Dear Diary..on America's birthday I became a Man

I
think I may have joined the ranks of semi responsible adult on the 4th,
at least on the family scorecard. The reason for such a drastic image
change is due to the Holiday miracle that was my Independence Day
Bar-B-Q. Yes faithful reader, I was trusted to host a family event and
not only did it not end with me blacked out in jail for arson or with
me going to another party having forgotten about my own but it was a
success!

I should probably give credit to my partner in crime, Cain, without
whom it would have not been nearly as awesome. We threw the party
together the night before, having originally planned to just go to the
blues festival. It was all last minute, but thats the way I roll. heh.

This was also the first time any of my family or friends from back
home had been to our house, and if it went differently it might have
been the last.

You may not get what a big deal it is, but even thought I'm the
oldest cousin, the idea of letting me be responsible for the entire
holiday is usually not very realistic. My cousin Christina is the
obvious choice and the face that she is an incredible cook doesn't
hurt. But she welcomed the chance to not have to spend all her money
and clean the house before and after the guests arrived.

Cain gets an A+ in party throwing. We had candy necklaces and glow
bracelets for my nieces (best friends girls...but close enough), red,
white and blue little mini fans, and so many flags I worried the
neighbors might think I was a Republican. I even bought a slip and
slide like water thing...a water hop scotch sprinkler to be exact. So
what if I broke it almost immediately. So I'm a little over the
recommended age range.

The real test would be the potato salad. My cousin makes what could
modestly be called a fan favorite. I think the promise of Christina's
potato salad was the extra incentive that lured Sarah over here instead
of on board a yacht watching fireworks on the river. I don't presume to
claim it was as good as hers, but it was close. And Christina was
impressed that I made her a special batch without pickles, something
nobody had done before.

That potato salad was actually the source of at least 4 fights Cain
and I had over the course of two days. The salad represented a lot more
than just a summer side dish in my mind and any suggestions or anything
short of applause didn't really go over to well with me. Yeah..I was a
sensitive bitch. But I admit my lunacy most of the time.

I also got kinda buzzed, much more than I have in a long time.
Surprisingly it was the closest to drunk Cain has ever seen me, which
is shocking considering just a couple years ago I was drunk every
night. And was quickly reminded why I drink less the next day when it
was brought to my attention that apparently I can be kind of a dick.

I had no idea he was mad, but looking back it makes some kind of
sense. I was sharing stories and details about some personal things
with my friends that embarrassed him. But they got big laughs! I'm a
sucker for a good audience and its hard to stop when I'm on a roll.
Just anther aspect to my personality thats kind of whorish.

I found out he was upset the next night, and by that time he had
promoted the incident to the post of officially a big deal. This is how
we differ. When I'm mad or upset you hear about it almost immediately.
Or you get the deafening silent treatment. Either way I react in the
moment. Cain lets it stew, while he decides what he thinks and how he
feels about the particular offense. And while he decides he wants to be
alone. As in he wants me to give him some space. As in he is ok with
going to bed mad, while i work up a good amount of anxiety in my room.
I hate going to bed mad as much as I hate it when he goes all silent
and cold.

Instead of going into anxiety attack mode I did what always makes
me feel more in control.....I went into some serious craft time. I
made a card that acknowledged that I was a dick and had taken him for
granted. Inside the card I put my secret weapons. Homemade coupons.
valuable ones.

1. I Owe You one blow job to be redeemed anytime and place of your choice.

2. I Owe You one Top to Bottom Room cleaning. Room of your choice.

3.
a Give Me a Break card. Anytime I am bitching, whining, freaking out or
obsessing on something or just being annoying he can hand me the card
and I will promise to stop and at least fake a pleasant mood.

4. 1 Get Out Of Jail Free Card. This
is a big one. He can bail himself out of any big trouble he's gotten
into with me with this card. He could have used it when he was off
slumming around on my birthday while I sat at home plotting his
downfall.

I also wrote a card that promised that the subjects that I was blabbing
about to my friends that are sensitive to him would no longer be topics
I would discuss with others.

The cards worked. He was happy and I got out of having to actually
discuss the way I acted that caused the trouble in the first place.
Gee...sorry about how long and boring this blog was. This will just be
one of those rare times I use the blog like a journal. Next time I'll
warn you with some Dear Diary heads up in the subject. Now I owe you
some of those damn cards...fine. I Owe You one Blow job.....

quid pro quo 2. Sluts, Whores, sexual definitions and porn!

