Monday, January 29, 2007

Here is your up to the minute star planning for the start of the week....

ARIES
oh, I see much for you Aries. Yeah. Tomorrow morning you will have cream of wheat and toast for a solitary breakfast.Then you'll go to work. Then come back home later in the day. you will have a Lean Cuisine for dinner, but watch out for the Salisbury steak...I wouldn't go with that one. Did I mention that dinner would be alone. Maybe with your cat hanging around...no wait scratch that .Threre's not gonna be any cat ever again. Sorry to tell you like this..I probably should do a practice run through of these things before i just make your future public.But I really don't have time for that ..so anyway.....the next day is kinda the same except you start it without the cat, plus you jazz it up with malt-o-meal instead of cream of wheat.....

TAURUS
OK...this ones kind of for a more select group of you Taurans, but its good advice just the same. You never know. If your one of those bulls who are ..lets say urine aficionado's be selective about whose pee you drink this week because random drug test are coming up at work soon. And there are few things more embarrassing than having to explain to your boss that you tested dirty for crack 'cuz you have this fetish for drinking pee and the guy you let piss in your mouth was a junkie monkey.

GEMINI
I don't care what anyone says, I find you very pleasant and oh so easy to get along with. Some people are just intimidated by your presence and of course their jealous.

CANCER
When you get a little irritated after being asked for spare change this week, stop and think about what could have happened differently in your life that would have put you on the street asking strangers for money. Really think. And when you come up with the reason you aren't out there spare-changing, change it! Those people earn more that your measly working for the man money.

.

LEO
Ok, Leo, you like to be center of attention...be careful what you wish for. As your walking down the aisle this week your late spouse arrives just as you say your I do's. Apparently your back from the dead ex has been kept prisoner underneath Paris....or was it something about amnesia. This is the General Hospital preview, right? oh...um sorry Leo. But I'm pretty clear somebody come back from the dead this week

VIRGO

You have a request for me. Your going to ask me to....NO! I will not make be in a porn with you especially since you met the "producers" at the bathhouse when they were high and probably trying to talk you into letting them fuck you. Besides, those kinds of pornos always have the worst lighting and I'll be d amened if you end up better lit than me just because you put out for the guys making it

LIBRA

After months and months of your swift descent into psychological, you will wake up in a strange bed with a dead cop right next to you. Well when you step out you really mean it.Your on your own with the whole body disposal thing

SCORPIO

You will be ambushed by the Jenny Jones show on Tuesday with a whole bus load of former classmates that you teased, tormented, and basically scared for life during high school.Once they are done with all their accusations and gallons of tears you will have a choice. Offer to take the least damaged out for drinks...or FINISH THEM. The weird thing is that Jenny Jones got canceled like years ago.

SAGITARISUS

Don't ask any questions, just do as the stars say.Take all the money you have in savings and checking, don/t forget the kids college fund, and put it all on Red 28 at your local indian casino. They didn/t exactly say if you would win or not, but it will be fun to watch. Especially since it's a known fact that a Sagitaruian will only read a few sentences at best, and most
\

CAPRICORN
In an attpmpt to boost sagging ratings ,the producers of your life unveil a new story early this week which finds you possessed by the Devil. Cheers!


AQUARIUS


At first it seemed like a good idea to let a small camp of homeless people live in your backyard. It made your heart feel good to throw them the stuff on your plate you didn't want and the leftovers in the fridge that was starting to turn. But now its like they're begging. And talk about the uppity attitude.I Never!

pices

Your hormones are all over the place Pisces, and when you have too much crazy floating in your bloodstream isn't not a good idea to go get your hair cut and styled in a misguided attempt to bring the Farrah -do back.


One ,Two, The Zodiac Killers coming for you.

Three, Four, gonna get the whores.

Five, Six grab your crucifix.

Seven, Eight, He wants you to Rate (his my space pics that is)

Nine, Ten, He's coming again.

Oh NO! In another effort to boost ratings the writers of your life are using that good old standby....a serial killer. No body's Safe and anybody could be a suspect, that/s how these things work people. Haven't you ever watched a soap opera? And if your just a boring supporting character who hasn/t done anything interesting in a while....na na na na ..na na na na hey hey hey goodbye. The fun starts...I don't know, later this week. Whenever I get around to it.

