your weekly slap on the ass from the stars

your weekly -ish slap on the ass from the stars

Jupiter conjoins with Mars this week, Aries, leaving you with a nasty case of the crabs. NO, not the cute little sand crabs they sell at the Mall. I'm talking about the ones that live in your pubic hair and lay eggs. gross. Nobody have sex with any Aries for this week if you don't want little bugs sucking the blood out of your sexual regions. Which reminds me of a cute little anecdote. A nursing home I used to work at years ago had a call in sheet by the phones with a checklist with all the various reasons employees might call in sick. There was the usual boxes for the flu and cold. But also on the list of reasons why someone might call in was the option of herpes. It made me wonder if someone had actually called in and said they couldn't possibly come in to work because of a raging case of herpes. That really has nothing to do with you though Aries, because there is no box for crabs.

Watch out for roving gangs of horny rabid midgets prowling the streets this weekend committing unspeakable sex acts on every big person that crosses their path. So if you've never been sexually assaulted by a dozen perved out little people, now is your chance to cross that off your list. I know I will.

The laws of Fate are very clear that you should really try not to ever have children. It's a proven fact that if you make fun of someone that is different or that has a handicap Fate will punish you by inflicting that same abnormality on your children. And since you make fun of nearly everybody you come in contact with that is a little...differently-abled the odds that your kid will be a deaf colorblind Jehovah's Witness albino with a hilarious case of Turrets Syndrome are pretty high.They will also watch hour after hour of Dora the Explorer and Bratzs movies when they aren't involuntarily calling you a Motherfucker over and over at the grocery store. Use a condom.

Your starting to grow a mono brow Cancer, but for the love of Jesus don't use a razor and try to shave between your eyebrows. I knew a guy in high school who did that and ended up taking out half of his left eyebrow out in one stroke. Unfortunately he didn't stop there. Once half the eyebrow was gone the only thing he could think of to do was shave the other 1 and 1/2 eyebrows off and make up a story about having a seizure and calling the ambulance. He claimed that the paramedics had to attach electrodes to his forehead and the only way they could do it correctly was by ...you guessed it...shaving his eyebrows off. Man did he look scary. Kinda Frankenstein like. And the sad part is that once I found out the truth and accidentally told everybody what really happened nobody believed him about the whole seizure thing. So the moral of the story is...pluck or wax.

The stars are aligning in just the right position making this the perfect week to take up smoking Leo. Smoke em if you've got em.

You can go right to Hell if you think you so special that you can tell me my potato salad has too much mayonnaise in it Virgo. You heard me. Straight to Hell.

Why do you always lie all the time? Nobody believes any of those far out stories about cool things you've done or neat skills you have. You sure got that lying lier skill down pat. That's pretty neat. lier.


- Everybody's always saying how good you are in bed. "Scorpio is just so good in bed" they say. "Scorpio is a insatiable twisted perv" they say. "Scorpio is so talented with his tongue" they all say. Whatever. You weren't that good. And to be honest...my Grandmother could probably out perv you if last night was any judge. Prude.

You should never have messed around with that Necronomocon Sag. It's just common sense not to go around playing with the book of the dead. Now we have this whole zombie infestation to worry about, not to mention all the flying demon things. Sheesh. Thanks a lot you big ruiner.

Do I even know any Capricorns? Does even one single goat person read my blog? I could whip up some awesome, imaginative horoscope that nobody's ever gonna read or I could save any flares of genius I could waste on you and give it to Aquarius. I think I'll do that.

Don't leave the house this week. Don't answer the phone. Don't read and mail and for the love of Pete don't watch TV. Hmmm...what else? Don't eat any shellfish or eat any farm raised catfish. Don't put your penis in a hollowed out cucumber that was just in the microwave until you are sure its not too hot. Only put it in there for like 4 seconds or you'll get burned. And don't have sex with any Aries or you'll get crabs. Just sit there. And Wait. I'll let you know when it's safe again.

This is going to sound like really far out advice Pisces, but I swear I'm not crazy. This totally doesn't make any sense and it goes against everything you know...but I'm just gonna say it. It might not be a good idea to trust a crackhead this week. I know..they are usually right on the money...oh and speaking of money. Don't loan them any money this week either. In fact it might be a good idea if you hide your money. And if you decide to have sex with one be prepared to get crabs. Even if they aren't an Aries. The crabs are coming down hard on the crack heads and the Aries right now. And possibly the Aquarius too if they do anything besides just sit there. Oh...and Scorpio and Libra look like they have one creepy crawly or another too.Did you just itch your down yonder area? Oh God..between the zombies and the horned out midgets and the crabs this is like...the best week ever! Well..if your into that sort of thing.