Take you to School

Channel 214 presents Adult Learning.
No not adult learning as in learning how to shop for blow up dolls or the best vegetables to use in case of a sex toy shortage. That how to lesson is scheduled for the weekend. This is where you as an adult learn something. Its part of the FCC rules governing public access channels such as this. First up is a video learning lesson about global warming with Professor Sarah Silverman, followed by a question and answer session with a guest ninja speaker, followed by a lesson I have shown before, but is a real eye opener on President George Washington. It goes to show you really don't learn the whole truth in school.And finally since you had to sit thorough all those lessons I present an awesome video for your enjoyment. Don't mind the part about not caring about the old people...It doesn't mean you....It does mean you though.,..the guy in the computer chair. nobody cares about you. But we like the rest of you. Enjoy...and learn up!

the stars go marching one by one harrah

ARIES

The week starts out innocent enough with you graciously volunteering to help the girl scout's sell their famous cookies. Good for you. Oh...silly me...I spoke to soon. Apparently by the end of the week you will be on the run with two girls who used to be model scouts and the police and FBI hot on your trail for embezzling, grand theft auto, arson and the extinction of the bald eagle. For shame Aries, for shame.

TAURUS

Oh NO! You will literally ignite the seasons worst tragedy when your need to look cool by smoking starts a fire in the barn that ultimately leads to sweet blind Mary's babies end! Shame on you Taurus. Oh, wait, that was an episode of Little House on the Prairie...your not Albert. Janky signal.

You are going to have a couple days off work, giving us plenty of time to catch the Little House on the Prarie Marathon on TBS. I predict they will show the one where Laura befriends the towns only black kid, teaching Walnut Groove about tolerance...and then you'll never see him again. I also see that happening with 1 Indian boy, a kid in a wheelchair and a mess of blind children.

CANCER
What is it you want? Cant you see I was reminiscing with someone about an old TV show. I'm not your trained monkey sent here to tell your future now. I'm no monkey at any rate. Just for that I'm not warning you at all about the whole Hillary Clinton/Monica Lewinsky sex scandal that you will be a big part of. I can just see Conan O'Brian making some fun of you now. haha.

Obama in 'o8!

LEO

Your really loud. You really need to work on that. Every things not always about you. Plus you never share, when I always share whatever I have with you. And while we're on it, I hate that shirt you always wear. I mean...could you wear the same shirt more often? .....whats that? Your horoscope?No..thats wasn't your forecast...I just really needed to tell you all that. The stars just say something about your lucky KENO numbers.

VIRGO
I'm not going to make a single comment about you being a whore this week. I told you I was done doing that and so help me I wont make one single reference to the fact that I think you have a problem and need to go to a sex addicts anonymous meeting. For one thing I said I wouldn't and I don't go back on my word. If I say there will be no skanky slutty or whore references and that I won't kind of announce to the world that sex is to you like drugs and alcohol are to that druggie drunk Brittney Spears. I wouldn't say that in a million years. I wouldn't use the same SAT like practice question about Lindsey Lohan a minute later either...for example....cocaine cut with nestles quick is to Lindsay Lohan what sex and perversions are to you. Not gonna do it.

LIBRA

Why do you lie all the time? Why are you always making up stories? I've asked you this before,but for the life of me I can't figure out why your such a goddamn lier. There. I said it. Lying Libra. It's not a secret nickname anymore. Its what everybody calls you behind your back. Or they will now. I hope. Lier.

SCORPIO

A silly disagreement at last nights Oscar party got a little out of hand and suddenly bada bing. ...your once again digging a shallow grave in the hills at dawn when you would much rather be in your warm comfy bed. Plan on working with little sleep tonight Scorpio.

SAGITTARIUS

Dont answer your door under any circumstances this week Sag, it looks like the Mormans and the Jehovahs Witnesses have some kind of bet about which one will save your soul. LOL. They do like a challange.

CAPRICORN

Did you have some kind of disagreement with Scorpio last night? Hmmm...well if thats the case I have one less horoscope to worry about. You might have been right about Mr. Rogers never having wow an academy award...but don't you know well enough to just shut up and let the Scorpio be right. Thats what all of us that are still breathing have in common. But I hate to say I told you so. Especially since I told you so too late. oh well.

AQUARIUS

You got served Bitch! .....hmmm.....what was that? what did you get served with? Um...I really hadn't thought that far out. I just saw that movie title and I always thought it was funny and thought I could turn it into a horoscope and you wouldn't ask any questions. Yeah..uh hu..yes thats right. Thats how I basically come up with all of you people's horoscopes. whooh there! ok...OK.Step away buddy. "Calm the F down.Fine....I guess I'm the one getting served. Whatever the hell that means.

PISC
PISCES

No matter how close you think you and your mother are now...not enough time has passed to tell her what you really did that fateful night in 11th grade. Trust me...its never gonna be a time when shes just gonna laugh about it. I'm serious...besides there is no statute of limitations on crimes against nature. Not that. I Just pray every night that lobsters really can't feel pain and that people that work at Jack in the Box really aren't as good as us, like you said, and that they never knew what was happening. I just pray your right. Dear God, i can't get the images out of my head. My eyes wont ever scrub clean!! So you not telling your mom right?

25 things you might not know about me...unless you read this similer post yesterday

100 25 things you don't know about me

a

few blogs i read had this100 things you don't know about me list...so I

stole the idea myself. Anything I write you proablly don't know about

me...even if you read my blog, because I rarely write anything

personal on here...I generally like to do little sketches and concept

stuff...but I thought i might as well get a little personal for once.

Now I realize that 100 items is just too freaking much.Sorry if you already read this stuff...but I'm breaking it down and reposting here and there.

1. I
   
   have a scar on my leg from when I was 10. I lit a bubble gum cigarette
   
   and was pretending to smoke it and the hot gum dripped on my leg. Ouch!
   
   That spot on my leg grows absolutely NO hair
2. Not that I'm that hairy anyway. I'm part Native American…so
3. I can't grow sideburns or a real beard or any of those manly disguises. I
   was like in my 20's before I really had to start shaving
4. My first concert was David Lee Roth in 1986 when he went solo. I thought it was so kick ass!
5. I went by the nickname Jamie until preschool when the kids called me
   Jamie Summers after the Bionic Woman. I then converted to James.