"I love you more" from Sarah Silverman

I love you More

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Whoo Hoo! Cain just got me tickets to see the girl I'm gonna go stright for, my favorite obsession, the superbly offensive Ms. Sarah Silverman. The show is feb. 11th in Seatlle. I'm very happy. If you havent watched any of the many video's I have playing around here I will share a few quotes with you.

"A couple nights ago, I was licking jelly off my boyfriend's penis . . . and I thought, Oh, my God--I'm turning into my mother!"


"The writers of Sanford and Son were so brave in bringing their program to television. I mean, working with all those black people!"

"I don't have a problem with gay men. I just don't want to date them"

"So I live in this apartment that's disgusting--it's really dirty. And the kitchen floor is, like, sticky. And I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some, uh, slippers."

"I buy water at the liquor store across the street from where I live. So I'm walking into the door, and standing, loitering, outside the door is a man. And I walk by him to go in and he says [in a clenched, abrupt voice], 'I want pussy!' Now, I don't want to seem conceited or anything, but [rolling her eyes, both embarrassed and proud] he was talking about me. It offended me, obviously, but more than offending me, it made me feel sorry for him. It made me sad. Because it was so obvious to me that this was a person who grew up and who was a child whose mother and father never gave him any pussy."

"I'm going out with a guy who's half-black, who's totally going to break my heart......Oh my God. I can't believe I said that. I'm so negative. He's half-white."

Relations between black and white would be greatly improved if we were more accepting of our fears and our feelings and more vocal about it.

When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS

The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.

[talking about her niece] She called me up and she's like, "Aunt Sarah, did you know that Hitler killed sixty million Jews." And I corrected her and I said, "You know, I think he's responsible for killing six million Jews." And she said, "Oh yeah! Six million! I knew that but seriously, I mean, what's the difference?" "Uh, the difference is sixty million is unforgivable, young lady!"

Who cares? Different religions. I guess the only time it's an issue I suppose would be if you're having a baby, you have to figure out how you want to raise your baby or whatever, which still would not be an issue for us. Because you know, we'd just be honest, and say "Mommy is one of the chosen people, and Daddy believes that Jesus is magic."

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks

"It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as powerful or harmless as the emotion behind it."

"You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time."

Here is an awesome clip from "Jesus is Magic"




sarah silverman

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Yet another advice column


now that I've fulfilled my dream of getting my own kind of horoscope out there to the people, I figured its time to work on another one I've had. A sex and relationship advice column more along the lines of Dan Savage than Ann Landers.And While I am not a licensed therapist I am more qualified than....say...You over there. I ended up getting a bachelors of science in Sociology, but psych was my major tor half of that time and I took as many human sexuality classes as i could....about 3.. Plus I'll just say that I am no virgin to....well to much of anything anymore.I was very new to the whole relationship thing until recently but I lucked out with a guy who is thoughtful, hot, full of integrity, and rarely raises his voice..unlike myself. Plus he's a big ol' whore , which allows me to be too if that's the mood I"m in. Point is...well point is its not gonna hurt you to send a letter and maybe it will be fun.. And informative. And after all, knowing is half the battle.

For now, I'm stealing some letters written to Dan Savage for Savage Love...but I'm not gonna read his responses until mine are done.Lets go.

I hope you post this note as a warning. I recommend that everybody stay away from Craigslist. When I started looking at the personals on Craigslist, I was fascinated (there are some freaks out there), but I was also looking for pictures with bare female flesh. After I exhausted the pages for cities in the U.S., I started looking at ads posted in other countries. That's when I noticed that the same hot babe in Finland posted the same picture in six different U.S. states and four different countries.

She wasn't the only one posting the same ad in many different places. When I realized that all these offers for NSA sex were scams, I lost interest in even looking at the pictures. Your readers should know that hot anonymous sex is unlikely to occur—at least through Craigslist—and focus their efforts elsewhere.