Ok, in my last blog I bitched about the times when someone expects you to be representative for the whole gay community because in many ways I'm not . But I realize that there are generalizations and stereotypes for a reason, because in many ways I am typical or at least similar. And another Gemini trait is enjoying passing on information...and some of it's true even. So...why don't we share our info with each other.
1. What do you define as sex? In other words..when I am asked how many sexual partners I've had in my life I honestly have no clue. Guess a big number. Now times it by 3 and we might be close. But realize that I'm not talking about people I've fucked or been fucked by. I don't have penetrative sex every time I mess around with somebody. If we are only counting people I've fucked the number is significantly lower. It's probably still in Whore Country, but lower. Most straight friends and lots of the gay ones I've talked to only count fucking as sex. Anything else is irrelevant. But If I'm getting naked with someone and fooling around and getting off..it counts as something. I think it's all kind of arbitrary. You got sexual with someone. Not counting acts such as oral sex only really means anything if your trying to protect your reputation or your (gasp!) virginity! It just seems really middle school to me, so I don't distinguish between the type of sex act. It's all basically sex to me. But...other people think different due to their personal experiences. What do you think?
2. FYI- when I use words like whore and slut I don't mean them derogatory. I mean them in the most sex positive way. Unless the context is you not respecting me in terms of my boyfriend. Then I mean slut as in you dirty skank ho. I know it can be confusing..so I will try to use skank or ho when I'm using it negatively. And then it has nothing to do with how much sex you have with how many partners. It's more of a character thing. Or a angry thing on my part. So next question...what do the words slut or whore mean to you (other than a slut gives it away when a whore gets something else out of the deal). When is a large number of partners too many or too gross or too slutty whorish?
3.I read a study on the differences between gay and straight porn, and it was fascinating. I could probably just blog about that sometime. One difference is the amount of kissing actually. Apparently, and I don't have much first hand experience with straight porn, there isn't much kissing in them. There's not kissing in every gay porn...but its usually there. Is there no kissing in other porn? I've heard another difference is the attractiveness of the guys. I have conflicting accounts on this though. I've been told that the men in gay porn are a lot hotter, with better bodies because straight men don't want to see hot guys. It also makes it more of an everyman kinda role being played on the screen. But I've had lots of gay men tell me the opposite. I hear the guys in bi porn are the hottest with the biggest dicks. I'm no virgin to porn at all...but it's usually only gay porn. I know guys that have bi porn on the off chance they get a straight or bi guy over, but I always feel kinda wigged out watching it. Like I'm violating the girl and myself by watching her. I can see the nastiest degrading sex with two or more guys and don't feel that way however. But I respect women...heh.Plus vagina kinda turns me off. If your straight can you watch gay porn? Bi? My friend Melissa used to be memorized by the gay porn playing at Silverado on the TV's when we went for a drink. I always found that interesting. 'But I don't imagine that two guys fucking is usually the same for women as lesbian porn is for most men. Excuse me...thats Man made lesbian porn. Lesbian made lesbian porn in a whole different ballgame. (it's a ball free game actually).
The study also stated that porn is a lot more taboo in the hetero world than in the gay society. I know for me and most gay men I watch porn with that its a lot weirder if you don't have any than if you have a library of it. What do you think?
I guess I have a lot of topics here. Tell me your thoughts on porn in relation to this if you would. So if you want to join in ..please....we're talking about sluts and whores and is what do you define as sex and are you watching porn while doing it? lol

A quid pro quo

2:16 PM - A quid pro quo
Current mood: contemplative

The idea that I represent the "gay community" for some people has always been kind of weird. On one hand, it appeals to the Gemini in me that in certain circles I am considered exotic, scandalous, risqué and a curiosity. I even sometimes wear the badge of slut/deviant/ perv with pride. Thinking of myself as some dangerous x rated soap opera villain is a lot more appealing to me than the virginal Sandra Dee that the audience is supposed to root for.
I've never really hung out with gay men in friendship type situations. For the most part I have a lot of close straight female friends (my best friend is a lesbian) and for many of them I was the only gay person they knew. I remember when I worked weekend doubles at a nursing home in McMinnville some of the girls (well, women. mostly my mom's age) would be fascinated with my exploits during the week. I was in a totally different world and had much more interesting and naughty stories to tell during our long weekends together. I enjoyed shocking them with such a tame story as going on stage and losing my pants and underwear for beads during Portland's Mardi Gras week and seeing how truly crazy they thought I was. But it feels creepy thinking about how that story might be retold later as a case study in the life of the typical homosexual. ("They like to get naked in public with all the other gays. My gay friend Brandon does")