6. I
   hate Cuba Gooding JR. He just annoys the hell out of me. Him and Robin
   Williams were on Oprah a couple years ago and he was all trying to
   out-Robin Williams each other with Cuba all coked up and acting like a ADD kid on super meth. Ughh…Show me the money, he started that damn catchphrase too. Bastard.
7. I
   have a little bit of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I basically
   diagnosed myself and told me dr. what to prescribe and stuff. But I
   kind of have it.
8. Unfortunately
   for those around me my OCD has absolutely no effect on my cleanliness
   or lack of it. I am a slob and I don't care. I can just not think about
   the germs and I'm fine.
9. ….unless
   there is a dirty litter box around. That makes me feel gross…scared of
   germs, unable to eat or put anything in my mouth. That smell makes me
   think someone's home is filthy, even if its just the litter box.
10. My
    OCD mostly just affects me when I do this weird counting thing where I
    have to count to a multiple of 5. Like if you said "What do you mean?"
    That's 4 words. I would then have to say that sentence 5 times in my
    head real fast and counting on my fingers (if It's not going to be
    noticed) so that it becomes a multiple of 5. I don't know why. And I
    haven't really had a compulsion to do it for a couple years…its easier
    to control than it used to be.
11. The
    OCD comes in handy and is trouble at work when I have to have
    its never ending, but I think its fun.
12. My lucky number is 214.
13. My second lucky number is 13.

14. A crown fell out of my mouth last week on our way to the Sarah Silverman
    show and I'm holding it in its place while I wait 2 weeks to go to the
    dentist with Fixodent.
15. When I take out the fake tooth I look like a guest on The Jerry Springer Show.
16. Iwon't let anybody see me looking like the guest on the Jerry Springer
    Show. NO wait, I let my friend Jimmy. But I wont even let my boyfriend
    see.
17. I'm dating someone a year older than my mother.
18. This is by far the healthiest and most secure relationship I have ever had by far.
19. He doesn't look or act like he's my Mom's age…and if I say how old he really is nobody believes me.
20. We have an open relationship, which basically means we can screw whomever we want to.
21. There's no way in hell I could only have sex with one person for the rest of my life. Talk about pressure. How boring.
22. If we were monogamous I would cheat like I have done with every other relationship I've ever had. I hope no exes are reading.
23. I still find myself getting jealous an insecure when he has too good of a
    time…or a particularly sluttish weekend. I hate being jealous and
    insecure.
24. He doesn't get jealous which makes me more insecure.
25. Did I mention I'm neurotic?

powered by performancing firefox

sex survey

Just another sex survey
Current mood: dorky

Psssttt..come here. Wanna fill out a sex survey? You know you do. It can get kinda dirty. All the cool kids are doing it.

http://scout214.sex.sgizmo.com

How to have an open relationship

How to have an open relationship
Current mood: cold

Channel 214 presents a public service continuing educational seminar to broaden your mind.

How to guarantee a successful open relationship

…or Sex is fun with anyone you aren't contractually obligated to do it with

Hello and Good morning to all you couples out there interested in the wonderful world of non monogamous committed relationships. I am Dr.Jezebel and I will be your tour guide through the rocky terrain of unconventional relationships. To ease your obvious first reaction I can assure you not to take any stock in my name. It's no more than a mere title. I am no more a Jezebel than I am a real doctor. This is to say that I never went to medical school or any college specializing in medicine or relationships, but I have been around the block a lot of times. I mean a lot! So if you say that makes me a Jezebels I say welcome to the 20^th century. We use words like slut and whore now thank you. Now that that's cleared up I would like to present you with some time tested rules for keeping your sex life where it belongs, outside of the relationship.

Some ignorant people see open relationships as merely an excuse to spend all of your sexual energy on strangers and doing everything in your power to avoid having sex with the latest person you have chosen to spend your life with, but that's only part of it. It's also about having sex with as many partners that you possibly can while not saving any of your attention for your one and only. The only way to combat small mindedness such as that is by spreading your message to as many attractive or semi attractive people as you can, preferably through sex.

The first rule to an open relationship that I strongly recommend above all others is ...and I can't stress just how important this is….don't let your partner know that your relationship is open to begin with. It usually keeps your partners uncontrollable jealousy at bay if you simply don't tell them that it's OK for the two of you to sleep with everybody else. What they don't know can't keep you up with a throbbing headache after hours of "talking about it". I also find that when the other person is unaware that it's ok for them to cheat they usually do it less and if you're prone to blind rage like I am, this is a good thing.

Now if you must let them in on your special arrangement be aware that your partner will probably take advantage of it. If it bothers you to let the love of your life date other people and stay out for 4 or 5 weekends a month then you only have one choice as I see it. You need to date hotter people and take off for a week or two at a time, preferably around Valentine's Day and your anniversary. It is no good for anybody involved if you aren't out having sleazy hardcore sex every chance you get. What would your partner think if instead of thoughtful note letting them know you are getting screwed by the night crew at McDonald's they find you making them dinner. Or worse, interested in having sex together! As in, with each other!

Some couples have rules they set for what you can and can't do with your other sexual partners. For example, the rule about not kissing anybody else is quite common. I encourage this and other rules like it. If there are no rules at all to break then what do you do when you want to be sleazy? Without a list of things you can't do, you'll soon discover there's not much you even want to do anymore. If you have rules it also addresses the question of what to do when you feel like retaliating at your partner and making them hurt like they hurt you. You have a no kissing rule? Make sure they see you kissing some hottie more passionately than the two of you have ever thought about kissing. If you have a rule about only playing with others on holidays convert to a religion that endorses frequent celebrations. I myself am a Catholic Jew with strong Muslim beliefs. If there is a safe sex only rule, nothing says "Eat me Bi@#h!" like having somebody else's baby or a raging case of scabies.

The question of drug use invariably comes up in regards to sex outside the relationship. It just never ceases to amaze me that some of you people can actually have sex without drugs! Personally I have never tried it, but to each his own. It is vital that you shy away from the bad drugs however. Bad drugs are the ones that don't contribute to your love life in a positive way and in fact may harm the central relationship. Good drugs are those that have some beneficial use either for enhancing sex with others or for keeping the nausea at bay when having to do your business with your partner. Good drugs in the first category include, but are not limited to cocaine, alcohol, marijuana, meth, heroin, angel dust, ecstasy, GHB, special K, poppers, gasoline fumes, caffeine, mushrooms, LSD, some more PCP, Ritalin and aspirin. Good drugs in the second category also include Pepto Bysmo and Mylanta. The Bad drugs remain in a class that I have yet to discover but you can rest assured that I am working vigilantly on figuring out.

The naysayer will tell you that one of the major drawbacks to this kind of relationship is the risk of spreading disease. Whenever I am confronted with that kind of backwards logic I ask them how it is even possible for me and my life partner to give each other a disease if we never have sex with each other? That kills their argument right away and they start to really grasp the concept of a loving open relationship with someone you plan on spending the rest of your life with ….unless somebody better comes along ….which you give them every chance to being as you spend every free minute trying out new sex partners. You do the math.

I'm sure there are many more points I can make describing the misunderstood beauty of an open relationship but I need to get home before my beloved so I can call dibs on the sex room or else yours truly will walk in on some hot, ego shattering sex instead of the other way around. This is Dr. Jezebel saying until next time give your relationships all the respect they deserve. And if you have any further questions I will be available for demonstrations at the nasty shop on MLK all day Sunday.

Currently reading : Wigfield: The Can-Do Town That Just May Not

Lets Talk Topless

You don't need to peep at us through the keyhole….come on in and make yourself comfortable with the girls from the second classiest strip club on the exit 299 off ramp. Its time for

Lets Talk Topless!