Don't Be Fooled

My response- Don't be fooled, you can start off by not being a whiner. Maybe it was just me but your tone was kinda like the kid that tattles on other kids, in this case Craigslist, hoping he will come across as a much better person by the adult he's narcing to.. That kid doesn't have many friends for a reason. Anyway...The main point I wanted to make was ...Speak for yourself. I don't know first hand what the odds are for a straight man trying to get a NSA hookup on Craigslist. I have read some pretty whoreish ads that are supposedly left by women. (And I mean whorish in the best possible way. It always makes me a little warm inside when a woman is in touch with want she wants and secure enough to put up an ad for a gang bang. Actually come to think of it that was probably written by a man) I have had plenty of hot times hooking up off of CraigsList as a gay man. (One of my most memorable being an unbelievably attractive ex-Mormon boy who still had all the manners and charm he was raised with, but who could unleash a unbridled sex monster inside. The result was something like "Please rape me) Granted, with Phone and/or internet access any decent looking gay guy with the right attitude can have a hookup ready to go in 15minutes, less if he doesn't have a shopping list of qualities he Must have in a potential sex partner. I'm pretty sure it's not quite so easy for the straight guy, but it does happen and not every woman on there is a scam or a bot as they are called. Once you know what to look for its pretty easy to tell a real person from a lure to get you to a pay site.
I think the bigger question here has to do with the fact that you got so obsessed going through craigslist that you ran out of ads in your state, moved on to others and ended up having the entire lineup in Finland memorized. But hey...I can be irritating as fuck myself sometimes
.
Currently listening :
Back to Basics
By Christina Aguilera
Release date: By 15 August, 2006

Lets talk about sex. Sex Quotes


Men get laid, but women get screwed. ~Quentin Crisp

When a guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave. ~Author Unknown

A dirty book is rarely dusty. ~Author Unknown

Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact. ~Marlene Dietrich

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love. ~Butch Hancock

Sex is God's joke on human beings. ~Bette Davis

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. ~Woody Allen

If you use the electric vibrator near water, you will come and go at the same time. ~Louise Sammons

I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be
dirty. ~John Waters

Do you Measure up?

HOW Do You Compare

Are you obsessed with penis size? Always comparing yourself to the guys in the locker room, or the animals on the Discovery Channel? If you want to go from a Mosquito to a whale in just 6 weeks order my amazing new cream...Whale Cock© and watch the ladies come running. or uh...swimming...I never said the human ladies would dig it.


1. Humpback whale 10 ft
2. Elephant 5-6 ft
3. Bull 3 ft
4. Stallion 2 ft 6 in.
5. Rhinoceros 2 ft
6. Pig 18-20 in.
7. Man 6 in.
8. Gorilla 2 in.
9. Cat ¾ in.
10. Mosquito 1/100 in.

SOURCE: Leigh Rutledge, The Gay Book of Lists (Boston: Alyson Publication, 1987)

Wierd Sex


why limit yourself to people when there are so many other things you can be attraWhy limit yourself to people when there are so many other things you can be into....…

Spectophilia: sexual attraction to ghosts. Spooky!

Teratophilia: attraction to deformed or monstrous people. There really is someone out there for everybody..

Zoophillia: emotional/sexual attraction to animals. Kinda makes you think twice the term animal lover...

Plushophillia: sexual attraction to stuffed animals or people in animal costumes. Super cute!..

Movie Reccomendations

I just watched the best movie I have seen in years maybe. The movie SherryBaby comes out next Tuesday for rental and its an amazing movie. Maggie Gyllenhaal . is the title character coming home after 3 years in prison and she should have gotten a Best Actress nomination for this years Oscars. This was by far the most honest movie. Nothing was fake or contrive4d...it just felt uber real. This actress is a sister to Jake Gyllenhaal . I was never sure about her...Kinda left on the fcnce. But she nails it here . So much so that instead of falling into bed as soon as I got up here I had to blog about this first..When i update my best of 2006 list its for sure going to be this movie or Little Miss Sunshine at the top spot/.good night,...
My unrequited crush, Sarah Silverman


The Dying Song

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Saturday, January 27, 2007

The Stars have something to say, YO



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I wont give you the usual line about how passionate and innovative or what a good lover you are...head is freakishly big as it is. But you do need a partner who will tell you those things.But you hate a pushover. So you want someone who will worship you, yet they have a will of their own and wont cower at your feet. What you need is a good stalker.Start undressing with the blinds open Aries and I know you'll find that special someone.




Zodiac Images @ Bopmyspace.com

You're possessive , critical and stubborn , but you bulls do know how to enjoy the good things in life. You appreciate good food, good drinks (once your jug gallon of Peach Mad Dog days are behind you) and good sex. Treat yourself to some luxuries this year Taurus...just don't over do it or you'll be the fat, drunk whore we love to talk about. Not that there's anything wrong with being a whore.



