Sex with Captain Caveman interview

An interview with my boyfriends friend with benefits who helped us move today Part I

or

SEX WITH CAPTAIN CAVEMAN?!?

Today while we were going through the horrible process of moving I kept my mind on other things by interviewing Dexter, someone who my bf gets together with sometimes who was awesome enough to help with the move. Dexter is in good looking black male in his early 30's. He is also helpful with a big and confident personality. And self proclaimed "wise, passive aggressive, loyal and dominating, but not overly". We had never met before today. The bf was a little concerned with me grilling him for info…what kind of info I don't know, but I kept the questions away from anything weird. Well, that depends on what you consider weird. I think they are perfectly normal questions, but you decide.

Jankey B- I'll start out with any easy getting to know you kinda question. Lets say you are throwing a super sex party. You can invite 2 historical people, 2 fictional character and 2 cartoon characters, one of whom can't be human.

Dexter- For historical I would have Hercules…

JB- I think that's fictional. But he fits here. Who else?

Dexter- who was that guy Brad Pitt played in Troy? Achilles. For fictional character I'll do The Borg and Captain America. For Cartoon character I'd pick Jessica Rabbit.

JB- And for the second cartoon character?You have to pick one non human. And don't try any trick answers like the whole wishing for more wishes. You can't pick superman because he isn't officially human.

After trying to come up with a good alien character he decided on Captain Caveman.....

JB-If your life were a 3 song mash-up what 3 songs would you pick?

Dexter- "I want your sex" George Michael

"You Sexy Motherfucker" Prince

"Pretty Young Thing" Michael Jackson

JB- If you were on death row what would be your last meal?

Dexter- Can I just get some protein from the hot guard? Ok…I'd get some jambalaya

B- What superhero would you want to be and how would you use your power?

Dexter- Green Lantern... I would use my powers to the fullest extent; you know what I'm saying. I would use them for good of course. And to avenge against all the people who have wronged me. ..And intimidation.

JB-Who is the hottest superhero?

Dexter- Wonder Woman.

B- This or That? Highlight the choice you like best out of the two given.

Beatles or Rolling Stones

Sunrise or Sunset

Lindsay Lohan or Hillary Duff

Rape or Plunder

Slut or Whore

Looney Tunes or Disney

Mom or Dad

Lets take a break while you figure out what your going to say to all the poor Looney Tunes whores and your own father when they read this. We'll be right back.

Buffy Saved my LIfe --interview

Interview With one of my partners F@#K Buddies Part II
or

"Buffy Saved My Life!!"

JB-If you were a woman for a day what would you want to experience?

Dexter- Giving birth. Then no one would be able to say I don't know what that feels like.

At this point Cain, Dex and I were discussing the movie Arnold Schwateneger was in where he was pregnant. Here he says how he really likes Arnold because when he used to be an autograph seeker he called to Arnold from the other side of the street and Arnie came back over and shook his hand and signed his autograph. Then Cain and Dexter got into a discussion about Arnold and Politics, which I won't report here. That would make this a political blog and then my boyfriend would probably read it religiously.

JB-What are your favorite autographs you collected?

Dexter-
The lead singer of Living Color
Liberace
Muhammad Ali

JB- whose autograph would you like?

Dexter-

Alyssa Milano.

.

Quincy Jones

Johnny Depp

Ricky Schroeder

JB- do you have any guilty pleasures?

Dexter- I don't really have much guilt.

JB- I mean do you really like something that is a little embarrassing or something like that.

Dexter- I'm not embarrassed. My favorite show is Buffy the Vampire Slayer...

(Here we get into an animated discussion about the coolness and smart writing that is, or was, Buffy. It's my favorite show as well and the fact that he won't watch it is probably the thing I argue with Cain about the most. Dexter goes on to recount how he was depressed for a long time until one day, he was walking through the living room and noticed a show his roommate was watching. He likes special effects and something happening on the screen caught his attention. Yes friends that show was Buffy the Vampire Slayer.)