With your hostess, the white version of Oprah if Oprah was the most popular dancer at The Beaver Dam on the Wedensday afternoon shifts…its Destiny Star. And I'm her co-host Frankie Sin HOTra. Whoo Hooo! Yah! Oh yeah!

Destiny- Holly Crap Frankie…calm down for fucking crying out loud! Are you high or what?

Frankie-Oh yeah! Instead of a real tip, I let a grabby trucker put these purple pills in my panties and the ones that didn't fall out and roll all over the stage into that grabby bitch Tiffany's janky hands I made sure to grab up myself and I think I should a started with one and not 3, but its ok cuz I enjoy being really fudged up. I said Fudged up instead of fucked up so you can't blame me for this not being a family friendly show cuz you don't get any friendlier to the family than me.

Destiny- So you didn't even bother to think that the host of the show might need a little pick me up?

Frankie-Oh gosh Amber, I'm sorry. I thought you had an AA meeting tonight. That's why you weren't drinking anything harder than rum and cokes for lunch.

Destiny- Yeah, Alcoholics Anonymous. Not prescription speed anonymous. Anyway….Thank you all for checking us out and helping make our show not the lowest rated show on Channel 214!! I know your sacrificing a lot what with it being the last episode of The OC on channel 13 and all.

Frankie- I would totally be watching The OC if I could focus long enough on one thing to….if I ….I totally love your new boobs Amber. They are so much bigger than mine.

Destiny - And softer too. Thanks. Yours are…not as bad as everyone said.. I'm sure the feeling will come back eventually.

Frankie- I hope not, I like em like this. Darrel can be grabby McGrabby all night long and it doesn't even wake me up anymore. Or make me dream of when I was young and my uncle Rob used to baby-sit me on…

Destiny -OK! No more remembering things. That always leads to recovered memories and we've already done 3 shows on Satanic Cults from our Childhoods and at least a weeks worth on your uncle Rob.

Frankie- I went to a satanic preschool.

Destiny-Duh Frankie!It was the 80's everybody went to a satanic preschool. Let's talk about something happy. So that we can bounce around all happy like so that all the gentlemen watching feel more inclined to come to the Beaver Dam this Wednesday Morning for all you can eat shrimp and half price lap dances! Whoo Hooo! Watch me bounce!

Frankie-Did you take one of my purple pills?

Destiny- Just one. Damn these are good! Come stop in tonight for our Pretty Presidents Day Pussy Cat Propaganda Party! You've never seen Abe Lincoln like this! That was a lot of P's in one sentence. So do you have any current events you want to chat about Frankie?

Frankie-I don't really follow stuff like that. But I do have some recent news items on my mind. Who do you think has been cutting up all those girls?

Destiny - Are we talking about the Stripper Ripper?

Frankie- the Stripper Ripper got caught over two weeks ago Amber, old news. It's the exit 299 off ramp Ripper that I'm worried about. But the good news is he doesn't seem to just hate us dancers. He hates hookers and hooker/dancers too.

Destiny -Or she. The exit 299 off ramp Ripper could easily be a girl too. Women are just as good as men when it comes to killing things.

Frankie-What are you suggesting Amber? Are you saying that you or I could have attacked that bitch Bambi last Monday and made it so she won't be stealing the show ever again with her new smile that off ramp Ripper gave her? Because it would almost be impossible to get the job done and be back home in time to watch my stories. And you know I'm not missing my stories for anyone. Although it would be worth it to fix that bitch Bambi's wagon. Yes sir. It was worth it.

Destiny -uh…ok. I just meant that it could be you or some other dancer like our first guest Nakita, from the so called classiest gentlemen's club on the exit 299 off ramp…The Muffin Spot. Well aren't you pretty Miss Nakita.

Nakita- Whatever Bitch. I'm just here to promote the live sex show at The Muffin Spot this Sunday…and it doesn't start until after most folks get out of church, so there's no conflict there. And I am not…I repeat I am NOT the Exit 299 off Ramp Ripper.

Destiny -It's funny, but I don't believe liars Nakita..If that's your real name. Apparently you have a name you use on stage and one you use elsewhere. It's like your leading a double life…Nadine!

Nakita-It's called a stage name you twat! Not all of our moms had the foresight to name us for stripping.

Frankie-I guess our Mama's just saw bigger things for us than yours did Miss Nadine of The Brookstone Apartments number 33A.

Nakita-You Bitch! I'll cut you!

Frankie-Not if I cut you first.

Destiny -Unfortunately we are out of time. Tune in next week to see who got cut up most in the knife fight we're fixing to have. And remember all you can eat shrimp Wednesday mornings at the Beaver Dam!!

Reccomended Site ....Must see Myspace Blog
Current mood: envious

I recently came across the most hilarious (its funny cuz its true) collection of videos about the View and all the freaky dickey stuff that has been happening over there lately...its crazy enough to have me watching and wanting to blog about. I was just about to start a new channel 214 segment featuring the bitterly fun-tastic comedic stylings of this guy destined to be a star, steal his clips and risk the wrath it may bring...all for you viewers. I did it for you...and johnny man....I did it for Johnny....oh and you. Where was I? What the fuc....oh...yeah..What the Buck! Thats the name of the break out star who I was going to steal for my own blog but then it turns out he is a star of his own right here on Myspace.So instead I encourage you to check him out for a real good laugh. Well, since I already have a few clips all lined up I might as well show them to you..then you can go see more for yourself.My Celebrity feuds and Meltdowns series begins with the queen of the celebrity feuds these days...former queen of nice Rosie O'Donnell of the View. If you don't think hes funny or you don't know whats going on at The View then just f off then. Don't even watch it. You have some nerve showing up at my blog not prepared by knowing whatever it is I expect you to know at any given time. I think I'm having a mother fu@# ing meltdown now! Not to mention I could be starting a celebrity feud! I could only be so lucky. Have a look then check out his My space page. Good Stuff.

the 36 hour erection

Sex blog Thursday embarassing story

My response to Buddha Mama's Sex Blog Thursday call for stories of most embarrassing sexual experience or sexual dysfunction stories for Sex blog Thursday. This story is a little bit of both.

A couple of weeks before Christmas of this year I messed around where I probably shouldn't have been messing. I took a Viagra like prescription that was totally not prescribed for me. It's called Trimix I believe and like Viagra it is supposed to give you a longer more satisfying erection. Well...I definitely can't say it didn't work.

The first nine hours of my monster erection weren't bad. I took the stuff at about 1am on Sunday night I believe. 12 hours later I had already ..um...finished my business and had been expecting "my guest" to get lost. But as I looked down it looked like my little friend had other plans. He was engorged with more blood than was probably healthy, standing straight up at attention like a teenager's might and had begun to throb painfully. This is about the time that I finally had to admit to my bf, Cain, what I had taken and that things were not fading away down there. (note..we have an sexually open relationship and had started all this with friends of ours while he was asleep. I wasn't confessing to cheating, I was admitting I took the trimix.) He was a little pissed but was more concerned with getting me to the hospital. After all, the commercials for Viagra say if your erection lasts longer than 4 hours to see a Doctor was 12 hours and counting. I refused to go see help because I had to be to work in a few hours and it was too late to call in. Instead I ran "it" under cold water in the bath and insisted that it was going down. But it wasn't.

