BJ and Brother Dean Sex Advice for 6/9/07

It's time once again for your favorite sex advice call in show starring a right wing religious zealot and a whorish gay airhead! It's the only place to go to receive practical advice on giving head and to be condemned to hell all at the same time! They are the original odd couple, its BJ and Brother Dean.....

Brother Dean- Good Afternoon Sinners, may God have mercy on your souls. unless of course your souls are dirty playgrounds of carnal desires and disgusting depravity, which I'm sure they are if your an audience member of our show. BJ appears to be late, fornicating in the broom closet no doubt, so I'm going to get started without him. While I have the time I would like to bring up my personal hero, James Dobson. He is the brave wise righteous man who is the head of my favorite group, Focus on the Family. He brought up the timely point that a society that practically worships rites such as hard core lesbian sex is headed for doom--

(BJ rushes in and grabs a mic)BJ- Whoa, sorry I'm late.


Brother Dean- Were you fornicating in a broom closet?

BJ-Well, yeah. But I still would have been here in time if someone hadn't locked me in.

Brother Dean- Probably just a little harmless horse play.

BJ-Except they started a fire that nearly asphyxiated us.

Brother Dean- Burn now or burn later...lets move on. I was talking about Focus on the Family and--

BJ-Yeah, right. If you want to talk about that shit get your own show. I have mine. It's an adults only hard core video blog where I do anything the viewer requests. My fans know where to find me.

Brother Dean- Yeah, in the smoldering pits of--

BJ- tsk tsk tsk. Remember, you have to put a dollar in the jar every time you say Hell.

Brother Dean- fine. Lets take a question. Since BJ took all our letter home for apparent masturbation material and didn't return them we are taking this one from Iafrica.com.

"I'm 12-years-old and really want to have sex. Every night before I go to bed I touch my breasts and my clitoris. But I'm dying to have sex. Please help. What can I do?"

Brother Dean- First of all, and I'll try not to judge, I think everyone would agree that your getting a great start on being a dirty little whore. I mean...really. Am I wrong? You need to know that girls aren't supposed to want to have sex. Ever. Sex to a girl is a wifely duty that you must preform but never enjoy. Enjoying sex is for girls like Madonna or Hillary Clinton and other girls who dream of one day being a bride of Satan. Do you want to shame your family and experience eternal damnation in the bowels of Hell?

BJ-Ahhh! You said Hell. Dollar in the jar. OK...my turn. Personally I was also very sexual at that age, which is normal. But I just couldn't get over the part about you touching your breasts and clitoris. I wasn't touching any clitoris at that age and I'm still not. You need to go out and let other people touch your breasts and clitoris and you can get to work touching cock, which is really what you want anyway right?

Brother Dean- My Goodness, she's only 12!

BJ- I'm not saying she should do it now! Wait a few years, and in the meantime you can play Dr. with the neighbor kids. Thats what I did. I was known as Dr. BJ all up and down the street until I was in my early teens. I still see some of my old patients. Speaking of Doctor's, I have an exam with a really hot med student in the alley behind the station. I need to run. Until next time...have a freaky weekend.

Brother Dean- And I'll see you in church on Sunday? right? Oh whatever.

BJ and Brother dean

Channel 214--They are here...to help you....learn more about Sex, relationships and whatever else you dont't know the answers too. Its the BJ and Brother Dean Hour with Bj and brother Dean.




BJ- Hey everybody, how are things out there in online land? We just got back from a short vacation, which I needed. You can only hear the same stupid questions over and over again before you just wanna scream"Quit having sex already!" I mean if you dont know the basics by now then get a new hobby. Right Bro Dean?




Brother Dean- Well I certainly don't recommend you waste your time on a hobby, unless of course that hobby is scanning bible passages for new rules or breaking out in painful bloody stigmata on your hands and feet.. Its obvious the world should be ending any day now, so any time wasted with a hobby would be well..wasted.

BJ- We are going to do something a little special today people. Instead of answering your inane questions over and over again. we are going to answer the 10 most asked questions so far this year. Capiche? Lets go at em...

1. How do I find my PC Muscle?

Brother Dean- You don't. There is no need to discover anything on your body save for the holly spirit. If you don't have it..dont go looking for it. spend your time praying. If its hiding from you then its undoubtedly up to evil. Corienthians chapter 6 verse 19 says "

 
" Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy 
Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You
 are not your own" And God doesn't want you poking around 
looking for your ..whatever it was you were looking for .

