If I was dating spider man....

While watching Hero's tonight a much hyped never before seen commercial for SpiderMan 3 came on. It was alright as far as much hyped never before seen movie trailers go, I wouldn't plan my night around watching it, but whatever. Anyway...theres a clip that shows Peter Parker and Mary Jane lying in a cheesy looking web kissing that my partner and I both found worthy of knocking down (figuratively, but it deserved a big stick knocking down too..I hate webs). It looked dumb and besides I don't remember spider man ever making big spider webs with his shooting web goo stuff..except maybe in the cartoons.But I started thinking that his little MJ totally wanted it. She probably bitched and made all kinds of remarks and started giving him the silent treatment until he figured out how to put a big fa key web in the backyard so they could kiss and she would start putting out again. Fast forward to my point....Spider man is lucky he's not dating me. I would put all kinds of demands on him and make him sorry he ever revealed his identity to me for starters. Here are a few .

1.(After Spidey gets home from saving the world and I've given him the silent treatment for a good hour....)Where were you all weekend? You said you were just going to stop the green goblin from doing something to the city then you'd be right home! You've been gone for like 2 days! Don't tell me you were fighting with that green freak for this whole time. You were with Cat woman weren't you? I don't give a fuck if shes not in the same comic universe as you...I know how you look at each other. Did she fuck you? Or maybe you were playing with the Green Goblin...all rough and sweaty all weekend. You better not have kissed him.

So there were no phones where you guys were fighting? Whatever...you heard it ringing and just didn't want to answer. It takes two minutes to stop your battle from the rooftops to make a call. I wouldn't be so mad, but you do this every weekend. You say you want to do something together then some supervisions does something and your gone. Why don't these crazy fuckers try killing you on a Tuesday?

And while were on the subject...If your little friend with the metal arms comes around here again I swear you won't like it. And neither will he. You tell him that If i get kidnapped and put in some weird super villain trap one more time by that mother fucker I'll bring him down myself.. Are you even listening to me?

I don't want to fight with you. But I could get rid of all this anger easier if you tried to make me feel better. You could build me that make out web if you wanted to..unless you got enough makeout time with the Vulture or whatever his name is...

.. Thank you for making me a web...your so sweet.....