At five i had to go in to work. Believe me, putting pants on and trying to contain the monster was not fun. It was in fact quite painful, but I was stubborn about not calling in and I did my best . I was at work a few hours when it became clear that I could not do that all night. I had to keep my shirt pulled down over the front of my pants to keep anybody from noticing and I was really starting to hurt. Finally I took the manager on duty aside. "I'm going to tell you something that I really don't want to tell you," I started. I proceeded to tell her what happened and that I should go to the hospital. I called and got somebody to cover for me...after telling her about it too.

When i got home, Cain had been doing research online and suggested we try ice packs...putting pressure on some part of the leg, and other home remedy's. I insisted they were working as I lay on the couch with an icepack over my privates. I was really not wanting to go to the hospital and looking back I was being ridiculous and stupid. About ten the next morning Cain checked on me...And it was as hard as ever.It had been up for 34 hours about. We went to the hospital.

That was a traumatizing experience I don't want to relive again. The doctors and nurses at this religious hospital weren't all that sympathetic and they certainly weren't handling me with a soft touch for sure. Thats not totally true. One Dr. was very nice, and cute. I thought they were being mean and more rough than they had to be with putting the IV in for example. I told Cain, and when the Dr was about to do a procedure and asked him to leave Cain refused to go anywhere. So he stayed, and him and the Dr. got to be good buddies. He asked questions and even offered to help out at one point.

I got lots of shots all over my penis to numb it so they could draw the blood out. The blood was black and without any oxygen. Thats what I'm told by Cain, I wouldn't look. Well it didn't work and I ended up having to have surgery. To wrap it up I was put out while they put shunts under my testicle area to flow the blood away. When i woke up I had a black jock strap on which really tripped my post-surgery self out. I spent the night in the hospital with a blood pressure cuff wrapped around my area that would get pumped up every 2 hours to stimulate blood flow. Oh and it was a few more days before the thing looked like it was going down, because it was so swollen after surgery.,

On the plus side, I think they cut some muscles or something down there, because now when it is flaccid and at rest....its in a much bigger state of " rest" than before. 'to put it bluntly what used to be a grower and not a shower, is quite a bit showier. I hope that lasts. Other than that everything is back to normal down there. I couldn't have sex for over a month cuz of stitches and healing...but I'm lucky things turned out as well as they did. Oh..and I got told "I loveyou" for the fist time by the bf before I was wheeled into surgery, so that was not bad. I guess the moral is if you want a declaration of love and a bigger penis you should take somebody else's prescription and hope it turns out as good. uh yeah..i learned my lesson. Seriously, I will never touch anything like that again.. For fucking real.

SuperPowered Astrological Estravaganza

Friday, February 16, 2007


YOUR WEEKLY SLAP IN THE FACE FROM THE STARS!!

its time for a

All Super powered Astrological Extravaganza!!

t


Aries- After one too many x-rays from the janky back alley dentist you insist on going to your body will start to go through some amazing changes. The little bunny tail that doctors removed when you were a baby regrows fluffier and hoppier than ever and those horns your parents tried to saw off grow powerful and majestic. Combine that with your super ego and your almost a super hero. It will kind of kill your sex live though, unless you want to sleep with those freaks that find your bunny tail hot.


Taurus- In a freak cooking accident you will be infused with the power of 1000 garlic cloves which gives you the power of pretty much clearing out any room that you walk into.


Gemini- You start to think somethings a little off when you begin waking up wearing what looks like Dolly Partons Wardrobe and Wigs. The fact that your sharing your bed with groups of strange men is kind of suspicious as well. But you can't ignore the hundreds of Cher, Gloria Gaynor and Helen Reddy songs that are downloaded on your computer. It can only mean one thing. You have developed another personality which is obviously a drag queen with awful taste. You can tell by the quality of men lying next to you every morning. You soon find out its not an ordinary drag queen, but one with superpowers, including super no smear lip gloss and amazing powers to make others feel bad about themselves.


Cancer- Your world gets turned upside down when you fall in love with a striking and ultra colorful woman named Holly Wood. When Ms. Wood turns out to be a man in drag it sends you over the deep end which leads to your new identity as a super villain Mr. Anti-Drag with your own invention..the penis detector.


Leo-A run in with a a radioactive Lion leaves you with a super human roar, a huge mane of super conditioned hair and one less arm than you started with. You form the Super Villain Elks Club of Doom and start recruiting other villains just as lame as you are.



Virgo- You finally put your super sex drive and knack for picking up the more minor STD's to good use when Lion Person (you may be super villain but your gender neutral for the sake of PC)recruits you to join his villain Club. With your army of crabs, scabies and for some reason ducks will take over the world. Or at least a few sex clubs.Watch out world..here comes Super Tramp!!

Libra-During a routine drug deal you accidentally smoke some radio-active (radio-active again? really?) pot giving you the ability to be Super Stoned for long periods of time, leaving you in a pretty good mood, but a major suck ass at either fighting or causing much crime.


Scorpio- During a school field trip you are bitten by a radioactive scorpion (For real, no more radioactivity, dude. Can't someone just get struck by lighting?)Not only does this make you meaner and more vengeful than before but you also have posion seeping out of your tail. Oh...that was there before?


Sagitarius-During a routine visit to the Donkey Bar in Tiajauna which I can't go into detail about without getting flagged and removed from myspace, you morph into a half human, half donkey hybrid with the sexual magnetism of a donkey and the human desire to plant your fat ass on the couch and watch TV.


Capricorn-When you stop following your moms advice about not eating before swimming, going out in the cold with wet hair, and sitting too close to the TV you will get a triple wammy of mutant qualities. Mostly super Swimmers ear, a powerful case of pneumonia and Fabulously poor vision.


Aquarius=Great Scott Aquarius, are you turning into Aquaman! Do you have super swimming powers? check! um....he could....well..he knew how to...um...what else could aquaman do? oh...can you talk to fish? really? your serious? I'm sorry. I mean...wow, yah, thats awesome. your turning into aquaman. I'm sure the doctors can do something about that. stop crying Aquarius. Please stop crying.