BJ- You don't find it by talking all foul and oppressive about

 your fellow Americans using derogatory words and such. If
 theres some blacks on the plane you deal with it. If theres
Mexicans just let them be. I don't know if its still even PC
to be PC so i don;t know if you want to find that muscle anyway
. I know i hate working out..and if I habe to watch that 
everything I saw is politically correct..forget about it.

2.Can you alter the taste of your vagina?

Brother Dean- !! How can you even ask a question like that without bringing your whole family shame. I would just die if I were ..that way. Not even married couples in the missionary position are allowed to taste of each others vagina. I suggest you pour some sulfer and ash on that puppy cuz your gonna be head in' for hell'!

BJ-I;ll have to agree with brother dean here peoples . As a card carying gay I dont feel right about even thinking about the taste of vagina. Not right at all!!

3/Whats your favorite commercially produced sex toy and why?
Brother Dean-I dont't condone any sex toy for any reason, you----

BJ=answer the question Claire. Which is the best?

Brother- I guess I would say a Hypermember 1000 is more my speed., plus it
has those cute little rabbit ears and stuff... ..

5.Does penis size matter?

Brother Dean- It matters if your looking for the devil or one of his lessor demons. I hear they have very large ones.

Is oral sex risky?

Brother Dean- I don't know. That depends. Would you say gambling with your eternal soul, and forcing it to get taken off the guest list in heaven is risky? Do you think its risky to knock knock knock on the devils door and then run away laughing hoping he doesn't just grab you by the balls and throw you in a chair and chop your hair down to nothing? If you think thats risky then i guess so.

BJ- If blow jobs were chicken meals than I would be colonial sanders I've given so many. And I havent caught anything awful yet. Of course I don't get std tested cuz if I did I truely wouldn't want to know anyway...it would ruin all the blow jobs i like to give

5. What is average penis size?

Brother Dean=Rulers are a tool of Lucifer to make those of us that arent't demon big feel small and stubby.

BJ- I don't know what your so uptight for brother...your not all that small like your afraid you are..huh? whats that? you don't want the viewers to know I've seen your man part up close and personal? ok they wont.

6,Why does sex hurt?
Brother Dean- The pain you feel is merely Jesus and his little cherub friendsbegging you to stop having sex. Everytime you have an orgasm an angel gets a staph infection. And those hurt. And they spread. So dont be having sex.

7. Can men have multiple orgasms?

Brother dean- Multiple orgasms are a lie of the devil to make women feel better about not having as hard, sweaty, well defined body as a man.

BJ- I think your cathching a bit of gay brother dean.

8. Where is my g spot?

Brother D- God Question. Your god spot is located just inside your anus between your genitals and your butt hole.
9. What are toxic sex toys?
BJ- I guess the toys that you find out behind the nasty shop on dumpster driving day could be considered toxic on account of the toxic dump spill outside the yard that gets closer to the house every week.I guess when you steal sex toys from the towns oldest woman then you dont wanna ruin it by calling the doctor on you way out. ...

10- Is watching porn ok?

BJ- If you don't watch it theres something very wrong about you. Everyone I know has been in at least a dozen porns.

Brother Dean- Romans 22:15 states "Thou shall not watch the porno from the nasty shop that which is a den of sin. He who is without sin shall cruise the arcade, yet thou shall not suffer a glorified hooker to live. . "It then goes on to warn agaisnt violating copywrite laws...but you get the point. Hell is full of sexually experienced porn stars with fancy tasting vagina's and big dicks watching thieir gigantic porn collections. Does that sound like a plafe you want to end up....or woould you rather strive to spend eternity in Heaven with humorless god fearing folks with me? Say no to everything. have a pious week

BJ and Brother Dean

Now a bonus installment of BJ and Brother Dean's write in sex and relationship advice column. This first letter comes to us straight from a colleague of ours site called...Help me Harlan. Hmm. Thats a funny kind of name. It doesn't really conjure up images of wisdom and advicegivingfullness. Not like BJ.