Dexter- I was depressed for like 2 years, and I never get depressed. After watching Buffy I got out of the house, felt good, it brought me out of my depression. (Another innocent young life saved by Buffy Summers). I went to school with Charisma Carpenter (she played Cordellia on Buffy)..

.

JB- I work at a video store and we have employee picks shelfs. If you had your own shelf what movies would be on it? (FYI- I have a teen movie theme on my shelf as of last night. My movie pics are Heathers, Dazed and Confused, Sixteen Candles, Lost Boys, Mean Girls and I think Saved. The Breakfast Club and High School Musical were checked out).

Dexter-

Heathers (wow, me too...)

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory , the original

Escape from Witch Mountain

Dazed and Confused (second Wow)

Dogma

JB- What horror movie villain would you be most scared to run into?

Dexter- Freddy Kruger.

JB- Which one do you think you could take. Or at least escape from?

Dexter- Leprechaun.

JB- If you could be any other sign besides your own (Scorpio) what would it be?

Dexter- Leo. They are confident and sexy.

JB- Which would you not want to be ever?

Dexter-I guess Aries.

(He couldn't say Gemini or Virgo because Cain and I were in the car with him.)

JB- What's your favorite word?

Dexter-Probably dude. It used to be debonair.

JB- Which stereotypes about being black and/or gay are true for you?

Dexter- (for Black) I can dance.

(for gay) I don't fit most gay stereotypes (that's what every gay person says…)

I don't like to get dirty. And I'm fierce.

JB- Are their any races or ethnic groups you have never fooled around with?

Dexter- I'm pretty universal.

(here are a few other quotes that weren't interview related Dexter was overheard saying throughout the day….)

--"You can do whatever you want. Just don't get caught if it's illegal." (said to Cain who asked if he could turn left somewhere.)

--"I've always loved Dr. Ruth"..

--"Dreams are what movies are made out of."

JB- Thank you for answering my questions and thanks for the help moving. I got what i came here for. This interview is over!

an interview with a porn star

An interview with A porn star....

OK..maybe he's not a porn star, but he has appeared in two adult films. Our subject is a handsome guy who carries himself with confidence and appears to be in his thirties. It's not an exaggeration to say he is pretty popular with Portland's gay ho's...er men...with Portland's gay men. He is sexual, romantic, loyal and passionate. I am interviewing my partner in crime..let call him Dane. or Rain. Just to make it easy we can pretend his name is Cain...hehe.

Jankey B- Hello Cain, I'm glad you could take some time to answer a few questions. Before we start I just wanted to say its a pleasure and judging from your hot and altogether delightful boyfriend you must be a man of taste.

Here we go. If your life was a 3 song Mash up what would those songs be?

Cain- 1.Sheryl Crow's "If it makes you happy":
2. Smash Mouth "Dancing on the sun"
3. Loue Reed "Walk on the Wildside

JB- You are getting a once in a lifetime chance for a super sex party. You must invite 2 porn stars, 2 historical figures, 2 fictional characters and 2 cartoon characters, one of whom is human and one who is not. Who do you invite and where do you have the party?

Cain- The two porn stars would be Johnny Hardon and JoeyStefano. Joey was one of the first power bottoms.He got fucked but he was the aggressive one and he got what he wanted. He killed himself in real life actually.

When I was first coming out I thought Johnny Hardon was really hot. I really had sex with him once at a club in LA when I was 21 or 22. He has a huge cock. He put my legs together and just kinda fucked between my legs because there was no way he was fucking me with that thing.
The cartoon characters would be ...Plastic Man would be the human. He can twist in all kinds of hot positions. You could twist him every which way but loose. He is bendable and accommodating.
The non-human would be Marvin the Martin.I just know he gives an excellent blowjob.
The other 2 fictional characters would be The Incredible Hulk and Peter from Heros.
The 2 historical figures would be Alexander the Great, as long as he looks like Colin Ferrel and the other would be Ronald Regan, because I would want to see him get fucked by the Incredible Hulk.