I remember a couple years ago being kind of overly upset because a hot ex Mormon boy I had a weekend of excess with had moved onto someone I had introduced him too. (I have a fetish for ex Mormon boys. The few I have had the pleasure to know still had all the politeness and wholesome appearance but were the wildest beasts when you got them naked) I was telling my co-worker Vicky about it and she just couldn't keep up with the important details of the story. She would get stuck on aspects that I found to be minor details and I was losing patience explaining them.
"You had sex the first night you met?" She gasped. ..
anyway.,....
"He had sex with you and then with another guy the same day!!" she exclaimed, her eyes bulging.
Forget it!
Sometimes it feels like people in different subcultures are foreigners with ways different than my own. I would rather they be the curious picture snapping tourists than self righteous moralizer, but it can be tedious.
Usually though, it doesn't upset me.It's more funny than anything. I wrote a blog a couple months ago that got the attention of someone that has become my favorite myspace blogger and she pimped it out to her huge circle of friends.(shout out to all that). It was one of those 7 deadly turnoff's blogs and thankfully it caught her attention which led to a quite a few others making connections with me. I bring it up because I found it amusing that I got the comment frequently that it was nice to read about another perspective and that it was enlightening to get the gay perspective on these things. The funny part is how disturbing the idea that I be a representative would probably be for any number of people in the gay community. I don't bring this up to call out anyone who said that or that feels like that. It's just a disclaimer that I may be a representative for some people, but I'm not the GLBT community's official representative. At least not yet
It's just a curiosity I am musing on today. It has actually brought up a lot of ideas I want to blog about, and I'm finding it hard to reign them all into one cohesive blog, so I think I'm going to break it up into a few topics. And since I'm on a blogging roll look for them real soon. I just want to explore the ideas of subgroups, the differences between us, and what we can learn from each other . A quid pro quo if you will. Oh yeah...I have a few things I want to find out too. Don't think you just get to be a voyeur in all this. I like to watch too. Remember , I'm a deviant perv. And proud of it.

NO. It Can't Be. Am I Becoming My Mother?

Well I didn't end up getting any sleep since I passed out writing that last blog. I went outside to have a smoke..er..I mean to ...yeah to smoke...before I crawled into my big unmade pile of clothes that has overtaken my bed...and the neighbor called me over to try one of her newly grown veggies. We had never talked before, but she is really cool. She is about my age (someone I can go run and play with in the neighborhood) and we are both testing fate by trying to grow things for the first time. She gave me a few bean plants, and a tomato plant and the neighbor on the other side gave me what he thinks might be a cucumber plant. Or a pumpkin. Thats when it hit me. I'm becoming my mother! Except my breasts are much smaller and I don't daisy duke shorts. (I know! It's like MOM it's not 1982 or 1993 and I don't want to see that. but hey...if you got it flaunt it).

Just as I was about to bitch about how I'm becoming my Mother...I realized I don't hate it. As long as it just pertains to the gardening and talking over the fence to the awesome neighbors. As long as I don't start getting lost in political conversations and start reading a few romance novels a day It's all good. But come to think of it, maybe all those soft core porn novels she always have her nose in have something to do with those embarrassingly loud orgasm like noises that I always dreaded coming from her room when someone stayed the night. I think I'm off to water my plants and start the new Nora Robers book. ....nah!

Total honesty. Relationship builder or killer?