Pisces-It says here...thats can't be true. It is? This is just plain nuts. Apparently , Pisces, in a jealous fit over Aquarius getting the superpoweres ou feel were rightfully yours you try some wierd experiment at the aquarium to try and get your own super fish powers and become a fishy kinda super villain but you just get eaten by a really big Carp.

new music and funny comedy Hour with .Liberace

Thursday, February 15, 2007


boring personal stuff. best just to skip.

channel 214 presents
The New Music and Funny Comedy Hour with ...Liberace. (heres your announcer Earl) Hey Hey baby's. This is ...well you can just plain tell I ain't Liberace. And I don't right feel right about playing that I am. This is our new show where we spotlight the new funny and musical videos that we stole,....er found . And we couldn't think of a person to host that was funny and musical except for Sarah Silverman and Fern came up with Liberace. Fern is the lady who answers the phones. You haven't met her on account of her boyfriend seems to keep accidentally hitting her in the face with a door and it doesn't look too good on camera.First Fern suggested Kathy from the funny pages cuz she thinks that gal Kathy is Hilarious...but she is not musical and that made her invalid.And since Liberace was kinda a funny man...a real funny duck...he would be good..but he is also dead. Anyway...we're still looking for a host but until then watch these two clips. Its also not an hour either but the New Music and Funny Comedy 8 minutes didn't sound as good.

Channel 214 Videos

Happy Valentines day

Channel 214 (with your announcer Earl) All of us at channel 214 would like to wish all you lucky lovers out there a Big Fat stupid Valentines day!! Cuz your friendly announcer her at Public access Channel 214, which would be Earl...which would be me...got dumped by his girlfriend and now he wants you all to suffer like he suffered.Don't mind me talking in the third person as me and my court appointed shrink are working on that. But first lets take a look at this wedding day disaster. After this you can feel good about your love life knowing you don't have a tape of you doing this.

Zodic Killer Conclusion

Zodiac Killer conclusion

Its what you've been waiting for (all 3 of you). Its time for the action packed finale to the Zodiac Killer story(fucking finally, right?)!!!So sit back and get ready to find out which of the janky zodiac archetypes would do all those horrible unspeakable things.But first, unless you want to go back and read the last 4 or so installments lets review those awful unspeakable things by first speaking about them.

The whole complicated mess started when Taurus was found engulfed in flames after spontaneously combusting! This was no act of god....and nearly every member of the zodiac had a motive cuz Taurus was skanky janky, fer real. You don't need to go over the motives of the members of the zodiac who have since fallen as we know they aren't the killer and its just in poor taste to take of the ill deeds of the dead.

Capricorn was the next to go I believe. Cap was injected with some newly invented (by me for storyline purposes) drug and buried alive!! That must suck. But Cappys death left an important clue. The killer was carrying on a torrid affair with the now dead goat(not a real goat. Capricorn is represented by some kind of goat thing.)
Aquarius died in a rather contrived stupid way that the writers now regret but are too lazy to go back in time and fix. Apparently the killer was CEO of some company that released chemicals years ago and Aquarius died of cancer.I know your left with some questions like.1).how did the killer make that happen.? 2)Did they plan this years ago? 3)Are you trying to insult my intelligence? The answers are 1)I can't reveal that or you might try it and hurt someone and I don't want that responsibility. 2)Sure, they planned it years ago. 3)yes, but I didn't think you were smart enough to figure that out..good for you!
Libra- was found inside of a pinata stabbed to death and spilling out blood when the kids started hitting it with a stick. It turns out Libra was barely hanging onto life and could have been saved but those kids just kept hitting the pinata and hitting it and so Lib was kinda beat to death by first graders. Tragic.
Leo- was killed in a way that comes right out of the film Crank. So I guess you could say the writers were lacking imagination and just wanted Leo dead no matter how it happened. So Leo was shot full of a chemical that made his heart race in a way that if it went below a certain level he died. You could say that Leo and the bus from Speed had much in common and in the end they both went Kaboom! Leo could have maybe held on for a while longer until the cure was given, but that would require jogging briskly for at least an hour and Leo felt death was the better option.
Cancer- Cancer rescued Gemini and Leo from a stripper closet fire that the killer had started. The two of them had just found a clue to the identity of the killer. Unluckily the killer injected the pink panther Cancer used in a dirty strip routine with aggression drugs and it ate Cancer. Does it seem like the killer uses lots of weird drugs? Maybe he or she is a chemist. or a dealer.

When we last left our astrological friends a few of them were in dire circumstances. After the fire Gemini was nowhere to be found. Was he lost in the fire? Was he the killer? Virgo was just about to open the letter that reveals the killers identity when he was drugged (again with the drugs?) and awoke in the killers basement tied and gagged. Scorpio had been out at a club I believe and was using the bathroom facilities but as she walked in the restroom she turned and saw the killer standing right in front of her!

Aries had just been tied up and gagged by her former sex slave/FBI agent that she had kept in the basement. Sagitarius and Pisces weren't doing anything worth repeating here, the boring bastards. And so we will check in and see what the fate of the star signs will be......

5 Little Indians -The Conclusion to the Zodiac Killer
Story

Virgo started to wake up from the daze the drugs had caused
and realized that he was bound and gagged. There was a figure
standing above and he tried to make out who it was. Standing
above Virgo was none other than Gemini!!How could that be?
Gemini and Virgo had a good thing going..or at least had some
really great sex. And you don't kill someone you have really
sex with do you? Thats not the was Virgo's mom raised him,
thats for sure. It must be Gemini's evil twin right? Maybe by
trying to appeal to the good twin it will save Virgo. Wrong!
It was the evil twin that Virgo had been sleeping with...and now
less evil twin was gonna put an end to it. Thats when the twins
started fighting each other...with the evil twin chocking the twin
formerly known as the good one into submission..don't ask how they
did that.Evil twin reunited with Virgo...but didn't untie him as
there were things that he wanted to do to Virgo that just don't
get done unless Virgo's tied up like that. You know how it is.

Scorpio turns in the bathroom of the club and sees the killer!
She sees the killer in the mirror! She sees her own reflection..
get it. Scorpio really is a killer. She smiles at how cliche it
is that shes the killer. Those damn fools always typecasting her
the villain. You will show them to always place you in the role of
of the bad guy/super ho. You will murder the bastards and make
them pay. But the thought of that makes you horny.You find
Pisces has just walked in the bathroom in a slinky black dress
and you can't control yourself. You both have kinky sex in the
stall stopping only to let Sagittarius join in. Ironically Scorpio
wants to try a little auto asphyxiation to make things really
hot. But sag and Pisces get so into each other they forget to take
noose off of Scorpios neck that was gonna cause a killer orgasm
but instead just offed the killer.Oh Fuck...SAG and Pisces get the
hell out of there and decide never to tell anybody anything.

Standing in the back at Scorpios funeral is her good friend. This
friend is the only one who knows Scorpio's secret. Thats because they
share this secret together. Scorpio wasn't working alone. She
was working with Gemini!! Will Gemini avenge his fallen comrade?
Will he get rid of the rest of them? Or will he plant evidence that
Scorpio was indeed the killer and get out while he can cuz he
is bored of being a serial killer already. it was fun at first,
but you know how bad he is about finishing projects.