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It's so hard to criticize you Gemini. It almost feels like I'm attacking myself. I do see a lot of time in front of the computer blog blog blogging now that this is your new obsession. Maybe if you try a little thing called moderation you might actually finish something instead of burning out hard. But your hair looks really cute like that.



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Cheech and Chong don't have nothin' on you Cancer. But when it is revealed that after smoking a marijuana cigarette you actually choose to sit through a "Walker, Texas Ranger" marathon, followed by a couple hours of the home shopping network while snacking on mayonnaise sandwiches dipped in red kool-aid will you finally admit you have a problem??


OnlyMySpace.com



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If I've learned anything from the movies I can apply to my real life it is this…write it down. It may change your life. Ok. Grease is the word. It's the word that you heard. It's got a mood. It's got a meaning. Grease is the time. It's the place. Grease is the motion my friend…Grease is the word.



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You have an upcoming vacation Leo. I think things should go fine, but I'm getting a funny feeling that you should avoid places like Iraq, North Korea or Florida. Out of those 3, I especially warn you to avoid Florida. Between election stealing, hurricanes, and George Bush's brother it's not safe there.



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Whoa, when your scales go off balance Libra, you really go for it. Try to memorize your name, the year, and the current president cuz your gonna need at least two out of 3 right to pass the crazy test the guys in white coats give you.



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Hey, you wanna go grab a bite to eat this Friday Scorpio. Then after we can drop by the late night sex addicts meeting and see who can tell the most fucked up sex story confessional and then pick up on some sex addicts in the bathroom. Extra points for incorporating these items in your confessional….a toothbrush, some Lil' Smokies and a bag full of kittens.

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Take a nap Sag, your spun.



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When you discover nobody likes you this week, and in fact everyone hates you, you will have no choice but to go out in the garden and eat worms.





Zodiac Images @ Bopmyspace.com
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your partner is totally cheating on you. Honest. You need to go tell that fucker to go to hell then go right out and have yourself a revenge fuck.



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Heh..Pisces did you read what I just wrote to Aquarius? OK..Watch this it's gonna get good. After a big ol' Jerry Springer like brawl there's gonna be some vulnerable Aquarius' out there looking to get laid. Score

Mae West-the master of the naughty quote

"Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you."

"When choosing between two evils I always like to try the one I've never tried before."

"Too much of a good thing can be wonderful."

"A hard man is good to find."

"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted."

"To err is human-- but it feels divine."

"Ten men at my door? I'm tired. Send one of them away."

Friday, January 26, 2007

Let me introduce you to my little friend

OK, so I am reading through this most awesome book in my Human Sexuality Library (doesn't that sound more respectable than my porn closet..heh). No actually it is my human sexuality library and there's a very cool book called Everything You Know About Sex Is Wrong that I am recommending. But there's an article about the names people name their hoo hoos and their ding dongs and why. So I was wondering about my readers, who I can only imagine are some real freaky diekies if you know what I mean..and you do 'cuz your probably one mother of a freak. (I mean that in the best way of course).. So I was wondering if any of you named your little you's . well, aren't you gonna introduce us?

Some names for the Manly Bits...Chuck, Goolie, Hank Jr., Little Willy, Peter J. Firestone, Maxwell's Silver Hammer (a beatles song), The Wilder Williams, Little Elvis, George, Mortimer, Zeke, Little Richard,Chunky"open wide for Chunky") Lazar (who rises from the dead), and Omar the Tentmaker among others.

Don't call it a Vulva, that sounds more like a sturdy sweedish automobile...this is what the kids are calling it these days..Little Joanie, ,
Eunice, Miranda, Sophia, Furry Rabbit, Hot and Juicy, Pink, Wonderland, Coozie, Honeypot, Mama's Box, Miss Muff, and my other favorite besides Muffin...Fancy.

Whats in a name? Real Porn Titles

Real honest to god porn titles. ...good stuff
Current mood: confused

>Beverly Hills 9021-HO!


Butch Lesbian and the

Lapdance Kid.


Dude, Wheres my Dildo?


Piledriving Miss Daisy.


Clitty Clitty Gang Bangz


40 Gays and 40 Dykes


A Clockwork Orgy.


Anus the Menace.