JB- If your life were a soap opera would it be daytime or prime time? What would it be called? What was your most memorable story line so far this year?

Cain- It would be a daytime soap because they are much longer running. I've been pushing the envelope with the Neilsons for a long time now. I would call it "Oceans of the Sea" because that makes zero sense. (note= Oceans of the Sea is the name of a game my cousins would play when we were kids that I told the subject about thus giving him the chance to steal it from me!).
As far as story, its been a depressing year for me except for one thing. I found a new love interest by the name of ...Zeke. (note- the subject continues teasing me about the name of the said love interest...its me. it better be me.)

JB- If you were given one superpower what would it be?

Cain-Bend people to my will. Like that girl from Hero's. People would have to do what I said. Super Persuasion. You have to come to my house and get naked....

JB-If you were a girl for one whole day what what would you like to experience?

Cain- How bout a college football varsity after game gang bang. That would be different.

JB-Have you ever punched anyone?
Cain- yes. I got in a fight in high school. I don't remember what it was over, but nobody won. They pulled us apart and turned us into the principle's office.

JB-Do you have any guilty pleasures? I like the Carpenters. But I think a lot of people like the Carpenters. I kinda like the Neve ending Story, because I'm certain the actor who played the Aturu grew up to be fucking hot.

JB-Which horror movie villian would you be most scared of running into?

Cain- I suppose Charles Nelson Reilly, because I have nightmares of running into him at a gay bathhouse.


JB-What turns you on?
Cain- Making out with my partner.

JB-Oh..how trite. Now why don't you tell us what really turns you on Cain...if thats your real name. Which it's not, because we changed it to protect the semi innocent. What other things or qualities turn you on?

Cain- smooth twinks with a hot ass. Well you asked. I also like red heads with fire bush.

JB-What really turns you off?

Cain- Men don't make passes at boys with dirty stinky asses.

JB- Your quite the poet. Anything else Ms. Angelou?

Cain-um..

JB-or does everything excite you?

Cain-People who fall asleep and start snoring in the middle of watching porn...

JB- I never did that. Lets move on..

JB-Pick one....(highlight the answer)
a.The Beatles or The Rolling Stones?
b. sunrise or sunset?
c Frank Sinatra or Dean Martin?
d.Make love or Fuck? depends on who it is with
e.Looney Tunes or Disney?
f.stick shift or automatic?
g, Mom or Dad?\
h. Virgin or Whore?
i.sweet or sour?

JB- Which gay steriotype is true about you?
Cain- the one about being oversexed

JB-From today on you must lead a life of major repetition.You can only have one choice among the categories I ask about. For example if I saw color...it means what color would you wear everyday for the rest of your life avoiding all others is the question.Ready?
a.cuisine- Ethiopian
b.TV show- which would get least boring in reruns- ER
c.sexual act- ass eating
d.group or artist- Miles Davis
e.website- Manhunt
f-porn movie- something like Dawson's 60 Load Weekend. It has something for everyone. JB- Finally...anything you want to ask me?

Cain-Do you still feel the same way about me after reading my answers?

JB- If your wondering whether I'm going to change the locks and file a restraining order then the answer is a strong maybe. I'll think about it. But for now...we have like 3 days to move and we're wasting out time on myspace and blogger again!! Damn this crack that is blogging.

.

The stars are casting for this week...

Your bonus horoscope for the weekend/Movie Trivia.

Your weekend starts with no potential as you are forced to spend the whole day Saturday in detention. It gets off to a rocky start when you and the 4 losers you are detained with immediately start fighting each other, but when you start to butt heads with the prick of a teacher supervising you the 5 of you start to get to know each other. All the pot you kids smoke helps with the bonding feeling.By the end of the day you wind up dating one of the students you seem to be most different than...unless your the geek. If your the geek you get nobody. You also leave behind a profound essay that will be the rally cry of a generation..."Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us... In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...
and an athlete...
and a basket case...
a princess...
and a criminal...
Does that answer your question?... Sincerely yours, _____________" What movie does your weekend seem to be plagiarizing?