Virgo wakes up from a deep sleep. The shower is running and he
goes to see who it is. He opens the door expecting Gemini and
inside the steamy shower is Taurus!!! Shes not dead?? oh...it was only
a dream! Sheesh! Hows that for insulting your intelligence?
Next time you regular horoscope will finally be back. well..unless
its the musical zodiac I have planned.

BJ and Brother Dean

Now a bonus installment of BJ and Brother Dean's write in sex and relationship advice column. This first letter comes to us straight from a colleague of ours site called...Help me Harlan. Hmm. Thats a funny kind of name. It doesn't really conjure up images of wisdom and advicegivingfullness. Not like BJ.

Sex with Boyfriend Causes Problem
With Parents (um, that's no surprise)

Dear Harlan,

I just turned 18. My problems all started when my parents found

out that I had sex with my boyfriend. My parents took extreme

measures to keep me away from him. I graduated from high school

with honors and am going to attend college in the fall, but I have a

big issue facing me. I love my boyfriend deeply, and I would like to

continue being with him. But my parents said that if I do that, I

must move out of the house. Confused. I'll let Brother Dean take

first crack at this....


Free Image Hosting at ImageShack.us

Brother Dean- I have wonderful news for you Miss Confused.I

promise you that you and your boyfriend will be together for a long

time. Try like for all eternity in the deep bowels of HELL! Do you

think your fancy college and la di da honers are going to get you into

heaven when it turns out your majoring in Whore of Babylon 101.

Well do you Missy? God hates a loosey goosey more than just

about anything. Except the New Agers, he probably hates them a

little worse what with all their gay Mother Earth and meditation

crap. Come to think of it he really hates those gays too, especially

the trouble making ones that want to get married. I mean why can't

they just stay slutty singles and keep on their road to hell and not

bother the rest of us. Sorry, got off on a tangent...I tend to do that

when thinking about all the groups God doesn't care for. The point

is you might as well move out now and get used to the street Missy,

I have a feeling you will end up working there.


Image Hosted by ImageShack.usBJ- You know I don't like it when you start talking

about the gays like that Brother Dean...you know that I'm gay.


Brother Dean-You know I think there will be a special place in Hell

for you BJ.

BJ-Oh, thats kind of you to say. I like special places.

OK..now tothe letter. I would have to disagree with

your advice Brother D. If Miss Confused is interested

in a career in prostitution I think she might have

better luck on Craigslist or an escort angency. Those

street hookers get paid something like five dollars a

blow job and thats just not even gonna be enough to

keep her pimp from smacking the bitch up. I admire

your initiative Confused, but the streets no place for

an 18 year old girl when you could be selling

your ass online. And by the way...you named yourself

Confused?

Yeah thats an original. amateurs.


We stole...er ...received our second letter from some little advice column

called...Ask Hannah or something. Hannah...(snort) I guess if your comfortable

taking advice from someone with a name like Hannah. We think the writer of the

letter will agree that our advice is much more cool than Miss hot stuff Hannah

.
Dear Hana,

My Best friend lies and makes up stories like there's no tomorrow, I
mean she even once told me she was in a GAP commercial, (and
trust me she isn't model material), it doesn't matter how obvious
her lies are, you can't point them out to her cause then she'll accuse
you of being jealous. Playing along with her stories is driving me
nuts.......

— Bud blues
BJ- It's as obvious to me as it is to your friend that your just being

jealous don't be an hater bud blue(what="" kind="" of name is that jazz it up a little. Spice it up). I mean, its pretty petty of you to write abusy advice giver just to trash talk your friend. And what does that have to do with sex? Is anyone screening these letters?Do you have anything to add Brother Dean?

Brother Dean-No I think your pretty much covered it . Quit being a

bitch Buddy Blue.

Our last letter today comes from one originally sent to

lovingyou.com.


Why do guys make you feel like you should do sex even though
sometimes its a nice feeling talking about it even though you shouldn't if
you are a christian gal.


I sometimes get lonely because i am single and there aren't really that
many good guys left. What should i do?





Brother Dean- Whats a nice Christian gal doing writing to a place like this?

That is a trick question because you see, a nice Christian gal wouldn't be reading this blog, let
alone writing dirty Penthouse forum letters to it.

You see, if your talking about sex in a way that gives you a nice feeling then its as wrong
as someone that has actual sex in a position
other than the missionary position.What
your feeling is sin. And its all warm because
your opening a crack to hell.What do you mean
there are no good guys left?Theres Jesus. Isn't he a good guy?

You have the number one good guy in your
heart and all you can do is run all around
town with your filthy mouth talking about
sex, sex, sex.

Your worse than BJ. I'll pray for your
soul.

BJ- I don't answer questions from people who refer
to themselves as gals.


Thats it for our special edition of BJ and Brother
Deans Advice

Line...check us out at our regular day of Friday. Next
time we will discuss

baptisms and the King Kong Dong line of Dildo's.
Plus movie reviews for

"The lives of Saints" and "Cumhungery Buttholes."

5 by 5

five by five
Current mood: dirty

Good Morning. I hope at least some of you are getting your Kinky Thursday off to a wild and distasteful start. How bout we start off with a list. A list of sex quotes if you will. I'm five by five this morning...here are some lists.

5 more Mae West Quotes

1.I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it. - Mae West

2.I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure. - Mae West

3.Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. - Mae West

4.Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. - Mae West

5.An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises. - Mae West

I am always amazed when i read a Mae West quote. It's so easy to
think of the past as being almost sexless, or at least completely toned
down. Then you have someone like West who is as vulgar and
honest as someone like my favorite Sarah Silverman. The things
she said would still cause a stir if say, Julia Roberts or even Paris
Hilton said them( yeah Paris wishes she could come up with
anything near as witty as West on a bad day. Who knows..maybe
"Thats hot!" will be on some blog quote list of the future...a sad
sad future).

I guess it is pretty arrogant to think that sex was invented in the
last half of the 20th century. Or at the least that it was always a
never talked about activity that recent generations were finally brave
enough to shatter that taboo. I know the Romans were huge pervs
and the Greeks weren't exactly prudes either. But I also know that
there has always been a fucking puritanical sexual hall monitor in
this country..at least since the pilgrims and their friends started
showing up bringing their sexless witch burning ways with them.


I'm going off on a rant. So the point is that Mae West was a
freakin' awesome sex positive lady. I would totally like to go back
in time when we start getting our government issued time machines
in the future...whats taking them so long already....and become
Mae West's best friend. You know she's the type who would have
all kinds of gay men friends that she would swap dirty stories with
. She could show me her technique for unhinging her jaw and I
could be a good friend and protect her from the lechers when shes
had too much ecstasy. Good times. Whoa...I should probablly have
stopped that tangent about a paragraph ago.


5 More Sex Quotes by people who are not Mae
West

1."An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more
interesting than sex." -Aldous Huxley


2."Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual

intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven." - Mark Twain


3. "Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I
have never caught venereal disease, which makes me feel rather
like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite." -Germaine
Greer
4."Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it I swear I will never
do it again. Until the next time company comes." -Marilyn Sokol

I love that quote. I don't know who that lady is, but we think
alike...at least where our loose morals are concerned


5."There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard
and use your imagination you can overcome that." -Lewis Grizzard

What happened at work today?

a funny thing happend....