Dawsons Crack

Angela's Asses


Ben-Hur Over


..[Cum Lola Cum


Big Trouble in Little Vagina


Buffy the Vampire Layer


Gangbangs of NewYork


-Genital Hospital


-Great Muppet Raper,The


-Guess Who Came at Dinner


-Cum and Cummer


-I know Who You Did Last Summer


-Lord of the Cock Ring

Best and Worst of 2006

Shit damn fuck shit fuck....and another damn



well it was time for the Best and Worst of 2006 year end extravaganza where I convinced myself that my opinion was so damn good that y'all needed me to make some lists. But as I was finally finishing it I lost all that data. So for now I will write the top ten movies of the year but leave out those long ass explanations that make it all worth it for you. The constantly needy reader. But I am not writing it out again in full now.

And these are only the movies I saw., I'm sure if I saw Borat it would be number one..but i didn't.
Best Film of 2006
(that I actually saw, and can remember )



10. Pirates of the Caribbean 2-Dead Man's Chest.
9, The Devil Wears Prada
8.Monster House
7.V for Vendetta
6. Slither
5. Akellah and the Bee
4. Thank you for Smoking
3.Sarah Silverman's Jesus is Magic!
2. Hard Candy
1.Little Miss Sunshine
(updated )(tie) 1- Sherrybaby
I may go back and write something up explaining myself...but I just cant bring myself to do it now.

Worst Movies of 2007
in no particular order
1.Lady in the water.. I tried to watch this movie 4 freakin' times and cant stay awake for this retarded "fairy tale". Boring!

2. Benchwarmers- I couldn't make it past 5 minutes. Maybe it got good after that, but I wasn't sticking around to find out.

3. Poseidon.- There's no Shelly Winters swimming to save lives but losing her own, no Earnest Bourgnine and his new wife the former whore and no catch theme song "There's got to be a morning after" sung in orange pantsuit leisure suit things. The cheesy camp is gone and is replaced by an even worse cheese that takes itself too seriously even though it couldn't even make a decent disaster flick.
4. Date Movie- The worst movie I have probably ever seen. Nothing good about it...well I love Allison Hannigan, but the girl made a wrong choice. Its not like a it was so bad it was good movie. it was just bad.

Today in History...

on today's date in 1998- "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky" President Clinton denied. And it was just the beginning of a whole lot of bullshit over a blow job. This also marks the point where the leader of the free world didn't count a oral sex as real sex. tsk tsk.

Currently reading :
Everything You Know About Sex Is Wrong: The Disinformation Guide to the Extremes of Human Sexuality (and everything in between)
By Russ Kick
Release date: By 01 October, 2005

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Sex quotes. Party Time! Excellent




"If it feels good there's a chance it must be bad"-Alice from the porn version of Alice in Wondeland"(1976)


"Sex is like money. Only too much is ever enough." -John Updike

"Having a clitoris deep down at the bottom of your throat is better than having no clitoris at all" -Dr Young in "Deep Throat"

"The only unntural sex act is one which you cannotperform" -Dr. Alfred Kinsey


Pick a fetish

Do people shy away from you at parties? Do new acquaintances always forget your name? Maybe you need to make yourself more interesting. Liven up that wallflower personality. One sure way to do that is to develop a fetish. That's right, a peculiar sexual quirk that you often put all the focus on during lovemaking. It will be a hit choice for interesting cocktail party talk as long as its not overdone.It seems like everybody and their grandmother has a foot fetish or works part time as a dominatrix these days. Here are a few sexual oddity's that will separate you from the crowd.

Agalmatophillia- To qualify for this you only need to become sexually attracted to mannaquins and statues! Wasn't that an '80's movie?

Homilophilia- This is the term used for people who become sexually arouse while listening to or giving sermons and speeches.

titl
oculolinctus- This little gem would refer to the act of licking your lovers eyeball for sexual arousal. Yikes! Eye just don't get it.But I think my sister might have it!shhhh!

Abasiophilia:sexual attraction to people who use leg braces. Hip!

Apotemnophillia:You just need to develop an intense desire to be an amputee by removing a healthy appendage.This time next year I bet all the cool kids will be doing it.

Dendrophilia: This would be a sexual attraction to trees and other large plants. Right on
!

Toonophillia: This is you if you have a sexual arousal to cartoon characters and situations. Jinkies!

Who is your pick for cartoon character you would like to have some fun with? I'm gonna have to think about it...there are just so many, and they're just so easy. But if you can think of any let me know.
<
>


Do you want their bodies? Do you think they're sexy? Come on sugar let me know. You know your developing a bad case of toonophillia.