Tell me something you've never told anyone. What's the wildest thing you've ever done? You can tell me anything. Really.
Thats the question posed to Amy,a sweet girl next door by her practically perfect fiancée in "Sleeping Dogs Lie", an anything but typical movie I recently rented.
The subject matter of this movie (which was directed by BobCat Goldthwait of Police Academy notoriety) scares most people away from renting it, which is a mistake. As perverse and shocking as the premise is, this is really a touching, funny worthwhile movie. Your wondering what Amy did, aren't you. Well..once in college she blew her dog. She gave it oral sex. (gasp!) But they obviously don't show it and she never does it again. The point of the movie is whether she should tell the man she loves in the spirit of total honesty or if she should keep that one in the vault. All Hell breaks loose during a visit to her family home when the sins of the past are revealed. By the end of the movie, the lesson is that there are some things better kept secret.
I'm assuming most of us don't have a lusty one nighter with a Lab back in college to worry about, but we have done other things we don't want on the cover of the family newsletter. In order for a relationship to be healthy, how important is a policy of complete honesty?
In terms of kinky experiences and forbidden fantasies I'm confident I've told my partner all the kinkiest, which are thankfully turn ons in his case. Granted, theres nothing so wild as K9 lovin' in my history. I think it is a relationship builder that I'm not worried about him judging my past or my fantasies. I hope he feels the same way and from the things he has told me I think he does.
But are we totally honest with each other? No. If he comes out and asks me point blank about something my compulsion for being honest kicks in, but I don't volunteer anything that would hurt his feelings or cause unnecessary stress. I heard somewhere, as we probably all have, that if you feel the need to be brutally honest you are probably being more brutal than honest. I've had to check myself sometimes with my own brutal honesty to be sure of my own motives before jumping on my soapbox of Truth. I say I want him to be totally honest, and when I'm at my most masochistic you could swear I'm looking for something awful that will cause unneeded pain and suffering. Why else would I want to know what bad things someone may be saying about me, for example. I know I'm not alone when it comes to digging where I shouldn't be digging. But when I'm being rational I'm glad my partner loves me enough not to say some things, especially if they could only do damage.
So how do I feel about total honesty? Honesty and trust are essential to a healthy relationship. But when it comes to some truths...what he doesn't know won't hurt him.
What do you think about total honesty? As bloggers sometimes it seems like we have no limits in terms of what we will reveal, but what are yours? Have you ever put something out there that was obviously best kept in the vault? Has anyone ever confessed anything to you that you really wish they hadn't?

thats so gay-myspace bulletion addition

Thats so Gay!

I just read a bulletin that asks its readers to add on to the list of things that are "gay." I scanned the long list.which ended up with 113 entries , but only about 7 items were subjects that could remotely be described as gay. They might not be sexually gay, but it is at least conceivable that they might be called "so gay".

#1. Backstreet Boys & #25. NSYNC- Boy bands as a rule are acceptable targets of thats so gay slinging.

#2. High School Musical- I love me some High School Musical, which in and of itself could qualify it as fitting on the list, but the fact is that any musical could be called gay and I would accept it.

#28. fags- its not very nice, depending on the intent of the author, but I'm going to allow it. "fags" are gay.

#36. Ryan Seacrest-Although he is technically probably a metrosexual, it is still an acceptable entry on a dismally ungay list.

#117. two guys making out- an old standby.

Over half of the entry s were different people's names. As in "my brother is gay" or "My English teacher". Hilarious.

A majority of items weren't gay in any way I could find, and I have pretty good gaydar. How could this be you ask? Well sadly, it is further proof that kids today aren't using the word correctly. They use gay interchangeably with stupid or bad, like in the following examples.
10. Backstabers,
16. FAKE AND TWO FACE`d HOES!
46. Breakups
89. Being Dumped = GAYY!.. Trying ta move on = GAYYER!.

All I'm saying is you can use the word as a dis if you want, but it doesn't mean anything if you don't use it more selectively. Here are a few more examples. Watch as I discern whether they belong in the list of approved gay things.

3. school- acceptable if your going to a gay high school, as in a high school for gays. Your school is also gay if is a preforming arts school, like from Fame. Man was that movie gay. If your school is starting to have funny new feelings for another school of the same sex.
(Sulu is so gay...)

11. Snobby preps- This one might work. If they are Amberzombie's then yes, you can use the adjective gay. Also if your a boy and the snobby prep in question is also a boy and every time you turn around his mouth is on your dick.

12. Summer school- Is it a singing and dancing summer school? Is Cher your remedial English teacher? Do they play dance music in between classes? Then it's not gay.