It really sucks to be you this weekend when your crack head/ho mom and her grabby boyfriend get arrested leaving you all alone. Rather than go to another foster home you handcuff your social worker to your bed and hit the road on a quest to find your grandmother who doesn't even know you exist. Your bad luck continues when you get picked up by a seemingly friendly man (who looks a lot like Jack Bauer from 24) who gains your trust then turns on you. He is really a serial killer who thinks of you as a garbage person. You barely make it out alive by shooting his face all to hell...but the stories not over yet when your arrested by police who don't believe a word of your story. Look for the guys bitchy wife to look just like Brooke Shields. Do you know what movie your weekend is copying?


You will wish you had stayed home this weekend when you and your spouse/partner/whatever you call yourselves go over to a professor and his wife's house for drinks. It starts out fucked up and just gets worse because this couple are a bunch of dramatic, mean, talky alcoholics who try to hurt each other and you and your partner any chance they get. Things get even weirder when they begin to reveal the secret of a child they may or may not have ever had as the four of you get drunker and drunker until the whole world seems to be filmed in black and white. Do you know what movie and play your life resembles?

On your way to visit an old teacher to tell him of your engagement you and your recent fiance get a flat tire during a storm, leaving you stranded out in the middle of nowhere.You wont believe your eyes when your sheltered existence comes to a crashing end with the group of whacked out, crazy, lust driven perverts who inhabit the dark castle you attempt to find refuge in. On the plus side you learn a few new songs and dances and begin your sexual awakening...with a bang! What long running cult classic did you step into?



You have one wild weeknd when you attempt to score some rent money to keep from getting evicted by scoring some Ecstasy and selling it at a big rave. You will find yourself in the middle of a real life drug sting involving a coupul of gay soap stars that will find a real dick of a drug dealer looking to put a cap in your ass. Your crazy night will intersect with the crazy stories of friends and strangers alike on a fast paced night you won't soon forget. What could they call the movie of your life ..at least this weekend? OH...they already made it...whats it called?



I've warned you before about this Virgo, but you seem obsessed with getting on that mother fucking plane with those mother fucking....Well I can't tell you exactly whats on that plane...but there are a lot of them and they are pissed off. The things get put on the plane to kill one eyewitness, but they go after all of you and the chances of getting off of this plane alive get worse and worse as every thing that could go wrong does. You'll be glad Samuel L. Jackson just happens to be on the same flight....what movie could you be living?



You weekend doesn't go at all as planned when you wind up getting your RV taken over by two crazy and violent bank robbing brothers as they try to escape into Mexico. Things go from bad to worse when the strip club you stop at ends up being a haven of the undead. You and some others will fight for your lives against vampire strippers and truckers. But hey, at least you got to drink Champagne out of Salma Hayek's shoe as it runs down her leg. What movie could I be talking about?




you will wish you had stayed home this weekend instead of going camping with a bunch of your sex crazed, pot smoking young friends. You stay at a friends family home near a camp with a bad history that used to be known as Camp Blood.Soon your friends starting dropping like flies when a crazy demonic killer who hates sex, drugs or anything immoral (except, you know, killing teenagers) starts chopping them up. The killer is even scarier than usual because he takes the hockey mask of one of your friends, I think his name is Shelly, and wears this for the first time. I hope your a girl, cuz if your a guy your chances of survival just got even smaller. What movie could your weekend resemble?




