Star light Star bright....the stars spit in your face tonight. Your horroscope..
Star light Star bright....
the stars spit in your face tonight.
Your horroscope for the week of May 2, 2007
Taurus- Forget all that diet and exercise mumbo jumbo you've been contemplating Taurus. Bulimia is making a comeback as the hot new weight loss program. Just look at Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. Eat all you want, then let the toilet have all those pesky calories.
Cancer- Lifetime Television for women and the Oxygen network race to get their version of your life story made into television movies this week. The Lifetime movie stars Valerie Bertaneli as you while Oprah tackles the role over at Oxygen. That kinda bites for you male Cancers. Both movies reveal every last detail of your story and both films suck ass and in a few cases actually bore a few seniors in Florida to death.
Virgo- I think its awesome that we are comfortable enough with each other that you can tell me when you think my breath is bad and how loudly I allegedly snore Virgo. Just awesome. That makes it especially sweet that I can share with you just how big of a farting machine you are at night. In the spirit of honesty I also need to reveal that I shaved your head while you dozed soundly after all the Nyquil I dosed you with before bed. Oh...and I replaced your shampoo withe Nair. Damn, this honesty does feel nice.
Libra- Your loved ones are planning an intervention today to confront your growing alcoholism. The stars suggest you skip it and meet me for a night of booze and hookers south of the border. Are you game? Of course you are rummy.
Sagittarius- Your glamorous new career as a drug dealer hits a snag this week when you manage to get two cars stolen, are robbed at gunpoint by you aunt/best customer and end up leaving your entire stash that you haven't yet paid for in a video booth at a nasty shop you stopped to have dirty sex in. But it's not to late to change the future....oh wait. I meant to post this earlier. Those awful things already happened, didn't they? Oops. Oh Well, theres always the fast paced world of street prostitution.
Aquarius- Bitch, if you think you can be getting all up on my man when I leave the room, like I can't see you in this great big trailer then your stupider than your mama said you were. You better watch it. I'll cut you bitch.
Pisces- Your face will be all over the cover of The Enquirer, The Star and The Sun when it is revealed that somebody knows what you did last summer. The Weekly World News decides to run with a follow up on Bat Boy and what he's been up to for the last few years.