18. Broken elevators!- What the fuck does that have to do with being a flaming queen?

20. Max && Kyle. lmao jk homeworkk...eww.- you thought that was laughing my ass off funny? Really? You might be a douche bag, but a straight douche bag.

21.necrofeliacs- If the poor illiterate soul was referring to super pervs who like to put on some Barry White, open a bottle of wine and put their warm human bits inside cold dead corpses...then thats about as gay as people who like to get thrown up on is heterosexual.

26. Detention- only if you got detention by giving a member of the same sex fellatio.

27. Work over summer- Sure. But only if your working in a hair salon, at a gay bar or on a gay porn set.



42. prank callers- Do your prank callers often judge you by the labels you wear? Do they offer biting comments about the visual presentation of your last get together? Do they sing show tunes unprovoked? Yep, then your prank caller is gay.


47.Yu-gi-oh cards- Like the one where Yu-gi-oh takes it from behind by his leather daddy.

48.haters. Do they hate clothes shopping at Wall Mart? Are they hating on PE middle school memories or SuperCut's? Sure your hater is probably gay.

49.Making Eggs:))- what do they make the eggs do? Preform scenes from Les Mis. Do you make them watch such camp classics as "Whatever Happened To Baby Jane" for their own good?

63. bermuda shorts-definitely NOT gay.

65. people who steal stuff. >people who steal the cherries of other people with the same sexual equipment as themselves. Yes.People who steal copies of "Another Gay Movie" or other gay movies. Probably. People who steal from Payless Shoes, I doubt it.

66. over protective parents. Are they overprotective of their fag hags?

77.George bush- We aren't taking him. Oh no...he is absolutely not so gay.

85. No Phone-think about that one smarty. When I get used to not having a phone I feel the most un gay. My people like to communicate, so not having your phone is also not gay.

92. Girls that lead you on- Do they usually go back to eating pussy after leading you on?

93. Needle dicks-If you go away from this lesson knowing only 1 thing, its that most of us gays are what you call size queens. At least more likely to be into big ones than ..what was that charming phrase...needle dicks.

101.Wiggers (you can like the music,don't act the culture!)- Nice. Extra points for being racist as well as homophobic.

103.NERDY KIDS- I'm sure a few of em are.

104. when they promise they love you but lie- Did they promise to learn you some grammar too? Did they say anything about teaching you self respect?

107.citrus airspray- cuz nothing says I like to eat other boys asses like the smell of a Florida Orange Grove.

Not only does calling everything you don't like gay make you seem a bit homophobic(a big red flag that the homophobe in question belongs on this list) but it takes any real meaning out of the word gay. At least any meaning that actually describes something. Next time thing about some of the gay stereotypes you know and start from there.
To check out a previous post on the subject click here.

Thats so gay

Thats so gay! -an editorial
Current mood: bouncy

Okay kids, gather round for a lesson in the correct usage of the word gay, cuz all the kids these days are using it wrong and it takes away from what the word means....the fact that something totally gay! First off, I have given myself the authority to speak for all gay people on the matter because none of the rest of those fucking queers made it to the meeting.

First off. Gay is not interchangeable with stupid. ex. "His car is so gay!"
This would be right if the car were pink, or if you spot Ken driving one of Barbie's many dream cars. It would even work it were a Suburu station wagon driven by lesbians or anything with a rainbow gay sticker.

It doesn't fit if its just gunky or ugly. Stereotypically gays are more associated with lots of things, but junky, unfashionable and ugly ain't one of em. Yeah sure...theres plenty that are, believe me, but when people start fucking with stereotypes, well then they've gone too far.

Other things that are so gay...Bleached or frosted hair for boys. obviously plucked Betty Davis eyebrows on a boy. Celine Dion, Shakira, Ricky Martin, of course ms. madonna, stuff like that . The words fabulous, sweetie and girl are so gay...or in some cases more truck stop waitress-y. Quiche or Martha Stewart are sooo gay.
Its really simple people. Before you say something is so gay take a minute to reflect. Ask yourself if this is something that is stereotypically associated with the gays. Would you be afraid to be associated with this activity for fear of being branded a fucking cock-sucker..or pussy lover, respectivlly? Or is whatever you want to call gay just dumb and so are you cuz you cant think of any other word for dumb. If its the last one...invest in a good thesaurus. I'll even throw in the first few words. Thats so stupid. or..Thats so retarded. See there you can still be derogatrory towards a while group of pepole but you can do it with proper english. Remember--Know your Steriotypes!