Your weekend starts out crazy this morning when, after an argument with your mom, the two of you seem to somehow switch bodies! Now you will learn that the other doesn't have it as easy as you thought they did as you try to live each others crazy day for them without fucking things up too bad. Whether you end up in a water skiing extravaganza, or merely rocking out with your girl group depends on if you more closely resemble Jodi Foster or Lindsey Lohan. Which version of what movie does your life parody?



things get wacky when you find yourself in possession of a magic remote control that you can use on the things in real life. you can fast forward, pause and make everybody speak in Spanish. I never saw the movie that your life resembles so I couldn't tell you much more about it.



This weekend you will start a crazy plan to eat nothing but the food you can find at McDonald's all month long! It will be worse for your health and your state of mind than you can imagine...plus your not gonna seem that original because this stunt was already made into a prominent documentary years ago. what was it called?



Your life as a hooker might finally be over when you meet a rich yet distant business man who hires you for the week. Remember to truly enjoy yourself when the bitches from a Rodeo Drive shop that were very mean to you get a taste of what they deserve when your rich john teaches them a lesson..and then takes you on a shopping spree of a lifetime. Who knows there may be love here yet. What movie did the writers of your life shamelessly copy?

BJ and Brother dean

Channel 214--They are here...to help you....learn more about Sex, relationships and whatever else you dont't know the answers too. Its the BJ and Brother Dean Hour with Bj and brother Dean.




BJ- Hey everybody, how are things out there in online land? We just got back from a short vacation, which I needed. You can only hear the same stupid questions over and over again before you just wanna scream"Quit having sex already!" I mean if you dont know the basics by now then get a new hobby. Right Bro Dean?




Brother Dean- Well I certainly don't recommend you waste your time on a hobby, unless of course that hobby is scanning bible passages for new rules or breaking out in painful bloody stigmata on your hands and feet.. Its obvious the world should be ending any day now, so any time wasted with a hobby would be well..wasted.

BJ- We are going to do something a little special today people. Instead of answering your inane questions over and over again. we are going to answer the 10 most asked questions so far this year. Capiche? Lets go at em...

1. How do I find my PC Muscle?

Brother Dean- You don't. There is no need to discover anything on your body save for the holly spirit. If you don't have it..dont go looking for it. spend your time praying. If its hiding from you then its undoubtedly up to evil. Corienthians chapter 6 verse 19 says "

 
" Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy 
Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You
 are not your own" And God doesn't want you poking around 
looking for your ..whatever it was you were looking for .

BJ- You don't find it by talking all foul and oppressive about

 your fellow Americans using derogatory words and such. If
 theres some blacks on the plane you deal with it. If theres
Mexicans just let them be. I don't know if its still even PC
to be PC so i don;t know if you want to find that muscle anyway
. I know i hate working out..and if I habe to watch that 
everything I saw is politically correct..forget about it.

2.Can you alter the taste of your vagina?

Brother Dean- !! How can you even ask a question like that without bringing your whole family shame. I would just die if I were ..that way. Not even married couples in the missionary position are allowed to taste of each others vagina. I suggest you pour some sulfer and ash on that puppy cuz your gonna be head in' for hell'!

BJ-I;ll have to agree with brother dean here peoples . As a card carying gay I dont feel right about even thinking about the taste of vagina. Not right at all!!

3/Whats your favorite commercially produced sex toy and why?
Brother Dean-I dont't condone any sex toy for any reason, you----

BJ=answer the question Claire. Which is the best?

Brother- I guess I would say a Hypermember 1000 is more my speed., plus it
has those cute little rabbit ears and stuff... ..

5.Does penis size matter?

Brother Dean- It matters if your looking for the devil or one of his lessor demons. I hear they have very large ones.

Is oral sex risky?

Brother Dean- I don't know. That depends. Would you say gambling with your eternal soul, and forcing it to get taken off the guest list in heaven is risky? Do you think its risky to knock knock knock on the devils door and then run away laughing hoping he doesn't just grab you by the balls and throw you in a chair and chop your hair down to nothing? If you think thats risky then i guess so.