Sex with Boyfriend Causes Problem
With Parents (um, that's no surprise)

Dear Harlan,

I just turned 18. My problems all started when my parents found

out that I had sex with my boyfriend. My parents took extreme

measures to keep me away from him. I graduated from high school

with honors and am going to attend college in the fall, but I have a

big issue facing me. I love my boyfriend deeply, and I would like to

continue being with him. But my parents said that if I do that, I

must move out of the house. Confused. I'll let Brother Dean take

first crack at this....


Free Image Hosting at ImageShack.us

Brother Dean- I have wonderful news for you Miss Confused.I

promise you that you and your boyfriend will be together for a long

time. Try like for all eternity in the deep bowels of HELL! Do you

think your fancy college and la di da honers are going to get you into

heaven when it turns out your majoring in Whore of Babylon 101.

Well do you Missy? God hates a loosey goosey more than just

about anything. Except the New Agers, he probably hates them a

little worse what with all their gay Mother Earth and meditation

crap. Come to think of it he really hates those gays too, especially

the trouble making ones that want to get married. I mean why can't

they just stay slutty singles and keep on their road to hell and not

bother the rest of us. Sorry, got off on a tangent...I tend to do that

when thinking about all the groups God doesn't care for. The point

is you might as well move out now and get used to the street Missy,

I have a feeling you will end up working there.


Image Hosted by ImageShack.usBJ- You know I don't like it when you start talking

about the gays like that Brother Dean...you know that I'm gay.


Brother Dean-You know I think there will be a special place in Hell

for you BJ.

BJ-Oh, thats kind of you to say. I like special places.

OK..now tothe letter. I would have to disagree with

your advice Brother D. If Miss Confused is interested

in a career in prostitution I think she might have

better luck on Craigslist or an escort angency. Those

street hookers get paid something like five dollars a

blow job and thats just not even gonna be enough to

keep her pimp from smacking the bitch up. I admire

your initiative Confused, but the streets no place for

an 18 year old girl when you could be selling

your ass online. And by the way...you named yourself

Confused?

Yeah thats an original. amateurs.


We stole...er ...received our second letter from some little advice column

called...Ask Hannah or something. Hannah...(snort) I guess if your comfortable

taking advice from someone with a name like Hannah. We think the writer of the

letter will agree that our advice is much more cool than Miss hot stuff Hannah

.
Dear Hana,

My Best friend lies and makes up stories like there's no tomorrow, I
mean she even once told me she was in a GAP commercial, (and
trust me she isn't model material), it doesn't matter how obvious
her lies are, you can't point them out to her cause then she'll accuse
you of being jealous. Playing along with her stories is driving me
nuts.......

— Bud blues
BJ- It's as obvious to me as it is to your friend that your just being

jealous don't be an hater bud blue(what="" kind="" of name is that jazz it up a little. Spice it up). I mean, its pretty petty of you to write abusy advice giver just to trash talk your friend. And what does that have to do with sex? Is anyone screening these letters?Do you have anything to add Brother Dean?

Brother Dean-No I think your pretty much covered it . Quit being a

bitch Buddy Blue.

Our last letter today comes from one originally sent to

lovingyou.com.


Why do guys make you feel like you should do sex even though
sometimes its a nice feeling talking about it even though you shouldn't if
you are a christian gal.


I sometimes get lonely because i am single and there aren't really that
many good guys left. What should i do?





Brother Dean- Whats a nice Christian gal doing writing to a place like this?

That is a trick question because you see, a nice Christian gal wouldn't be reading this blog, let
alone writing dirty Penthouse forum letters to it.

You see, if your talking about sex in a way that gives you a nice feeling then its as wrong
as someone that has actual sex in a position
other than the missionary position.What
your feeling is sin. And its all warm because
your opening a crack to hell.What do you mean
there are no good guys left?Theres Jesus. Isn't he a good guy?

You have the number one good guy in your
heart and all you can do is run all around
town with your filthy mouth talking about
sex, sex, sex.

Your worse than BJ. I'll pray for your
soul.

BJ- I don't answer questions from people who refer
to themselves as gals.


Thats it for our special edition of BJ and Brother
Deans Advice

Line...check us out at our regular day of Friday. Next
time we will discuss

baptisms and the King Kong Dong line of Dildo's.
Plus movie reviews for

"The lives of Saints" and "Cumhungery Buttholes."