Currently listening :
From a Basement on the Hill
By Elliott Smith

Sex Euphemisms

A big hello and shout out to anybody out there reading this. You must either be unemployed or a shut in. I like to think of you as a hugely overweight person trapped in your tiny little trailer waiting for someone to come along with those Jaws Of Life to liberate you, but in the meantime you figure you might as well do a little light reading. And you choose me. That means so much, what with all the other great choices you've been making. Like becoming a unemployed shut-in. OK.

So I named this little 'ol blog "OH My Stars" and then added the sexy in parenthesis to it so I guess that means it should deal with the good ol sport of S-E-X as well as provide the community with my mystical and sensitive horoscopes. And then i was thinking "what the hell, (when i was thinking it my mind said what the hell like you would imagine John Wayne saying it before deciding to kill a few Indians after smoking a lot of Marlboro's)....um..what was I talking about again? that whole long bit with the parenthesis threw me. OH yeah..so i says to myself ...I says.,.."What the Hell, lets entertain the possibility of throwing in some little nuggets from the worlds of music, TV and the movies...which I like to call Pop Culture. If there's one t thing I'm good at its filling every square inch of my head with useless trivia about such things as...sex, the stars...and the aforementioned Pop Culture. So I guess its not that useless after all. Not if your writing a blog that i like to imagine is a kind of a zine for a bunch of lazy fat cats living off their unemployment. (I was talking about you! yes I was. I guess I imagine my faceless readers as being that really obese mom from "Whats Eating Gilbert Grape" and I'm killing the last few hours you have before your children resort to setting you and your house on fire to avoid everybody laughing at your big dead body. Except that character had a house to burn and your stuck in a little bitty trailer.But its close enough that your gonna be Big Mama Grape to me sugar.!

Its Tuesday and that means its time for some Sexual sexiness here at the blog. No, I'm not doing a live web cam sex show you big perv. I put those on for my paying customers. I was thinking of a wholesome lesson in Sex Words, like the kind your grandmother used to scream at the nurses at that nursing home y'all dumped her at. (To be honest I would have put her in a home too. There's nothing worse than a old lady who screams the word Pussy at you whenever you walk by.)That was a beautiful segue to tonight's topic. Slang words for your naughty bits. We can start with Pussy since your Grandma sure could stand to know a few synonyms for that word. You don't want to discover you have been overusing the word pussy when there are so many other good words for that particularly naughty bit. Here goes: On second thought , my stomach feels kind of funny and I don't want to make it worse with that particular subject. Lets do something fun like words for masturbation instead. I will say i like the word Muffin to describe the girly junk. its cute.

MASTURBATION - 5-Digit disco, a date with rosie palmer and her five slutty daughters, being a virtuoso of the skin flute, beating the snot 'otta Rottney, churning your butter, clubbing the baby seal, collecting a specimen, coming to grips with yourself, Devils handshake, s, Freeing the hostages, freeing Willy, getting jizzy with it, giving yourself a dishonorable discharge, deploying the troupes, tossing the midget, punch the munchkin, self-test, batting one off, or beating your beef. It could be that your either choking the chicken or the bishop or even cranking the cardinal. Instead of announcing to the world that your going to play with yourself you could have the class to refer to the act as killing a kitten or taking your monkey for a walk. According to the good folks at Wikepdia.com you can even refer to it as killing Tony Danza, strangling Pete or stroking Gandolphs beard. In fact there's more ways to not say that your masturbating as there are blind teenagers who got that way by doing it too much. Yes, teenage blindness is on the rise due to constant chicken choking and midget tossing. I'll leave you to think about that . Hell your on the Internet as you sit reading this, I'd be surprised if you weren't "taking Picard up to Warp Speed" or spilling Satan's eggnog a bit yourself. And by spilling Satan's eggnog i was implying that you were masturbating. ..ok...just wanted to make sure you got it. OK . good night kids. And if your palms are getting hairy you know you've been making a few too many deposits in the wank bank.