A funny thing happened at work the other night.Well not funny exactly, more like incredulous. Oh, if your gaydar is majorly damaged , you need to know I'm gay or the story isn't the same.
It was very busy at work at work , and I was on one of the registers. I work at a video store by the way.I just finished the last person in my line and I called out to he girl in the next line telling her I could help her at my register. She was probablly in her late teens or early 20's, thin, pretty. She paused for a second and in that time another lady came out of nowhere and came to my register. Now I am usually hyper aware of what the customer is doing, or when they are on the verge of causing shit. I know from experience that if I just let the lady who stepped up to my line get helped first the other girl could thow a big ol' fit about how I said I would help her but let someone cut in line. They hate it when someone cuts in line and we don't do anything about it. So I tell the lady that I told the other girl I would help her first . As soon as I said that I knew that she was gonna be trouble, but she just stepped back and glared while I helped the other girl.
I chatted with the girl briefly while i rang her up, which really started to infuriate the other lady. Oh, and the other lady was overweight and probably in her 40's. When I got to her...which was like 4 minutes later, at the most she just went off on me. "Just because I'm not skinny and pretty like her, doesn't mean you should treat me with such disrespect!" I was kind of taken aback, because her looks had zero to do with anything.. I told her that and she was not willing to listen and kept going on. So I got some attitude back when I told her that she was so far off. I wanted to tell her "I'm gay lady, I wasn't trying to get the other girls phone number!" I should have.
It just kinda made me think how we can totally misread somebody's motives all the while being certain that we are right. Especially when we think somebody doesn't like us, or in this case thinks we are fat and ugly and would rather help the skinny girl. I feel bad for this lady because she probably goes through most of her life attributing every slight or every grievance as relating to her physical appearance. And I'm not saying that looks don't effect her life. I'm sure there are plenty of times when people are rude or indifferent to her while they help the pretty girl first. I don't think I could ever have made a scene about it if it were me though. But if she hasn't sworn off Hollywood Video forever because of the rude girl crazy bastard behind the counter next time she comes in I will make sure to let her know I'm gay. Maybe I can help the cute young guy in line before her.

Grammy Awards who?

Are the Grammy s still a big deal? I haven't seen them in years, and while that in and of itself doesn't mean anything I like to think I have a decent "buzz: radar even in my old age, and I don't ever really hear to much about the Grammys unless I'm watching CBS the week of the event and they spam me with Grammy commercials. But I can't think of any reason why I would be watching CBS this year, and I guess I heard about them somewhere. I thought we could take a look at some of the grammy nominees...many for my first time. Yeah maybe I'm not so buzz-tacular after all. Lets see what the kids...er if you can call the Grammy voters kids, are listening to these days.

Record of the Year....
1.Mary J. Blige "Be 'Without You". Hey...I was thinking I didn't know this song and when i play it on youtube it turns out I know all the words to the chorus at least...or enough that I can fake the rest with my own mix of made up lyrics. It's catchy...and has a nice little groove. It's not gonna be on my 10 most played list..or even 20..but I would play it sometime. I'd give it a grade of...B.

2.James Blunt.."Your beautiful". Oh...this song. Yeah...it was this years "It was Everywhere!!!" song. I guess if i needed quick confidence boost. Or ..this would be the perfect song for all those myspace people who have the quizzes and surveys that consist of anything but narcissistic questions about how cute you think they are or how cool you think they are...or whatever else that they need some validation with. Yeah, I think this is who this song is really intended for. grade of...i guess C

3. Dixie Chicks "Not Ready to Make Nice". This would be my choice for winner out of the nominees. Not only is it the only song from this list that I have in my play list the fact that it's a response to all those small minded, big mouthed Bush Lovers is just really damn cool. I was never really a fan of The Dixie Chicks...I didn't not like them..just didn't know much about them...but now I'm seeking them out to listen to and read about. From what I can see I like the way they carried themselves during the whole stupid...do we call it a controversy? oh brother. My grade is an ....A.

4.Gnarles Barkley "Crazy". OK...I'm a lier. This was also that song you heard everywhere...and that includes my play list. So..you got me twice. This is a good, catchy song. I give it an A. but I'm still rooting for the dixie chicks if only for the message..and how much that would piss off some people that its fun to piss off.

5. Corinne Bailey "Put Your Records On"- If I learned one lesson here its that I should maybe put some time into preparation for these blogs and not always just jump in. This is a great song..and I do know it , of course. I might like it the best. It's happy, feel good, sunny...all good. I give it an A. I'm still rooting for the Chicks to win for their big fuck you to their former "fans".\

Video of the Year(short form, whatever that means)

1.8th of November Big & Rich http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWq7IXTtsoM
ok..song was ok...and it is a good story about a corageous guy. But video of the year? It was pretty manipulative. It would be the equivalant of give the Oscar to Pearl Harbor. I don't know...C+

2.The Killers.."When you were young". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsw6rEMwo4U
I like the Killers. The song is great and the video is pretty good too.I would have to see it a few more times before I tried to anylyze it. I say it deserves a B.

3.OK GO "Here it goes again" This video is just too cool. Its fun to watch, innovative and really stands out from these others that look pretty pretensious and
overdone compared. I give it an A+


4.Red Hot Chilly Peppers " Dani California"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJA15-u2cqA
Good song. fun video.Wheezer did the same concept 1o years ago but much better. B

5/UnderOath. "Writing on the walls". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_xbkt1EyHYI
like the video, but this song made me feel like I really am getting old...cuz it sounded like a lot of noise to me. video B.

I could think of a few choices that are better than a lot on here. Death Cab's "I will follow you" for one. Hell...i get more excited when the snakes on a plane video comes on more than 2/3 of the nominated songs and video's.

The stars must hate you...your horoscope and Zodiac Killer update for Tuesdays All Star Extravaganza!!(if you haven't read any of the zodiac killer horoscopes yet you might want to check out Feb 1st, and Feb. 4th. or don't. the basic story is that like 12 little Indian's someone is killing off members of the constellations one by one...or in the last episode 3.)


ARIES
Be extra cautious this morning when going down in your basement Aries, that sex slave/FBI agent you have chained up down there just might have a trick or two up his sleeve..well his metaphorical sleeve, being as you didn't leave him much to wear. If you read this horoscope first thing in the morning before doing absolutely anything else you will be OK. Just take your stun gun with you and shock the ungrateful bastard(he's hiding behind the door). But if you insist on doing things your own way and sneaking off to the basement first thing you will be the new powerless sex slave, and that not what you want is it? Is it? hmmmm...on second thought things work out for you either way.


I thought we covered this the last two horoscopes Taurus. Your dead, remember. It's your big flaming(and i don't mean gay)self that started this whole monster of a story in the first place. So quit checking your future already. Your so so two weeks ago!Let go of your earthly remains already, the rest of us have. sheesh!


