in the store or release the animals at the zoo. Go read it. At the very least it will make you that much hipper.

Music. Download
"When the Sun Goes Down" by the Arctic Monkeys "
Nasty Naughty Boy" by Christina Augularia
Crooked Teeth" by Death Cab for Cutie
"Apology Song" by the Decemberists
"Jolene" the Dolly Parton and the White Stripes version
"Needle in the Hay" by Elliot Smith
Angie Baby" by Helen Reddy
"Trailer Trash" by Modest Mouse
"Papa Don't Know (What Mama's Gonna Do Tonight)" by the New Pornographers...and since thats a remake get another one of their sons..try "Ballad of a Comeback Kid"
"Kissing the Lipless" by the Shins
"Superstar" the Carpenters and Sonic Youth version. compare the versions and also listen to the words and see if it's what you always thought it was about. Did you think it was about a crazy stalker who lets a rock star fuck her while he's playing in her town then tells her "Maybe I'll be back again someday" and she obsesses like a psycho over him. hey..thats just my take on it. Maybe you hear a love song.
"If you want to sing out sing out" by Cat Stevens from the "Harold and Maude" soundtrack.
At the very least you will have a very interesting playlist while you respond to my blog with some top recommendations of your own.

Tv. If you haven't been watching the most recent "The Real World" you don't know what you've been missing! Psych. I haven't spent much time with those brats or liked any of them since Real World Hawaii...*I miss Ruthie. She was unfairly painted as an out of control alcoholic and forced to go to rehab but now you can't get an audition unless you show up drunk and ready to fuck. You have a lot of recommendations from me already. Watch your season finales and I'll help you find some awesome shows on DVD this summer. Fine, you don't have to twist my arm. Your assignment is to watch at least the first two seasons of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and write an essay discussing Angel going scary evil as a metaphor for a guy suddenly turning into a different person the morning after a girl sleeps with him.
What are you waiting for. Didn't you ask for my advice on what you should fill your head with? You didn't? Oh...well I'm still asking yours. What are some of your favorites this week? I hate to tag people because who knows what will happen to my fragile ego when my call to action is ignored...but you have my permission to tag yourself. Or fuck yourself for all I care.(I care. if you want to write about your favorite ways to do that I'm all ears.)

12 Things You Were Never Meant To Know About ME!

1. I don't usually cry over real life things, but I let the flood loose watching tv or movies or when reading. There was this Tide commercial where an older college age brother gave his little brother a shirt..he was like 9 and he loved that shirt. He loved it so much the mom wouldn't wash it in anything but Tide and it always teared me up. Spider man 2 also made me cry during the runaway train scene when the people Spider man saved gave him back his mask and said his secret was safe with them. I was crying buckets and trying not to let the people around me see.

2. When I was 21 I took a much needed break from my distructive party lifestyle and rewarded myself by taking a trip to Europe. The plan was to hitchhike around the continent like a book from the 60's I had read. I had read about a US company that bought tickets for stranded Americans so I got a one way ticket to Amsterdam. I got mugged right after I left the train station and the comapany that I had read about was out of business so I was stranded in Europe.Well the backpack was too fucking heavey so I didn't do much hitchhiking. I never even left the city. I moved in with Aad Van der Whall whom I met at a posh sex club there. I stayed 3 weeks and my grandpa bought me a ticket home. I will blog about this in detail soon
.

3. When I kill a spider I leave its body on the wall as a warning to other spiders not to enter my domain. I figure if I was in the jungle and I saw a human head on a spike I'd go the other way..so maybe the same is true for them.

4. I've been watching soap opera's since I was in the 8th grade. I used to skip school to watch One Life To Live. At graduation the valedictorian said they hoped to see my acting on OLTL real soon. I just love continuing story's. Thats also why I like Heros and Lost.

5. I read my mothers copy of Flowers in the Attic when I was in 4th grade. I can't believe she thought that was appropriate, but I didn't understand the incest stuff anyway.

6. My favorite number is 214. My first apartment was that number...I met my first "love"/obsession on the 2nd...we had sex on the 14th of the next month. It was Buffy the Vampire Slayers dorm room. It's also Valentines day.

7. I love making collages, cards, scrapbooks, signs, etc. I love stickers. Its one of the best gifts besides a gift certificate to Powells books that I could get. My partner says instead of flowers at my funeral there are going to be stickers all over the place.

8. I love to hear about people's kinks, fantasies, secrets, regrets, sexual experiences, etc. I love truth or dare for the same reason. I rarely if ever judge and the only thing I can't hear about or watch is probably anything scat related.

9. When I was a CNA we were moving a recently deceased resident and his head turned onto my arm and he kinda threw up on me. ughh. That was my first exposure to a dead person...I handled it fine until I was back in my area then I kinda freaked for a minute.

10. I want to dress as one of the wonder twins for Halloween. I just need the other twin. Jenny from the blog (All That) are you listening?

11. I am a compulsive truth teller. I tell way to much info and share things that most people would never admit. I am good with a secret however. I get off on knowing secrets. The only really taboo subjects are anything number 2 (as in bathroom) related, taxes, or my student loans.

12. I am difficult to shock. try me.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Best and Worst of 2006

Shit damn fuck shit fuck....and another damn

well it was time for the Best and Worst of 2006 year end extravaganza where I convinced myself that my opinion was so damn good that y'all needed me to make some lists. But as I was finally finishing it I lost all that data. So for now I will write the top ten movies of the year but leave out those long ass explanations that make it all worth it for you. The constantly needy reader. But I am not writing it out again in full now.

And these are only the movies I saw., I'm sure if I saw Borat it would be number one..but i didn't.
Best Film of 2006
(that I actually saw, and can remember )

10. Pirates of the Caribbean 2-Dead Man's Chest.
9, The Devil Wears Prada
8.Monster House
7.V for Vendetta
6. Slither
5. Akellah and the Bee
4. Thank you for Smoking
3.Sarah Silverman's Jesus is Magic!
2. Hard Candy
1.Little Miss Sunshine
(updated )(tie) 1- Sherrybaby
I may go back and write something up explaining myself...but I just cant bring myself to do it now.

Worst Movies of 2007
in no particular order
1.Lady in the water.. I tried to watch this movie 4 freakin' times and cant stay awake for this retarded "fairy tale". Boring!

2. Benchwarmers- I couldn't make it past 5 minutes. Maybe it got good after that, but I wasn't sticking around to find out.

3. Poseidon.- There's no Shelly Winters swimming to save lives but losing her own, no Earnest Bourgnine and his new wife the former whore and no catch theme song "There's got to be a morning after" sung in orange pantsuit leisure suit things. The cheesy camp is gone and is replaced by an even worse cheese that takes itself too seriously even though it couldn't even make a decent disaster flick.
4. Date Movie- The worst movie I have probably ever seen. Nothing good about it...well I love Allison Hannigan, but the girl made a wrong choice. Its not like a it was so bad it was good movie. it was just bad.