BJ- If blow jobs were chicken meals than I would be colonial sanders I've given so many. And I havent caught anything awful yet. Of course I don't get std tested cuz if I did I truely wouldn't want to know anyway...it would ruin all the blow jobs i like to give

5. What is average penis size?

Brother Dean=Rulers are a tool of Lucifer to make those of us that arent't demon big feel small and stubby.

BJ- I don't know what your so uptight for brother...your not all that small like your afraid you are..huh? whats that? you don't want the viewers to know I've seen your man part up close and personal? ok they wont.

6,Why does sex hurt?
Brother Dean- The pain you feel is merely Jesus and his little cherub friendsbegging you to stop having sex. Everytime you have an orgasm an angel gets a staph infection. And those hurt. And they spread. So dont be having sex.

7. Can men have multiple orgasms?

Brother dean- Multiple orgasms are a lie of the devil to make women feel better about not having as hard, sweaty, well defined body as a man.

BJ- I think your cathching a bit of gay brother dean.

8. Where is my g spot?

Brother D- God Question. Your god spot is located just inside your anus between your genitals and your butt hole.
9. What are toxic sex toys?
BJ- I guess the toys that you find out behind the nasty shop on dumpster driving day could be considered toxic on account of the toxic dump spill outside the yard that gets closer to the house every week.I guess when you steal sex toys from the towns oldest woman then you dont wanna ruin it by calling the doctor on you way out. ...

10- Is watching porn ok?

BJ- If you don't watch it theres something very wrong about you. Everyone I know has been in at least a dozen porns.

Brother Dean- Romans 22:15 states "Thou shall not watch the porno from the nasty shop that which is a den of sin. He who is without sin shall cruise the arcade, yet thou shall not suffer a glorified hooker to live. . "It then goes on to warn agaisnt violating copywrite laws...but you get the point. Hell is full of sexually experienced porn stars with fancy tasting vagina's and big dicks watching thieir gigantic porn collections. Does that sound like a plafe you want to end up....or woould you rather strive to spend eternity in Heaven with humorless god fearing folks with me? Say no to everything. have a pious week

28 more things about me

28 more things you don't need to know

1. I hate raw onions.

2.I refuse to eat kalamari, eel, scallops or any part of the chicken that is not
the breast. The dark meat has veins in it and its gross.

3..When I was dumb and young…er younger…I got a badly drawn version of the yellow 70's
smiley face tattooed on my lower right back
a.k.a. my ass…because this bitch Rhonda dared me too. In all fairness I was planning on getting it on my arm anyway.

4. I hated that tattoo with every part of me. I finally got it covered up with a black kind of sun thing a few years ago.

5. I also have a tattoo of puff the magic dragon on my arm.

6.The same day I got the smiley face I got a Chinese character on my ankle which I
think means peace. (I didn't get the tattoo it was actually Billy Joe…hehee)

7.I look like I am going through chemo when I wear a hat

8. I used to work as a nurses aid in a locked geri-psych unit….a place used to lock
crazy older people up. I loved that job.

9. I was store supervisor and person in charge of the book room the two years I
worked at St. Vincent DePaul. I made that book room awesome. I miss working
there.

10, My first memory is playing with the boy next door, naked, in my Grandparents garage when
I was 5 and he was 4. We would spank each other on the butt then kiss it to
make it better. I know…I was a perv even then. I just remember thinking I could
get caught and liking it.

11. when I was 8 or 9 me and my friend Amy would play the I'll show you mine if you show me yours and then some game in wierd places. ..On the platform of the big slide at Wortman Park or in the bushes next to the
middle school.

12. I used to look forward to the new copy of Tv Guide in the mail every week. I was a strange child.

13. At one point I had my ears, tongue, eyebrow, labret belly button and nipple pierced.

14. The nipple piercing hurt the worst by far and I took it out a week later.

15. I really couldn't feel it when she pierced my tongue. It was that easy.

16. I used to be in a lot of plays from the age of 10 to 18. I had a dream of being an actor.
I was going to go to New York and get a job on One Life to Live. Hmm...