The sparks fly when you team up with Virgo for a little Nancy Drewing...aka some sleuthing...aka sweaty hardcore kicking of the boots. Yep the boot part is literal on account that you end up locked in a closet full of stripper costumes together(long story, but it started out innocent enough)and you get a little nasty in a stripper version of a cowboy outfit...i.e. nothing is covering Virgo's bare ass in those chaps. It turns out that in the closet is a major clue to the identity of the Zodiac Killer. Its an envelope with the name of Capricorns lover...which we know is also the killer. Thats when the sparks literally fly. A fire breaks out which in all probability will be Gemini and Virgo's death!!!

CANCER
It will be one surprise after another at work this week Cancer. First you will receive a lot of extra attention from a coworker, which your boss seems to be OK with. You will also get a generous sum of money that you must split with the two of them. Actually those aren't surprises being that you're a stripper and you always have to tip out your fellow dancer who you team up with for a sexy little act you do together involving a trapeze, a painted pink panther and some lamb chops. The surprise comes when you go backstage and discover the costume room is on fire!!You are a big hero when you rescue Gemini and Virgo who are trapped in their. Unfortunately the killer has given the pink panther aggression drugs and let him loose!!And let me tell you ...the panther isn't happy about being painted pink..or anything else he was made to do. Your last surprise is being eaten alive by a pretty pink panther.


Your really not so charmed after all Leo. Not in your most recent incarnation on Earth where you were cursed with a hair lip, humorous lisp and awful onion breath. Oh and that horrible end. OH, it hasn't happened yet? Well, let me tell you the Zodiac Killer(or ZK and I like to call him or her)is gonna get you, and get you good. You will be injected with this drug that gets your adrenaline up, and once its good and high if it slows down your heart will explode. Its like that bus in speed. Or like that guy in Crank who gets shot up with this drug and ..well its exactly like that movie. Thats where the ZK got the idea. Yes my friends, movies really do influence bad people.Bad news is your lazy ass can't keep your heart rate up for long. The good and i guess charmed news is that you look really cute as an angel. Check out the snapshot above. So I guess things worked out fine after all. OK, sort of cute and you have a bunch of pigeons crapping all over you, but thats life. And death.


You feel light headed after the fire in the stripper costume closet/narrowly escaping death by a pink panther attack thing but you have just enough piece of mind to read the letter pointing the finger to the killer. You manage a great theatrical GASP! before you pass out. When you come to, your tied up good in the killers basement!!


You may be dead Libra, but that doesn't stop your body from providing much needed comic relief in a Weekend At Bernie's style story. Your body cruises around town, water ski's and throws a hell of a party. Apparently its quite popular with the ladies too...ewwww.


Don't let little things pile up Scorpio or you will be stuck dealing with more than you can handle this afternoon. A secret admirer lets you know just how cute you are at a hot new dance club in the evening. And when you excuse yourself to go use the rest room you will walk in and find yourself staring right in the eyes of the Zodiac Killer! na na na na na na na na(sung like the Twilight Zone music).

You will surprise your co-workers today with the truth about how you really feel about them. You will be surprised in return when this passionate act of honesty gets you fired and escorted out of the building.

CAPRICORN
You are ironically reincarnated as a big ol' mountain goat. constantly jumping from peak to peak.Forever.Man how boring. I guess their is retribution for the sins of this life. Do you hear that Scorpio? You get punished for your sins. Did you get that Gemini?


Your dead Capricorn. yes you are. yes you are your so dead. you smell like something dead. yes you do.


While out shopping you find the cutest little black dress that if you match with the right accessories you could wear to each of the funerals you'll get invited to this week.

TV and Movie NIght Monday

a divided house

myspace layouts, myspace codes, glitter graphics


Tragedy Strikes TV and Movie Night Monday!

Well folks, my home is a house divided tonight and I blame it on Kieffer Sutherland. And the Fox network. And the executives at NBC. Cain. Hell I blame everybody...except myself. I wouldn't do that.
The trouble started three weeks ago when the new season of 24 started by having double episodes on Sunday night and then again on Monday. I'm not talking repeat episodes. This wasn't the same episode back to back to back to back. This was 4 all new episodes with some crazy ass shit like Jack Bauer biting a guys throat out!! You read me right. Jack was tied up and pretending to be dead...and you know how stupid these terrorists can be. Instead of just killing him they have to strut their stuff and reveal their plans to blow up stuff before they kill him. And then they have very important calls to take and papers ot file , you know..important terrorist stuff. If I was a terrorist on 24, killing the shows lead would be my top priority, but thats just me. Anyway, Jacks all playing ospossum and one of the terrorist flunkies bends over him to do something. I think he was checking his breathing. Or trying to kiss him. You know how necrophiliac those terrorist can be. Keep your corpses locked up, if you know what I'm saying.So this terrorist is about to kiss jack..or something...and Kieffer (or Jack..I like mixing and matching with the names, dig)looks up and bites the guys throat out!! Gross! But riveting television none the less. And so I get hooked to the new season during these 4 episodes.
Rewind about a couple months and I finally start watching NBC's Hero's. Id been hearing all the buzz and Cain, my bf, has kinda been watching and so I start to watch and try to get caught up. Right as I start to like this awesome show NBC does one of these funky new winter breaks all the cool networks are doing these days. (Not cool actually. I haven't seen Lost in so long I don't know if i care anymore....I do I do. But it still pisses me off. I'll write about that topic later.)
So Fox takes advantage of Hero's not being on and debuts 24 a week before Hero's comes back. Long story short, 24 and Hero's are on at the same time now and we don't have TIVO. Well we do have a TIVO, but Cain wants to wait until we move into our new place in like March before we get a subscription for it. I'm thinking after tonight we need to do that pronto! Anyway..last week we watched Hero's before realizing the dirty rotten trick FOX had pulled. So we watched 24 on the computer which was fine with me ,but Cain needed to see it on a big screen or something. This week he decides we are watching 24 on the big tv...and I decided Hero's is much better and it draws you in emotionally. You care what happens to these crazy sons of bitches more than you care about the latest terrorist Jack is going to being having for lunch this week (but he better not eat the throats out of too many or he might need a bathroom break sometime that day.)
I had to watch the first part of my show on the TV upstairs that doesn't get NBC good which kinda sucked. But then Cain gave me my way (its just easier that way on everybody involved) and I watched on the good TV and it was an awesome episode. But I don't have room to talk about the actual show cuz I ranted about the TV schedule, which I wouldn't have to do if the world were perfect. Are you hearing that FOX? You can ask anybody, it just works out a lot easier on everybody involved if I get my way in the beginning. So I'm issuing you two weeks to fix this problem or you just may be getting an angry letter. Oh thats not a threat buddy. thats a promise. And if you send Jack Bauer to try and stop me, just know that I'm not one to rant and rave about my evil plans when I should just shoot him. No I don't do that. What I plan to do is.....