17.; I would probably fit in better and enjoy myself more if I worked as a writer on soap then as an actor.

18. When I was 5 my step dad wouldn't let me get a Strawberry Shortcake doll for Christmas ,
so my Grandma got me one as a secret present. It was actually the blue haired
boy doll. I think his name was Huckleberry something. Anyway. my Grandma was
fucking awesome.

19. I never got
the Mickey Mouse talking phone I was promised for getting my school shots when
I was 5.

20. I also
never got the Cabbage Patch Kid that would have been my reward for cleaning my
room for a month when I was in third grade. I really wanted that dolls birth certificate.

21. When I kill a spider by smashing him against the wall I leave his body on the wall as a warning to any other spider that comes this way that it is not a safe; place and perhaps this keeps a lot of the janky monsters away.

22.My mom let me read her copy of Flowers in the Attic in 4^th grade. Innapropriate much?..

23.I am crafty.
I love doing all kinds of arts and crafts stuff.

24. My last
boyfriend hated my crafts. I kid you not he would say the word craft like he
was calling someone a cunt. "You and your arts and crafts" But imagine the
disdain rolling off his tongue.

25. ..;Making collages are my favorite. I love to cut things out of other things and then stick them in something else

..26. Decoupage
is my personal specialty. I love it!I love it! I love it!!

27.I love to
write and I had almost forgotten that until I started tinkering around with
this blog thing last month and now Its all I think about.

.28. The whole
channel 214 idea on here is just my outlet for being different characters. If
my blog were a public cable access channel it could have all kinds of weird but
fun to write for characters like the ultra religious advice guy or stripper
chat.

If I was dating spider man....

While watching Hero's tonight a much hyped never before seen commercial for SpiderMan 3 came on. It was alright as far as much hyped never before seen movie trailers go, I wouldn't plan my night around watching it, but whatever. Anyway...theres a clip that shows Peter Parker and Mary Jane lying in a cheesy looking web kissing that my partner and I both found worthy of knocking down (figuratively, but it deserved a big stick knocking down too..I hate webs). It looked dumb and besides I don't remember spider man ever making big spider webs with his shooting web goo stuff..except maybe in the cartoons.But I started thinking that his little MJ totally wanted it. She probably bitched and made all kinds of remarks and started giving him the silent treatment until he figured out how to put a big fa key web in the backyard so they could kiss and she would start putting out again. Fast forward to my point....Spider man is lucky he's not dating me. I would put all kinds of demands on him and make him sorry he ever revealed his identity to me for starters. Here are a few .

1.(After Spidey gets home from saving the world and I've given him the silent treatment for a good hour....)Where were you all weekend? You said you were just going to stop the green goblin from doing something to the city then you'd be right home! You've been gone for like 2 days! Don't tell me you were fighting with that green freak for this whole time. You were with Cat woman weren't you? I don't give a fuck if shes not in the same comic universe as you...I know how you look at each other. Did she fuck you? Or maybe you were playing with the Green Goblin...all rough and sweaty all weekend. You better not have kissed him.

So there were no phones where you guys were fighting? Whatever...you heard it ringing and just didn't want to answer. It takes two minutes to stop your battle from the rooftops to make a call. I wouldn't be so mad, but you do this every weekend. You say you want to do something together then some supervisions does something and your gone. Why don't these crazy fuckers try killing you on a Tuesday?

And while were on the subject...If your little friend with the metal arms comes around here again I swear you won't like it. And neither will he. You tell him that If i get kidnapped and put in some weird super villain trap one more time by that mother fucker I'll bring him down myself.. Are you even listening to me?

I don't want to fight with you. But I could get rid of all this anger easier if you tried to make me feel better. You could build me that make out web if you wanted to..unless you got enough makeout time with the Vulture or whatever his name is...

.. Thank you for making me a web...your so sweet.....